(Don't) Stop This Train

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I've decided I do want to reinstate my blogging expedition. It keeps me from taking life for granted, and almost puts me outside myself as a third-party observer who can remind myself when I need to stop and consider a happening or musing more greatly. I've been journaling a smidge (but not enough); however, I see the benefit of a public forum for some of this as well. And I feel as though I need to keep 'Big Brother' from feeling too left out.

Typically I would return with a triumphal reentry stating all of my recent conquests of life, and there are some, but I probably won't do too much of that now. I do feel like this will be a post that many (if many or any ever read this) will greatly relate to.

I have been listening to some John Mayer in my car recently, from time to time. There is a song that has always hit the nail on the head for me, even when I don't "feel it," I know it's just as true a desire. As the title would suggest, this song is Stop This Train.

I think the one word that strikes a chord of reverberation is that word "home." Home has such connotative weight that it can only be called divine in it's message. The universality of the impact found in such a simple uttering is amazing. When you say, "I just feel like I want to go home," and whoever around you knows you don't mean it literally... they know exactly what you mean.

You long for a comfort. One reminiscent of simple times, but not confined by any experience we've had. It's as if "home" is the recognition in our souls that there is a home of permanence that we have yet to savor, allowing only a taste to tease our tongue for the time being. Meanwhile, we set mental images and memories of times past as placeholders to reference the longing we feel. For me, at least previously, I would remember those twilight moments between sleep and wake, where your eyelids are sore under the burden of consciousness, your mind is in a limbo of calm, and you force yourself to be present at the line between two destinations. For me, this was usually found past my bedtime, laying on my mom's bed with the TV on, although no attention was being paid to it, prodding myself to stay awake with my eyes closed. I don't know why moments as these stick out in my mind, but they were total relaxation, free from care; just... being.

I don't feel this anymore. Life is too busy and full of worries to really relax by myself on such terms. No, I presently require distraction to find any peace, and scent of 'home.' A night of old friends whom I'm completely myself and comfortable around or the cradling of one cherished within my arms are the few places of refuge from concern. It saddens me how rarely I can be fully, blissfully distracted toward the real peace of Home by God's presence. I can be motivated by, instructed toward, and passionate for Home; but I rarely taste its peace, which I believe is the elixir my mouth is dry for.

Surely the house I am building to dwell in is one of dry rot. My sin and worry, rooted in my "maturing" and responsibilities has compromised the structural integrity of the Home I wish to discover. I no longer can picture it, I can merely remember picturing it in the past, when I was young and pure. Isn't it amazing the capacity of purity in youth. It is a pitcher that shrinks back with adulthood. Perhaps this is the very reason I wish to "stop this train." When you lose your direction, when you have no vision of where you are going, it's a much scarier ride.

I have gained head knowledge, and perhaps even faith, but it is in purity that we are able to see the beacon which steers us home. No matter how great my map is, there is always a sense of uncertainty and fear in reaching your destination when the fog of life pollutes your sight. Surely you may, and probably will, reach said destination if you are steady, brave, and persevering; but oh what a strain it is to seek without eyes of purity, and what risk of abandoning your quest without assurance.

It's always going to feel like life is going a bit too fast for us. We're rarely going to feel confident with our ability to cope, adapt, and continue. So often we're going to feel like we're running on our heals instead of our toes; this awkward progression forth while leaning back the entire time leaves us feeling as though we could fall on our face at any moment... and knowing ourselves... probably will. We will always seek the peace and comfort of "home," and we will always be perplexed by what that even means. "Life" will distract us from our underlying insecurity "'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark." We are minuscule, finite human beings, who are made to believe that they ought to have everything figured out. It's a tall order, and an intimidating odyssey. Understanding where the dwelling of Peace lies, and being able to see Him with your own eyes of purity (even if just glimmers at a time) will keep you confident in the course your map has plotted. It is then that you can state confidently and in expectancy, "Don't stop this train, it's leading me HOME!"

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God."

- Matthew 5:8

Da Da Da (have I used this before?)

I'm excited for tomorrow. By some point tomorrow I should officially be done with all my big summer projects! I am under the impression that I will then get my life back. I could be wrong, but I'm hoping I'm not. My work ethic is slowing with the vision of rest in sight, thus pushing back more and more my actual time of vacation.

Even with these projects ending, it doesn't mean I will have nothing going on. My work on the Montour Football Highlight Video has just started and I have some home video conversions lined up, as well as some other work. But what I really want to do now is cook, read, hang with friends, and relax on my porch. Unfortunately I am ending my work as many others are beginning their work/school. But I'll still find some fun to have!

So I was driving down Rt. 60 today and there was a guy walking. As I approached him, there it came... the thumb. It was second nature once I saw it. Come to a stop, hit the hazard lights, and wait for his approach. I wasn't nervous... well I guess there is that initial thought, but it literally lasted all but 5 seconds. The man was dressed a little sloppy, but seemed like a good enough guy. I figured he might be homeless or poor, but he wasn't. He was just drunk. 3PM and he was drunk, walking home from the bar.

I found out his name was Tony, he's been married and divorced twice, he has a daughter, he's retired, and he's about to have his license taken away for DUI. He dropped the F-bomb a few times, blaming it on him being either drunk or stupid each time. I honestly wouldn't have known he was drunk if he hadn't said anything. I think this is more of a slap in the face to the appearance and speech of the typical Pittsburgher than it is a praising of Tony's composure under drunkenness or a revealing of my lack of discernment of drunken behavior.

Regardless, I drove Tony home, and he seemed appreciative and somewhat apologetic. I kind of wished I had mentioned Jesus to him, although I'm pretty sure he would not have seen it as a feasible option for himself. It's such a sad state where a man of his age is in a poor place.

Speaking of which, my homeless friend Raymond was on the news. He called me today to let me know, so I looked it up. Raymond is talking about the stuff they're going to get him from him being on the news, like getting his old job back, getting money to go to school, and maybe some other stuff. I'm not quite so certain he's going to get all these handouts because he was on TV for 10 seconds, but we'll see. Regardless he seems pretty set on getting his life in order. He wants to get his own place, get a job, and go to school to be an x-ray tech. I hope he really takes the steps to attain those things; although once he does, I think he'll still be somewhat lost. There's only so much I can do.

I think I'm going to start taking ballroom dance lessons at CMU. I would like some people (or at least a lady) to start going with me. Let me know if anyone is interested. You really don't need a partner to go, it's just my personal preference. Anyway, it's only $3 and is usually Wednesday nights.

I wish I had some funny story to add to this blog, but I can't think of any at the moment. Hopefully I'll be on here more with my free time approaching!

Be good, stay in school.

Freak Out

I'm supposed to be preparing to leave for the Big Wow tomorrow... but I'm not. I'm stupid. Instead I'm being entertained by these incredible Greatest Freak Out Ever videos on Youtube. I'll ruin it for you and let you know they're fake... part of me is happy for the world that they are fake. But it's so insane... especially the first one. If you're into remixes, check out this remix!

In additional new, I witnessed a car accident today. I was cruising down a suburban road, just getting past the road construction, when the truck in front of my smashes into a parked car. It's not like he was swerving at all, he just drifted right into the side of the car as if it were invisible. The car was smashed pretty good, and the trucks front right tire completely came off; surprising I thought. The dude pulls right into a driveway after the accident, with his three wheels. The guy was kind of old, but not really old. Somewhat strange seeming. I don't know if he was drunk, losing his mind, or just distracted... maybe all of the above.

Anyway, I helped them roll the heavy detached tire and axle off the road and then helped clean the hard plastic fragments off the road. Once I told the police what happened I left. I wish that story was more exciting. Oh yeah, the guy was my dad. Ok, not really.

I was going to throw in a "shooting" joke to add excitement, but that seems horribly inappropriate due to the shooting tragedy from last night. Amazingly it was world news. And sadly one of my friends knows one of those who died in the shooting. It's such a sad situation.

Well this is mostly a boring post on my end, but we'll leave it at that, for I must go.

Movie Star

I've been working a ton lately, trying to get all my projects finished and duplicated for various clients. It was so bad that I typically would go to bed at 12 or 1AM and have to wake up at 4 to continue working for the next 18+ hours. I was really starting to lose it.

But last week I finished some of the more pressing videos, and after nearly 6 days of barely stepping foot outside of my room, I needed some interaction. I called up Kristin and told her I required somewhere social to unwind; out 'n about. I went and picked her up, and she got all made up, like we were going somewhere nice... meanwhile I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt, looking like poo from lack of sleep and negligence of hygiene. But we ventured off.

We stopped at Kristin's old Oakland pad, Ophelia St, to recruit other party people. We chatted it up with her old roommate Alyssa for a bit and then headed off to Hemmingway's with no additional members. I got some food, and then Kristin and I had a few drinks, not something I do very often. It was really a lot of fun, me and sis chillin' in da bar. I got a call while I was there from my friend Jess. She was being an extra for the movie Warrior, starring Nick Nolte. Extras had to be there at 3:30PM, and at this point it was almost 11PM. Yet, she told me they were most likely still looking for people. So I took Kristin home, stopped at my place to pick up three changes of clothes and some snackage to bring for the ride. The shoot was at the Twin Highway Drive-In, a nostalgic remembrance from my childhood.

When I arrived there was a crane there holding this large UFO looking light contraption, since it was dark they needed a ton of light. Pretty neat. I found my way to talk to the lady in charge of extras. She made me wait for wardrobe. So I waited, and waited, and waited... for over an hour. Then finally she tells me to go out to get my car for another scene, and this one guy would come find me. I sat in my car for what I think was an hour and a half or two, but it was hard to keep track because I was dozing. It's about 2:30AM by the time the parking lot scene (which I wasn't a part of) is over and I follow all those extras back into the main shooting area. Finally I become part of the shoot, and I find my friend Jess.

It really wasn't all that glamorous. I would walk through shots. I would watch the fight they showed on the screen and react with cheers or boo's, and of course the ever popular chant "MIS-TER-C, MIS-TER-C!" It's hard to be energetic at 5AM. But Jess and I met two girls there, who were pretty cool. We'd joke about things, and what was offered at the fake snack bar. I also saw the dad from Transformers eating at the food table; so star struck! (not really) Shooting ended at about 6AM, when the sun was coming up.

Now this is a paid gig. I think it pays a little over $7/hr, and overtime is around $10/hr. I was there for 6 hours, but the lady was nice and marked me as getting there at 2:30PM instead of 11:40PM. So I got 15 1/2 hours of paid extra work! NICE. Even though I had been working since 4:30 the previous morning, it was still a cool experience.

In other news, I am now the proud owner of a djembe. I decided I wanted to start playing it, since I know some others who do, and they look pretty awesome drumming. Found one on Craigslist for $140, about $80 off retail. It's in new condition, I think the tag was still on it. Plays awesome! And I just bought a harness for it, so I can walk around playing. It's really a lot of fun, I'll find myself jamming out to some tunes (especially Rusted Root) for hours easy. So just when you thought you had Steve firmly positioned on your felt board of awesomeness, you realize he must be cranked up several more levels, which then makes you realize, "I need a taller felt board."

On a more inward look of life, I need to make some changes. I need to prioritize what NEEDS to be a regular activities in my life, non-negotiable. I've lost Sabbath for months now. I need to break and relax in God. I need to be in his Word more frequently than life has 'allowed' me. I haven't been reading or studying. I enjoy life so much more when I can relax and strive for what I feel is the most important, God, knowledge, and relationships. Just another reason I shouldn't be blogging right now.

Pubelic Humiliation

I received a call from my darling little cousin Tierney a few weeks ago. She left a message saying, "Oh my God Steve! I can't believe... hold on your mom is calling me... click" What kind of message is that. What a little sharkface! So I called her back from her abandoned message and here's what the message was regarding... I'll include the backstory.

Alright, so a few weeks ago I informed the world at large of my move to shave "the gotee" out of my life. And I did. An item that incites as much emotional reaction as a grotesque gotee must not be eradicated from a peoples without some great action to accompany it. Thus I decided to inform my gotee's two most distinct rivals of their ultimate victory over the feared beard. So I did what any rational human being would do... I saved the hair I shaved off, separated it into two equal groups, and inserted into two envelopes. On one, I wrote "Mom," on the other I wrote "Tammy." I must inform those who do not know, I am my mother's only child, so she had an easy enough time knowing that the contents of the envelope (not containing a "From") were indeed from her beloved child, how proud she was. My aunt (Tammy), however, was not given the clue of "Aunt" preceding her name to allow her to know that the envelope was from me.

Upon opening the envelope and finding it full of short curly hairs, she freaked out. She had no clue who it was from... negligence on my part. My mom found her envelope first and told me I should put a "from" on it for my aunt, but my car was in the shop and I wasn't able to make it over there to correct my mistake. Annnnnyway, my aunt, in her panic, calls the cops. They show up and she wants them to get fingerprints. They exclaim "We can't get fingerprints off of hair." "THE ENVELOPE, GET THEM OFF THE ENVELOPE!" my aunt calmly responds.

She's wondering who would do such a thing. They have a maid also named Tammy who was there the previous day, and they wonder if it was hers. Who would commit such a hate crime? What sick-minded pervert could possibly have the audacity to disgust a decent American family with such a lewd act?

Her daughters are telling her that it must be a joke. But my aunt is still freaked until she finds out (dun, dun, dunnnnnn) it was me. Once she discovers the culprit, she thinks it's hysterical. She calls my other aunt, Trina, and they laugh until they almost pee. I had heavily considered splitting the hair into three parts, and including Trina, since she despised it too. I'm just glad Tammy wasn't mad. And days later when I visited, the envelope was sitting next to their kitchen sink, as if it was waiting to be used or further discussed when company was over. Weird... but so am I.

Perplexed

I am so totally confused how I am two different men.

I am he who does right, and he who does very wrong.

I am the one everyone considers very selfless and charitable, yet I seek my own good above all else.

I am the most caring, compassionate back-stabber you will ever meet.

In the same day I bring upon one undeserved turmoil and frustration and on others I bring intimacy, openness, relationship, and peace.

Do I walk in the one Will, or am I split between two paths simultaneously?

All I know is that I seem to matter most.

It's Been A While... And It'll Be A While

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I tried on a few occasions, but then would get distracted and such.

Life has been busy. I was working non-stop for a few weeks in June. Lots of editing both for my jobs and for Warhola, plus Campus Life. I also had some dance recitals to shoot... three performances in one day. I have built my new computer and it's working pretty well, just need to work out a few kinks.

My friend Raymond got kicked out of his subsidized housing. His married girlfriend complained about him locking her in his room or something. He said she shouldn't have said that and he was not guilty of doing such a thing, but just argued with her a bit. I talked to this woman on the phone and she agreed she thought she HAD to write him up, but wouldn't have if she knew it wasn't a requirement. Raymond will point fingers and blame people, but he is ultimately to blame.

I drove to his place and loaded up my car with whatever stuff of his would fit. I was upset that he hadn't packed before I got there, since he knew for a few days he was being evicted. A majority of Raymond's belongings are in my basement currently. I drove him around all day making calls and visiting locations to find him a new place. Raymond was falling asleep in the passenger seat; making me feel like he didn't really care that much. I've been more frustrated with Raymond since that time, and I also don't trust him as much. I asked the lady who works at his previous residence about what kind of guy he was. She said she legally couldn't tell me, but asked me why I was asking. I told her that I'm concerned because he's being kicked out and it makes me wonder if he's putting on a front to me. She said "It sounds like you've already made up your mind," as if to say that I was right in thinking that.

Raymond stayed a night at my place, after going to Brooks' house with me to watch the Stanley Cup Championship. He really loved the party there. The next day he checked himself into the hospital as having mental issues, just so he could have a roof over his head. He's still in the hospital, which makes me mad, since he doesn't have mental issues. He is expecting to be moved to the VA hospital soon, where they will find him long-term housing and a job. He says "Steve aren't you proud of me," because he's going to be getting a new place to live and a job. I'm not proud of him. He's using and abusing the system, when he is very capable himself. Maybe I'll be proud if he accomplishes some things on his own, stops dating married women, and stops feeling like he deserves the world from the government.

My other friend, Ray, who has actual mental/emotional problems is wearing me very thin. He has been calling me to complain about me more and more frequently. One complaint was that he doesn't want me being so nice to him all the time. He says I'm "buttering him up" and it's giving him a big head. And he wasn't admitting that as much as he was yelling at me about it (note: this was the first time he had ever mentioned it). He gets angry with me for spending time with other friends as much or more than I do with him. I spend 1-3 hours a week with Ray usually. Part of me loves Ray, and part of me is just making a decisions to show Ray love, regardless of my emotions. He has a rough life, where he knows he has issues, but can't control himself. He's so heavily medicated and in such an disgustingly unhealthy living situation. He can be great and fun, but I constantly am on guard as to not frustrate him or get yelled at. It's a sad situation; I can only hope to bring some good to it.

This past week I was in Wildwood, NJ for our summer conference, Heatwave. It was a great time with some really nice weather. Sunny, but not all that hot. I was busy as usual making videos, which I'll post on this blog. It's so much work for a little 6 minute video. I definitely felt like I missed out. I wanted to spend time with my students and other students from Metro-Pitt, but was constantly filming or editing. I love meeting kids and leaders from all the different groups. I love getting students excited, and I think "doing stuff for the video" adds a bit of excitement to their week. I get lots of appreciation for the videos I make; everyone seems to really enjoy and value them. I don't know if it's selfish, but part of me just wants to stop it all though (even though I know I would miss it).

I was so glad that two of my students attended and both had an awesome, awesome time! I'm really hoping this December we'll have a good showing for Fallout, our winter retreat. I'm looking for some volunteers to help with Campus Life on a weekly basis if anyone is interested; we meet on Monday nights.

Speaking of Campus Life meetings Monday nights, I had CL last night. We spoke about shaving things out of your life that it's time to leave behind; whether they are childish, inappropriate, or sinful. I centered it around my gotee. I started by brushing it and conditioning it, speaking on how we often take certain things in our lives and make them who we are, and we care for and pamper these aspects of who we think we are, whether we love them, hate them, or hate to love them. But we must shave them out of our lives, so of course... I shaved off my gotee. I'm sure there are shouts of glee and anguish both stemming from that proclamation. It's weird, but I think it was time. Now I need to decide if I'll grow back a normal gotee or just cling to my lonely soul-patch. Alas, I was saddened to realize I don't have another fist behind my beard like C. Norris.

I'm also part of a book discussion group this summer. We're reading Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. We're meeting at South Hills Assembly, in the youth room. Mike Milano, my main man, is leading it, so you know it's good. It ranges from very philosophical/heady, to almost theologically preachy, to very down to earth. I'm greatly enjoying it, and I know anyone is welcome to join whenever. We're only about 40-50 pages into the book.

Well I guess that's enough for now. Stay posted, Steve is still reinventing himself, so you never know what may happen next!

Updatage

It's been a fairly eventful last few days.

Yesterday, was Kelly's wedding day. She is no long Kelly Chappell, she is Kelly O'Leary. I really want to continue to call her Kellychappell, because I'm used to it and I like it. But Dave is a good guy, and if he doesn't want me calling her that, I'll have to make an effort to stop.

The wedding was great/beautiful/joyous. It was neat that David's father married them and as he spoke of the passages read and gave words of wisdom, it was a pastor speaking to the couple being married and those attending the wedding, but it was obvious that he was also very much speaking as a father to a son and his wife. I loved watching David and Kelly, holding each other's hands and wearing their emotions all over their faces. It was cute how they would at times swing each others arms slightly in excitement of the moment. Their smiles told the whole story.

The reception brought about even more fun. David and Kelly's (DK) first dance was awesome. Everyone thought it was choreographed, but as I spoke to Kelly later, she said it wasn't at all. They are a great pair. So much energy, so much character, so much love! I know that the extent of their love and joy was and is an inspiration to everyone in attendance. It's good to be reminded that love like that exists.

It was also great seeing so many of my old friends. The old youth group crew was representin'! Jonathan, Stacie, Seth, Jesse, Anthony, Jess Baker, Kristin, and myself; all at one table! We also had Jesse's wife Kelsey, Kristin's boyfriend Jordan, and my date Marissa. There were lots of laughs and reminiscing. But there is something a little strange. I think we encountered a wedding crasher...

Soon after finding our way to the table, which was filled with all youth group people, except for 2 seats, a middle aged woman (Debbie) sits down saying she is at our table. It was strange, but we were nice. She told us she was from PA, and was best friends with David's mother. I didn't know why they would stick her at our table. I actually chatted with her for a bit. She asked if we knew who Curry was because they were at our table too. We realized Jonathan and Stacie must be at our table, but there aren't enough seats. Then she left for a moment. About a minute later Jonathan and Stacie got there and sat in the two remaining seats, moving Debbie's things. We realized none of us had seen her table marker. She came back and stated she was at a different table. The rest of the night we kept a little eye on her, and she didn't seem to talk to anyone really. She was totally crashing that wedding! She just spies where there are empty seats and takes the spot. There is so much I have to learn from her.

So Marissa was my date. A great date she was too. She met a lot of my friends, most of which she didn't know at all. Early on, at the ceremony there were some issues, but after some cough medicine and a few safety pins, all was well. We had fun dancing, taking pictures, and breeding hamsters. Ok, so there were no hamsters (a man can dream). If you read this ever, thanks again for being my date to the wedding!

I tried to make myself have fun and hold back many of my typical reservations. I think I succeeded. I know I had fun, and was maybe even more awesome than usual; if that's possible. I really want to get some copies of the pictures from Marissa, because I think they will make me smile and chuckle and perhaps fart a little.

Now I feel like more of my friends need to get married so I can keep having fun nights like this. Maybe a marriage, followed by divorce, followed by subsequent remarriage (so I can wedding it up again!). Ok, let's make it happennn... annnnnnnnnnnd... Break!

Oh yeah... Kristin requested for Brooks (who DJed) to play My Humps via texting him on my phone. After he started playing it, David yelled at him. Kristin got Brooks in trouble. He was then stripped and beaten publically so everyone would know what "we" think of My Humps.


Today was/is Mother's Day. I'm not super close to my mom, but I'm making an effort to be a better son and let her into my life somewhat (although I remain cautious). I showed up at her house this morning to go to church with her. It was nice enough, got to see some friends (I had just been at the church the previous day for Kelly's wedding). It's good to see Pastor Morgan is still teaching almost exclusively on "Joy" without telling us why we should have it, just that we ought to be joyful. :::FRUSTRATION:::

After church my mom needed to go to the mall, so I went there with her. While she shopped I bought vitamins from Vitamin World. Then I walked around and sat around and played Tetris on my phone. Then I went home to eat and take a nap before going on a bike ride with my mom. We rode 14 miles, which is a good bit for a guy who is kind of out of shape. My mom is crazier with riding than you'd think. We finished the fourteen miles in a little over an hour of biking. I had to prove myself by keeping up. I think maybe I could outbike her... maybe. We stopped at Station Square to get a quick bite, since we were riding right by it. Then after biking, I came back home with her and cut the grass. Exciting yes. My mom really enjoyed the day though, so that's good.

Hopefully this wasn't too boring, but it's what the DA was originally designed for... telling of the excitement and drabness of my day to day.

Sudden Push

I guess I've reached the point in my life where all signs and all fingers start leading you down the aisle.

It's funny how suddenly that push takes place, or at least has for me. A year ago, there was no indication that marriage should be within my scope. I wasn't, and still am not completely, sure that it's part of my lot in life. I lean toward believing I will find the right girl, fall in love, get married, have 2.3 kids (does .3 represent some weird conjoined twin thing, or an extra arm and liver?). But honestly I don't know. It certainly seems nice, but I'm so "out there" in my values, convictions, and desires that I'm not sure any girl will fit into my bizarre (by our current social structure) lifestyle and beliefs.

I've only been to the wedding of one friend in the last several years. My buddy Brooks got married, and I was a groomsman. I don't count Brooks though, because he's four or five years older than me. Things are changing though (and already have). My good friend Jesse just got married on Saturday. My good friend Kelly is getting married this coming Saturday. And surely within the next 1-2 years a few more of my "my age" friends will be married.

I can't comprehend. I mean, good for them, but at this time and position in my life, I cannot fathom saying "this is the woman I will spend the rest of my life with." As much as I'd like to be able to feel that and as much as I search for that, I just can't currently. I am still perplexed by the phenomenon that is marriage. I don't know how one cannot believe in a God, and believe solely in Darwinistic happenings as the cause of everything we do and are. The decision for two people to devote the rest of their lives to one another would be ridiculous if it weren't so beautiful. And when it happens, that's a picture that is truly miraculous. Day after day, year after year, love proving itself again and again. Amazing... but heavy!



What a decision. They say you "just know" when you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. You better know, because that's a big lifestyle change. Especially with the promise of children, which my mom has been getting on me about lately. Just today I got a text saying how her friend was going to be a grandmother. This past summer I accompanied my mom to this very friend's son's wedding.

Marriage is one thing, procreating is another. I've always been more capable of seeing myself as a husband than a father. Maybe both are difficult to envision because of divorce rate in my family. Yet, I crave the companionship of a wife, but also fear the distraction that could come with it. As for children, I just can't often picture myself as a father. But there are moments...

There are moments when an image before me transports me through time to what I could be. I place myself in the shoes of the one I'm watching, and I can picture myself as a husband or a father. I can feel the love that I'll have, and the fulfillment of it. After the moment fades, I'm still a little skeptical and even fearful, but also hopeful, and usually wearing a smile.

I don't know why I worry so much. I am responsible, caring, and capable. There are those who are excellent husbands and fathers, who have needed to grow into the role greatly, and been successful in it. But I always want to do everything well... exceedingly well. And the undertaking of a family would be big.

Am I ready. I think not. I am under-disciplined, underpaid, and under-established; overly distracted, overly critical, and overly self-indulged. But if/when it happens I will ready myself. After all, I am a fierce, brave, daring man. I am not a nice guy. I am a warrior! A warrior that one day may walk down an aisle in a tuxedo... but not yet.

I Wish

There are so many times when an intense lack of satisfaction detonates in my soul and ripples through my emotions.

I find myself in a depressed state of "I wish" because I certainly am not good enough how I am.

I do my best to hide such things, as an ultimate toast to Christian hypocrisy... "I'm perfectly happy and whole in every way."

I wish I were more daring.
I wish I were more attractive.
I wish I were more poetic.
I wish I were more relaxed.
I wish I was the guy people called up to be with.
I wish I had that "someone."
I wish I were taller.
I wish I fit in.
I wish I could see myself as an adult.
I wish I believed I could be the person everyone wants me to be... if I even wanted to.

I wish I displayed more confidence (ironic, huh?).

So often I feel lost, worthless, or forgotten and then I chalk it up to one or more "I wish I were's." Surely these are the reasons I am feeling low, lost, without, depressed.

I am an encouragement junky. It's amazing I've become so addicted to it without tasting much. Maybe it's the wrong metaphor. Perhaps I'm just a soul laden with the disease of low self-esteem, craving a medicine from the viral bombardment of society and the apparent "reality".

What I really wish is that I could have the best attributes of everyone perfected and condensed into my very core. It's selfish and unrealistic. And it's not at all the answer.

The answer is contentment. The answer is a dose of Reality; of Truth. The answer is knowing who God made me. The answer is finding those who will value me as God made me.

Unfortunately I often feel as though this number is few.

I've lately avoided posts expressing my downers in this fashion, but maybe the new Steve is going to be open about things that I've kept more secret lately, or at least presented in a less raw way.

Floridia

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
Florida Pythons on the Loose
comedycentral.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Economic Crisis Political Humor

I'm in Tampa International Airport right now typing this blog, charging my laptop, and waiting for my plane. I am quite the little mutli-tasker, huh?

We stayed the week at my uncle's vacation house here in Florida, which is much grander by my standards than he considers it to be. The place has two bedrooms, a nice living room, screened in porch, unscreened porch, big kitchen, tall ceilings, a few HD TV's, two bathrooms, and so on and so on. Not huge, but big, and very nice.










We forgot our camera, so all the pictures we have was either taken with my laptop camera (the two above) or taken with my mom's cell phone.

When we arrived in Florida, my uncle and grandfather picked us up. They had come down about a week earlier with my other uncle and cousin, who had just left that morning. So for the next few days it would be me, mom, Uncle Jerry, and Scooge (my grandfather).

We had a good time. I felt like a jerk because I didn't talk much. I'm not very vocal when my mom is around... she's vocal enough for everyone. But it was nice have Scooge there. We kind of jab at him a lot because he's old and slow and whatnot. But it's all in fun, and he opens himself up to the teasing. Plus he's just a good guy.

My uncle took us around some of the surrounding areas the next few days and showed us where everything was, since we would be here a few days after he and my grandfather went back home. We went to Siesta Key (one of the top beaches in America), a pre-season Pirate game, and some local restaurants.

The first day or two I was not liking the sun. We were constanly in the sun... eating outside, driving with the top down, at the beach, or at a ball game... sun sun sun! I love the sun, but my light complected body needs a little time for adjustment, moving from 50 degree drizzle to 80 degree sunshine. I'm adjusted now, but there were a few moments of near misery in there. But the weather was beautiful. Sunny and about 80 every day, except one where it drizzled a bit with clouds, then cleared up by late afternoon.

I especially liked driving around in my uncles Mercedes convertible this weekend. There's just something fun about cruising down the highway with the wind in your hair and the sun on your shoulders. It made me feel very cool... and it made me really want a convertible!

I'm used to a life of conservitive, low-cost living. This was not that. All the stuff we were partaking of was not cheap, at least for the most part. My mom has been working a lot lately (the past few years especially) so she likes to flaunt her money from time to time... maybe not flaunt, but live it up or not feel like she needs to hold back. At least on vacation and sometimes in the day to day. I really don't like this. I've always worried about our (her) money situation, since I was a child.

I also wonder about if it's right to buy extravaganet or at least somewhat costly things, that are not necessary. People in Africa and Haiti are dying of malnutrition, and we're dishing out money for expensive tours or expensive meals. It kind of took away from the trip a bit. I'd actually prefer to spend less and just enjoy myself with the best things in life (which are free). Maybe it is ok to pamper yourself sometimes, I know I do... I just have trouble justifying it in my mind sometimes, be it toward myself or others.

I also was conflicted with where the money for much of this was coming from; my uncle. Not so much him, cause he's a good, generous guy. But he makes his living from cosmetic surgery. Not the kind where your kid was in an accident and their face no longer exists... more the kind where that 50 year old wants new boobs, that dude is tired of being bald, she wants to pretend she's 30 again, and he wants to lose 50 lbs without doing any work. Vanity. I think it's a major problem in America. There's a statistic where breast augmentation is one of the top graduation gifts being given to girls graduating high school. If I don't believe in this obsession and I don't believe in those who endorse it, how can I reap its financial rewards with a clear conscience?

Here's where some people think I'm crazy, but am I? It's a matter of morals and principles. And also logic. I'm somewhat perpetuating this, maybe only mildly and in an indirect way, but I am.

I don't mean to put a damper on the trip. It was great for the most part, and God was gracious with the weather. I would like to come back to Florida sometime soon with the friends. My mom was fine, but often our meals consisted of her texting and a lot of silence. There's only so much we have to say to each other... but we got along alright.

I really want to come back... and I want a convertible. So let me know when you have one for me! Not really... I'll just eat my fruits and vegetables and drive my '93 Suburu Impreza.



Maybe this post was a better fit for my other blog.

Steve Love... Steve Hate

Does anybody else ever get to points in their lives where they realize it's time to take inventory. You just aren't quite who you want to be or your life isn't quite what you thought it would be. Then you ask yourself, "what needs to stay and what needs to go?"

I'm having one of those now I think, which is typical every year or two. So I'm going to work at reinventing myself in some ways. I'm not totally sure what that even means, but it seems right. I feel a little like George Costanza when he realizes doing everything opposite of his normal inclinations gives drastic, and great, results.

I definitely want to start putting myself out there more. Meeting new people, doing new things. Do the things I'm often too timid or scared to do or say. Parts of my life are definitely progressing very well and I'm pleased with what God has placed before me, but there are other areas that need some change.

Change and reinvention sometimes require not progress, but regression. Such as, the ever popular Steve love, Steve hate lists. I was hanging out with Kristin last night, and these came up at some point, and I was glad to reminisce.

So without further adieu, a sampling:

• Steve love vegetables
• Steve love puppies
• Steve love the gym
• Steve love cute girls
• Steve love Redbox
• Steve love "spring forward"
• Steve love his semi-new Mac laptop
• Steve love small business
• Steve love Rojo-Tron

• Steve hate paying for car inspections
• Steve hate bleu cheese
• Steve hate that he is watching American Idol this season
• Steve hate wrinkled clothes
• Steve hate when Redboxes don't work
• Steve hate doing dishes
• Steve hate stimulus package
• Steve hate Twitter

Although Steve hate Twitter, Steve think that the "Steve hate/love" idea would be a much better rendition of Twitter.

Last night, as I was at Kristin's, which has been a more regular event lately, and we decided to play The Office board game. I went to my car to get it, and found the Legos from Campus Life a few days earlier. I was excited and brought in a container of legos. As I played with my childhood building blocks, nobody joined me :( But Kristin told me I should build Rojo-Tron.

Rojo-Tron started about a week earlier when a group of peeps were playing Settlers of Catan at Kristin's (it's a popular place). I have this habit of taking my unused pieces from the game, and creating characters or faces or whatever out of them. This particular night I was the red player, so all my pieces were red. I formed a robot looking figure out of my unused road, settlement, and city blocks. In my witty fashion, I named with robot "Rojo-Tron," a play on Robotron, substituting the Spanish word for red, "rojo." You think I'm dumb, but it was fun then.

So I spent the evening creating a mostly red rendition of Rojo-Tron out of legos. It was fun. He now lives at Kristin's house, so maybe she'll take a picture and send it to me so I can upload it to my blog. The best part of Rojo-Tron is that he carries a briefcase and aspires to be a ballerina.

Another eventful moment from last night was an incredible "That's what she said!" I feel that I cannot repeat it because it is kind of bad, but was innocent in its original context... until Kristin said, "That's what she said." And we were grossed out and filled with laughter.

So on that note, I want to let all my readers know, if you aren't being an active part of my life right now, you should be. I'm pretty freakin' awesome and I create sweet inside jokes, like "Special Bill." I bet most of you have no idea what I'm talking about. Yeah that's right, you wish you knew!

Yeah, I farted, jealous?

Ok, I'm just being weird now.

Forgive me. Farewell.

2009 Predictions

:::I started this post on January 2nd, but just remembered it and finished it up.  Less guesswork now that we're over a month into the year, but oh well:::

The coming year is bound to bring a lot of new things in my world and the surrounding worlds of my friends and family.  So therefore I am going to list some predictions for the coming year.  I guess we'll see how I do.

1.  New Engagements:

• Marriage was such a popular topic last time, I figured I'd start with engagments this round.  Ok, first I'm going to put Jeana, since that seems like a gimme, if it isn't already official.  Kristin is also up there because she seems to expect it, and Kristin tends to get what she wants.  I'm also throwing Lacey in as a pretty sure thing, seeing as how she has her timeline all mapped out, and I believe an engagement is set for this year.  Seth is tricky, but I'm still pulling for him, so Seth is also added in the 2009 engagement list.  For my sake I hope it's not that soon, but Jamie is probably getting close to an engagement as well.  But who knows, he tends to drag his feet on some stuff.

2.  Apple Losing Some Steam

• Everyone knows I am an Apple fan and that they've been doing a great job.  But it seems they've made a few strange decisions lately.  They also lost the great Steve recently as well (but only for a little while, so they say).  Without Steve, Apple hasn't done great in the past.  So although I do believe they will continue to increase in market share, I also believe they will lose a bit of their wow factor and completeness in meeting the desires of the public.

3.  Obama

• Obama is President now, so "change" is bound to happen.  I think Obama will get most of everything he wants this year.  Huge division will come between Democrats who are further wooed by Barack, and the Republicans who will become more rigid about opposing him, under the command of Rush Limbaugh, and other such blunt conservatives.  Taxes will go up, babies will die, golden parachutes will deploy, and gay marriage will be on its way to legalization during this year.  I sound like a huge Obama hater, which I'm not, I just disagree with a lot of his stuff... and I don't think we can quite put a finger on his moral character yet... but it is shifting a tad.

4.  The Office

• Jim and Pam will get married.  Dwight and Angela will kind of get back together.  Michael will go off and on with Holly.  Ryan will have to make his way back into the show somehow, maybe as a pizza delivery boy or a manager at a competing paper company.  Toby will become interested in Holly and battle Michael for her (not really for any of that).  But Toby will receive the key to the city.  Phyllis will miraculously conceive a child to Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.  Angela will find some sinful activity to replace her deceitful relationships.  And Kevin will get Scrantonicity back together to play for Jim and Pam's wedding.

5.  Me

• I will start reading/learning more.  I'll continue to get more video gigs and develop my little production company.  My cell phone service will switch to Verizon.  I will get a new car.  I'll go on a few dates, and break a few hearts.  I will develop back problems from my continued sleep on a futon.  I will be pretty consistent at the gym, seeing as how it is becoming 24hours!  So I will therefore be in good shape finally, and flocks of women will swoon over me.  I will find a new home church that I feel like I belong at.  I think I might finally start being adventurous when I feel bored and alone, and go meet new people/cause havoc.  Regardless, of any of this, I want this to be a good year where I grow as a person and help others grow too.

iWreck

So, since my failed attempt at buying an iPod, I am now successful. I am an iPod owner!

I got one of the new 6th generation iPod Classics (120gig). I picked it up from some kid in an old Camaro. He wreaked of cigarettes, and so did the ipod, amazingly enough. But it was a good price, and he dropped another 15 bucks off the price because he forgot the charging cable, which I bought online for $1.25. It's nice of me to help fund his probable drug addiction.

The iPod was loaded with all kinds of crazy music (90 Gig worth!). I used an application called Floola to copy some of his good music off the thing before I wiped it clean and started from scratch. He also thought he deleted his pictures from the iPod, but they were still on there in a directory. Seemed like a nice guy with a nice family. No nudie pics in there or anything like that... umm, yeah.

So anyway, I've got an iPod full of sweet jamz, and my awesome Steve-made videos. I'm not like Mr. iPod; I'm not being a punk kid who has earbuds in his ears constantly. It's just a nice every now and then thing for now.

After buying it, I started thinking that I shouldn't have because my finances are lower than I thought they were. But oh, well...

Then on Thursday IT happened! I was on my way to the city, merging onto rt. 279 from Greentree. There was a van in front of me, and I was looking back to make sure I could merge onto the highway. I thought I saw the van merge on in my peripheral vision, so I accelerated. Bam! I hit him. My first accident.

I kept thinking in my head, "Oh crap, this is not what I need right now." It wasn't a hard hit; I was going maybe 10 mph when I collided into his bumper. So I step out of the car with my insurance information. I meet him there and say hi, as I hold out my insurance. He doesn't say a word. Looks at the bumper, which is slightly pushed up from the hit. Opens the back van door, which clears the bumper. I ask "do you want this?" referring to my information. He responds, as if not necessarily even talking to me, "Why the sh*t should I care? Not my van."

What a horrible attitude to have about your employer's van; but I was never more happy to hear an utterance such as that. What a break! Thanks be to God, who by his divine will, has hardened the heart of this individual for the benefit of His chosen elect! Ha, life is funny.

I also went over my friend Kristin's house. I'm especially mentioning this because Kristin is one of my few regular readers. We exchanged Christmas gifts over a month late. She got me a daily calendar from a comic strip, which I currently forget the name of, but do find enjoyable. I also got two books, one that is supposed to make me a less tense person and the other is about a guy who lived by Old Testament law for a year. It was a pretty sweet mix. I got Kristin travel Scrabble. Kristin, Marissa (Kristin's roommate), and I played Scrabble. I'm not much of a braggard, so I won't tell you how I kicked their butts hardcore.

The evening was full of fun joking, a Snuggie (I wonder if Marissa go the free booklight with it), and American Idol, which I'm mildly into this season. Kristin's roommate Meg was eating hummus, blueberries, and other Steve-approved food, which made me feel very at home. I'm not sure what exactly it is, but I really like Kristin's roommates. So I'll probably start hanging out with them when Kristin isn't around, seeing as how I don't much care for her... just kidding. But yeah, Steve love the ladies. Maybe someday "the ladies" will love Steve back.

The Going On's Of Steve's Life

I think my life is starting to pick up, in that it's becoming a bit more interesting, and in some ways a bit more meaningful. I'll just list some stuff going on in the past week or two.

Last week I picked up my friend Raymond, who has been without a job for a while, and whom I met asking for money on the street several months ago. We were going to put in a few applications online for a couple jobs he was interested in. It ended up we didn't because he didn't have a resume with him, but even so, it was great to see him getting serious about finding a job. He's getting tired of being without. The cold weather is probably making him realize how low things are for him, when he's asking for money in five degree weather. I also visited his room last week and felt kind of bad for his living conditions. But he's getting more determined to make things work.

It was funny though... I took him to Kings to get some food. I think the lady there thought he was retarded or something because he was asking to get a waffle instead of pancakes and wasn't conveying it well, so I spoke for him. And I just got the sneaking suspicion that she believed I was someone "watching" him or something to that extent. It reminded me of the episode of The Office where the new H.R. lady, Holly, thinks Kevin is retarded.

But overall I'm feeling much better about our relationship. I feel less like Raymond is using me and more like we're friends. Even the other day I noticed something different. Usually Raymond ends our calls by saying, "Ok, get on." It's like his trademark sign-off or something. But the other day he ended it with "love ya bro." I didn't even catch it until after I hung up. But it's encouraging to see things progress and close bonds form. And lately he has expressed how appreciative he is of how I help him.

I also had a not so great run-in recently. I've been looking to buy an iPod lately. But since I don't have much money, and I am always looking for a deal anyway, I have been searching Craigslist. There have been a few nice deals that I missed, but I saw a post for someone selling a 32Gig iPod Touch for $235, which is almost half off the $400+ price for the same thing on Apple's website. Since it had just been posted 45 minute prior, I felt I had a good chance of getting it. I texted and e-mailed the guy. We planned to meet at his work, where I could buy it, since I had to leave for a retreat at 5:30.

I got to the Oxford Center, where he works as a chef, and waited for his wife to drop off the iPods (he had two). I opened the box and pulled out the player. It seemed a little small... but it did say iPod on the back. Something was wrong. While waiting, prior to the "iPod's" arrival, I hung out at the Mac Outfitters in the same building; so we headed over there for me to compare. It was fake, but a nice try at a counterfeit. It had a camera, which the touch doesn't have. I didn't have the proprietary iPod input on the bottom. And it was a bit smaller than the real deal.

The whole time this guy was pretending like it was news to him, that this fake iPod, coming out of a real iPod box was not legit. So I left, saying pretty much nothing. When I got home I wrote him an e-mail telling him what he was doing was wrong. I told him that he cheated me out of time and gas because of a lie. He responded with two e-mails full of vulgarity. It was a bummer thing. I wonder if he has tricked anyone with his little scam.

There are two morals of the story. #1. Don't try to trick Steve when it comes to electronics... I'm onto you! #2. Let Steve know if you know anyone selling an iPod for cheap.


I was at a retreat this past weekend. It was the YFC Student Leaders retreat for Pittsburgh. It's a neat time because the kids are pretty much all serious about their walk with God. It's a low-key weekend where we can all just bond without too much work to do.

I was a little bummed that none of my kids came, even though one was supposed to be there; but oh well. I've gotten to know students from other clubs quite well from trips like this one, so I still felt like I had a place. I also was the leader of our small group discussion time. Even though my boss Chris, the Executive Director of our chapter, was in the group, he still let me lead it. I really do enjoy leading discussion groups... especially ones like this where we're all being honest. It's a time where I'm a leader in a way, but I'm also just a member. We aren't hiding ourselves, we're real about the struggles and sins in our lives, and there's something freeing about that. There are also words of wisdom, words of truth, and words of love. But I think most of all it really helps to feel like you're in a family where you're not alone in your sin and hardships.

It's been neat as I dive a little deeper into theology. I find myself filling in the gaps of discussions, where the truth is missing. Those places where emotion fluff over what the Bible says. And when you bring up a Biblical point (even if you're not referencing the Bible with it) it opens things up to an "oh yeah" sensation. And I feel students are starting to know me as a guy who asks hard questions and jumps up on a soapbox from time to time (I did both in our group). Both are good things, I believe, and I hope that things I say resonate with them. I desire to plant seeds or truth and love in the hearts and minds of both the students and the leaders. I hope I can be challenging and an example of love to those around me, and I desire for those around me to repay the favor by challenging and loving me.

With all my words and thoughts, I did feel reminded by the students of Jesus. The supernatural truth that he IS and that he WORKS. I get into the mindset where I believe Jesus gave us the answers the help us in our problems, and I forget that Jesus is the answer. That calling on him and asking of him the right things will result in him granting to us that which the Spirit has spoken to our hearts.

On a similar note, I've been reading some of the writings of the early church fathers. I think Mike is leading me on a path to reading all of them in a row. So far I've read St. Clement of Rome and St. Mathetes. Very interesting and inspiring letters. I hope to keep getting perspective so that I can answer hard questions.

Beyond that, there is a very interesting story from the past weekend, but I believe I will post that on Pragmatically Charged in the near future. So look out for it! Maybe even in a few minutes.

Binge & Purge

Nutritionists will tell you not to take on the habitual binge/purge rhythm to your eating.  But you just can't resist the allure of chocolate.  One potato chip leads to one bag of potato chips.  And your daily burger just becomes part of your routine... even though you KNOW your shouldn't.  

So we call 1-800-09-JENNY.  And we go on slimfast.  And we join the gym.  And we go on some crazy diet where you can only eat meat and cheese or do something crazy with an enima.  And we do these things... for a week or two (or until we can no longer either sit on or stop sitting on a toilet).  We cut down our portions or take a magic pill until we've lost 5-10-4,000 lbs (depending on your situation).  Once we feel normal, healthy, and confident again we open ourselves up to the temptation.  And thus we become Oprah or Luther Vandross.  Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose gain... die.

Modern day science, and the rampant spread of disease and death makes it clear that binge/purge is not the way we should live.  But my point is not really about weight or diet.

I'm coming off of a few day purge (or binge, depending on how you look at it).  Sitting in my high-back swivel chair, going through hours and hours of football footage to make a montage video.  Over the last few days I have spent probably close to 50 hours working on this video.  Edit, sleep for 5 hours, wake up, edit, shoot some supplemental video, edit, eat a cracker and a bag of m&m's, edit, sleep.  It's not healthy to be working 18 hours a day, even if it is for just a few days or a week.

The point is that I have bad living habits that are comparable to bad eating habits.  I binge on life and relaxation to a point where it isn't good for me.  And then I have to purge and work super hard to catch up, which also isn't good for me.  If I could buckle down and find some structure in my life I could be in a much better place.  Like eating, I wouldn't feel forced to purge hardcore if I hadn't been bingeing so much!

I've gotten some good, stern advice, that I should schedule everything in my day.  Oh my.  For me that seems like a lot, seeing as how I schedule very little except for work events or meetings (and that's only because of iCal).  But I'm going to start trying to schedule most of my day; despite the fact that I'm sure the unforeseen variables will blow holes in it on a regular basis.

My binge might be other people's purge.  Some people are so structured and such work-aholics that to be away from the office any day of the week feels like a purge to them.  Obviously this isn't ideal either, and can be harmful to a person's life, identity, health, etc.

Maybe this is a good thing for all of us to reflect on occasionally, or regularly.  Am I being a good steward of my time?  Is my life balanced, does it reflect harmony?  Does the way I live my life leave room for all my priorities (God, others, myself, work... hopefully in an order close to that)?

A balanced life is such an enticing goal.  That's why I can't understand the reasons I fight it so.

I am the most interesting of creatures, in that I defy logic at every opportunity.  But at least I dwell upon my absurdities... and then blog about them.

Because You Care

I'm writing a blog today, despite all the work I have to do and my fast-approaching deadline, because I know you care. Ok, that's a lie. I have no idea if you care... and if I'm going to make a guess about things based on analytical means, I would say there's a better chance that you don't care. I'm not being a downer, but come on, let's be real.

I have a video due early this coming week. I am not at the point of entering "freak out" mode where I pound my head with the questions "WHY DID I WAIT SO LONG?!?!?" But if I don't pick up my pace, I will be in some trouble.

I was talking to my friend Kelly about the niceties and difficulties of having almost no set work schedule. It's very nice to do stuff on your own time and to help people who need a ride or help in the middle of the day, when everyone else is at their 9-5 job. But when you don't have a set work schedule, I think there is a much higher tendency to put in more hours than the typical person (especially if you care about your work like I do). I wish I had the structure and willpower to designate specific times during the week to do work. As it is, I wait until the last possible minute to get my work done.

So now I feel like a video editing recluse in my house. I need more visitors. For that, maybe I need more friends. I think I'm a pretty good friend. At the very least, people should want to be my friend for the superficial reasons of: I will cook them fine cuisine, I have an enormous DVD collection that we can choose from, and I just bought a blender at an estate sale today, soooo... SMOOTHIES!

Maybe I don't have friend because everyone has read my blog and realized I'm boring. This is boring. I should start writing more interesting blogs. I used to be good at this. Something inside me is dying; I can only hope it's my intestinal parasite, but fear it is my fun, spontaneous side. Let's try start a newish year resolution of entertaining/thought provoking blogs.

A Good Day

Today was really quite a good day all around.

I woke up and went to church with my cousin Tierney.  The service was good, I felt connected with the sermon, and looking out at the church I saw the church truly being the church.  We all laid hands on and prayed for Scott for several minutes, who is having a return of some cancer lumps.  I watched some members of the church go around to one another with love and sometimes tears in their eyes to give a loving and encouraging word (without any coaxing by the pastor either).  And I saw one of the women lovingly compliment my cousin on the beauty that radiates from her and then anoint her with oil.  It was encouraging.

Then right after church, the pastor's grandson, one of the former Campus Life kids I worked with, took a look at my car.  He's a mechanic now, and he's going to give me a good price on fixing up some problems with my car so I can pass inspection!  It's times like that where it's especially good to have friends.

It was a good day.

I came home and did some preparation for a dish I was cooking for later that night.  After some prep work I gathered the rest of my ingredients etc. and headed to Kristin's for our youth group crew reunion.

Kristin was in a bad mood when I got there, and very pessimistic believing no one would show up.  But we hung out and I started cooking some more there.  Jeana and Dave showed up shortly after.  Jeana told Kristin she was pregnant, and Kristin didn't believe her insisting that she was really just getting fat.  Kristin displayed her tummy exclaiming that she also could be with child.  I think it wasn't until Kristin actually felt the difference in poking a belly with a baby and one without, that she believed.  And that began the talk of the night.  Jeana and her pregnancy/baby.  Kristin's duty in life was now to be the deliverer... not of the baby... but of the news of the baby.  Everyone that walked through the door, Anthony, Kelly, Dave, Jesse, Kelsey, Emma, Jonathan, Stacie, and even Jeana's brother Ben, were immediately informed of the baby, regardless of whether or not they already knew.

So that was fun.

It was great sitting around joking and catching up.  Jonathan and Stacie's son Joshua is two years old today, and he granted us some entertainment by playing close-range football.  I finished up my dish (stuffed zucchini) and chatted with Kristin's roommate some more in the kitchen.  She was really nice and for whatever reason I felt pretty confident about myself.  We actually had decent conversation for it being pretty brief.  There wasn't any flirting or anything (so don't go there Kristin), but it was part of the ongoing theme of the day where I felt comfortable and confident in myself.

It was a good day.

The group began to split.  Some were going to eat, and others were just going.  I was just going, since I had a Christmas/New Years party with Youth For Christ to go to.  I stopped home to throw my food in the oven a bit longer and pick up the gift for the gift exchange, which I forgot earlier.  Then I headed to the coffee shop for the party.  I just kind of hung somewhat by myself for a bit at first, as there weren't too many there who I was close with.  As some of the friends I knew better showed up, I gravitated toward them.

There is some real love in the people of YFC.  I love the relationships I'm forming there.  I felt cool just being myself.  I never felt like anyone was judging me, and I wasn't judging them.  We ate, we talked, we exchanged gifts.  I bought those dryer balls, to use instead of dryer sheets.  My one co-worker Dave and his wife got that, and insisted on knowing who gave that gift.  They liked it and also joked about it, so it was sweet.  I got these picture ornaments that smell like a Catholic church... all incense-like.  We joked about what a weird gift it was, from the girl that brought the gift.  Her grandmother gave it to her for her birthday, and she regifted since it's so ridiculous.  We had fun.  I felt natural and interesting and confident and just... on.

It was a good day.

Love makes a big difference.  So often I'm in situations that reek more of criticism or judgement than of love and compassion.  I am thrilled when I am surrounded by those who are so focused on the good time set before them, that they are way too busy to be petty.  I think that's something very Christian.  If we are really excited and devoted to this life we are being granted, we will be so excited to live it out and to love it out that the petty stuff won't even be noticed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a utopia.  Hugs and encouraging words flow plentifully.  Other times I feel like I'm in hell, where I don't rate and I can't compare to anyone.  It's so much nicer when nobody is even comparing anyway.

Today I felt like a person and not a clump of attributes.  I felt attractive all around.  I didn't worry about things I normally worry about.  I'm not sure I even heard a negative word directed toward me.  It's good to be loved.

It was a good day.

Help make tomorrow a good day for yourself and for those around you.

2008 Can Eat Donuts!

Prepare to jump around more than Kris Kross (I forgot how young they were).

The holidays were pretty good.  Definitely better than last year.  Every year I connect a little more with one or two members of my family that I hardly ever talk to.  So maybe by the time I'm 50 I can know my own family decently.  We had probably 90 people or so at our Christmas Eve gathering.  My two cousins Dean and Joey did the 12 Days of Christmas again.  It's a sight to behold.  I was told someone filmed it and was placing it on YouTube, but no such luck.  Maybe they'd flag it for exposed middle-aged buttocks.  Yeah, that's right.  If I were placing a link on here, I would not have given you such a warning.

We took more Christmas Day pictures with the manger scene and such.  I'm not posting them here, but they're on Facebook, so you can check them out if you have the proper permissions and whatsnots.  Ha ha... snots.  I did get a present that is the one to brag about.  It's a calendar called "Monthly Doos."  Yeah, it's a calendar featuring a different dog doo at a different scene each month.  It's pretty rockin' and I guess I can start using it come tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow.  Tomorrow is January 1st, 2009.  And I think we all knows what that means.  Just about 3 years left until the end of the world.  Well technically it's almost 4 years away.  But just make sure you achieve everything you ever wanted to do, or give me anything you ever wanted to give me (a magic set, a sexy kiss, a thimble, a million dollars, a spaceship, humus), just in case the world ends by an alien race of Mayan Indians destroying the world after drawing elaborate crop circles in each and every corn field on Earth and abducting all of our Tom Hanks movies to watch on their way back to Uranus.  I love the Your-anus joke!  Seriously, when was the last time you heard that?  Do clean people with attractive butts hear that joke more often because it's not that offensive.  They know their butt is nothing to be ashamed of.  Where nobody wants to think of gross, lumpy butts, that are covered with filth and left over pieces, so do ugly butts hardly ever hear that hallmark knee-slapper?  We should do a study.

New Year's Eve is always a weird night for me.  I never feel like I have a real place to go.  I almost always seem to find somewhere to go with people I know, but it'll be last minute, like, "oh yeah, do you want to come?"  And wherever I end up, it's always with one or two people I know pretty well, a couple I know alright, and half I've hardly or never met.  New Year's Eve makes me feel like I really don't have a solid friend base.  My friends are spread wide and thin, where most of them aren't friends with each other, as they are with me.  It's just strange.  Is this a normal feeling/situation?  So tonight I'll probably end up with my family and their friends.

Last night was Battle of the Bands.  I was pretty much in charge of the event, which ended up bringing in almost 400 people (over 400 with the bands and staff I'm sure).  It was our biggest event yet.  Kind of stressful at the beginning, but once it got going, and staff people actually showed up, it almost ran itself.  I hope I did an OK job running it.  I don't think anyone would really notice anything wrong with it, but I know a few things I wanted to do that just didn't happen.  But it was a success, and I'll probably spend tomorrow creating an in-depth spread sheet analyzing tallies and ticket stubs in relationship to money brought in and tickets sold.

I think I need something or someone to spice up my life a bit and make it more exciting, or at least different.  Any thoughts?  I was thinking John Stamos.  I look at him and think, there is a guy who can make a life exciting just by being close to it.  He probably has awesome stories about Bob Saget.  And maybe when I die he'll come to my funeral.

But yeah, lately I've been feeling like it would be nice to have some sort of wingman, you know, the buddy that is always around or some type of female friend that I could constantly ridicule and tease and throw donuts at.  Yeah.  Then, life would be good.  Why is it SO hard to find a girl you can throw donuts at?  It could eventually become like a Chucky Cheese game, where if she got good enough, I would throw donuts at her and she would just unhinge her jaw and swallow them whole.  At some point she would get sick of me throwing donuts at her face and want to make it a positive.  This decision would be win-win.  She gets to eat donuts, and I get an entertaining game of skill to compete at... oh yeah, and she gets morbidly obese.  Thus is life.

Alright Kristin, you're the only one who reads my blog, so I expect some comments.

When Life Gets Heavy

Life has been a bit confusing lately, and certainly not relaxing. Since graduating college and ignoring my degree I have had a rough time financially. I justified this as a venture towards a simple life as a means to have a more fulfilling existence and have a positive effect on the world. I recited this mantra in my head repeatedly, especially when I was faint of heart and light of wallet. I can remember times where I would sit on my bed in a buzzed (not buzzed with alcohol or narcotics) state of mind, just trying to strategize some sort of way to manifest the money I needed to pay my bills. What could I sell? What little job could I pick up? Does anybody owe me any money? It always seemed to end in me rolling the coins from my piggy bank.

The hidden question in my mind was, do I use this sense of righteous duty to the greater way as a cop out for being unsuccessful? Everyone did and does get on my case about finding a job. "Do you have a job yet?" Of course I do, it's a part time job, I've had it for a few years. "But you need to keep looking for something."

I'm not wealthy now. I'm probably not even close to middle class at this point. But I feel wealthier, especially compared to where I was just a few months ago. What I make with my regular salary is about enough to cover all my bills. I've also been getting quite a bit of computer tech/video work. I can afford to eat out every now and then now, I am affording some new equipment, and I am able to give more to people in need. I feel like I should say "good for me!" It's looking more and more like my video business could become something lucrative as word spreads. Success is within my grasp!

Money doesn't bring meaning or success to life. I'm seriously not opposed to people making money, and I'm glad I can put a little more into the church offering on a regular basis, but the busyness, stress, and distraction it has brought me makes me feel like a failure. I miss some of the spontaneity I strived for before, the time of reflection and thinking I allowed for myself, and the amount of time I spent seeking God. Sometimes I felt lazy as being someone who didn't have a job job, but instead would hang out with homeless people, think about stuff, read, debate with Mormons, and write blogs. Now I feel lazy for not doing those things like I should.

Should I be able to live both sides adequately? Maybe. I want to say yes, but I also feel like something is always sacrificed. If I really do have to choose, I think I prefer the one that brings me more peace. But maybe I am just lazy. Perhaps I can do all these things still, but in recent experience of trying, I have felt exhausted trying to do everything I should and want to do.

As I've considered all of these things I've realized how alone I am (or at least feel). It seems like I need to do everything for myself and help out other people with their stuff. I have almost no one looking out for me, or lessening my burden. I feel I should clarify... there are people like my volunteers with Campus Life, my family who has helped me out financially and other ways many times, and other friends who are there for me. But still overall I feel like the guy who needs to carry the world.

Even if I need to carry most of the things in my life, some good moral support would do wonders. I'm starved for affection. I find myself longing for a strong enduring hug that someone only gives you when they really care. I actually find myself going home to my mom's more often just so I can get a hug and kiss from my mom (whom most of you know I'm not all that close with). I've built the castle I'm living in. I'm typically not real touchy or affectionate, out of fear that it would be awkward or misconstrued or just because I never have been that way with so-and-so. But there's something special about being around people who love to embrace, encourage, and just plain love each other. It's freeing and life-giving.

My cousin Sam is a perfect example. When you talk to him he looks you in the eye. He cares. He talks loud and with passion. He loves to hug and kiss... and pinch cheeks. He's so uninhibited with displaying his affection. I love seeing him and I can't help but smile when he's around. When I experience his zest, I see hints of what I want my life to display.

I guess I should start being this a little more to those around me. Maybe we all should. I would imagine most of us could use a deep loving hug more than we admit. So next time you see me, don't be surprised to get a big hug... or if I don't why don't you surprise me with a big hug... and if you're daring, a sloppy kiss.