This Review Left Me "Howling"

I stumbled across the link to this review in a comment from another blog.

I enjoyed it greatly, and hopefully you will too.

Now I feel like I MUST have this shirt!

B. Govern, you da man!

Pubelic Humiliation

I received a call from my darling little cousin Tierney a few weeks ago. She left a message saying, "Oh my God Steve! I can't believe... hold on your mom is calling me... click" What kind of message is that. What a little sharkface! So I called her back from her abandoned message and here's what the message was regarding... I'll include the backstory.

Alright, so a few weeks ago I informed the world at large of my move to shave "the gotee" out of my life. And I did. An item that incites as much emotional reaction as a grotesque gotee must not be eradicated from a peoples without some great action to accompany it. Thus I decided to inform my gotee's two most distinct rivals of their ultimate victory over the feared beard. So I did what any rational human being would do... I saved the hair I shaved off, separated it into two equal groups, and inserted into two envelopes. On one, I wrote "Mom," on the other I wrote "Tammy." I must inform those who do not know, I am my mother's only child, so she had an easy enough time knowing that the contents of the envelope (not containing a "From") were indeed from her beloved child, how proud she was. My aunt (Tammy), however, was not given the clue of "Aunt" preceding her name to allow her to know that the envelope was from me.

Upon opening the envelope and finding it full of short curly hairs, she freaked out. She had no clue who it was from... negligence on my part. My mom found her envelope first and told me I should put a "from" on it for my aunt, but my car was in the shop and I wasn't able to make it over there to correct my mistake. Annnnnyway, my aunt, in her panic, calls the cops. They show up and she wants them to get fingerprints. They exclaim "We can't get fingerprints off of hair." "THE ENVELOPE, GET THEM OFF THE ENVELOPE!" my aunt calmly responds.

She's wondering who would do such a thing. They have a maid also named Tammy who was there the previous day, and they wonder if it was hers. Who would commit such a hate crime? What sick-minded pervert could possibly have the audacity to disgust a decent American family with such a lewd act?

Her daughters are telling her that it must be a joke. But my aunt is still freaked until she finds out (dun, dun, dunnnnnn) it was me. Once she discovers the culprit, she thinks it's hysterical. She calls my other aunt, Trina, and they laugh until they almost pee. I had heavily considered splitting the hair into three parts, and including Trina, since she despised it too. I'm just glad Tammy wasn't mad. And days later when I visited, the envelope was sitting next to their kitchen sink, as if it was waiting to be used or further discussed when company was over. Weird... but so am I.

Does His Power Come From God?

Pat Robertson's Leg Press | Viral | SPIKE.com

I'm not a big fan of Pat Robertson at all. But check this out!

I really don't know what to say about this old man with quads of steel.

So maybe he's cheating a little...

All I know is, this is certainly a humble man ;)

2008 Can Eat Donuts!

Prepare to jump around more than Kris Kross (I forgot how young they were).

The holidays were pretty good.  Definitely better than last year.  Every year I connect a little more with one or two members of my family that I hardly ever talk to.  So maybe by the time I'm 50 I can know my own family decently.  We had probably 90 people or so at our Christmas Eve gathering.  My two cousins Dean and Joey did the 12 Days of Christmas again.  It's a sight to behold.  I was told someone filmed it and was placing it on YouTube, but no such luck.  Maybe they'd flag it for exposed middle-aged buttocks.  Yeah, that's right.  If I were placing a link on here, I would not have given you such a warning.

We took more Christmas Day pictures with the manger scene and such.  I'm not posting them here, but they're on Facebook, so you can check them out if you have the proper permissions and whatsnots.  Ha ha... snots.  I did get a present that is the one to brag about.  It's a calendar called "Monthly Doos."  Yeah, it's a calendar featuring a different dog doo at a different scene each month.  It's pretty rockin' and I guess I can start using it come tomorrow.

Yes, tomorrow.  Tomorrow is January 1st, 2009.  And I think we all knows what that means.  Just about 3 years left until the end of the world.  Well technically it's almost 4 years away.  But just make sure you achieve everything you ever wanted to do, or give me anything you ever wanted to give me (a magic set, a sexy kiss, a thimble, a million dollars, a spaceship, humus), just in case the world ends by an alien race of Mayan Indians destroying the world after drawing elaborate crop circles in each and every corn field on Earth and abducting all of our Tom Hanks movies to watch on their way back to Uranus.  I love the Your-anus joke!  Seriously, when was the last time you heard that?  Do clean people with attractive butts hear that joke more often because it's not that offensive.  They know their butt is nothing to be ashamed of.  Where nobody wants to think of gross, lumpy butts, that are covered with filth and left over pieces, so do ugly butts hardly ever hear that hallmark knee-slapper?  We should do a study.

New Year's Eve is always a weird night for me.  I never feel like I have a real place to go.  I almost always seem to find somewhere to go with people I know, but it'll be last minute, like, "oh yeah, do you want to come?"  And wherever I end up, it's always with one or two people I know pretty well, a couple I know alright, and half I've hardly or never met.  New Year's Eve makes me feel like I really don't have a solid friend base.  My friends are spread wide and thin, where most of them aren't friends with each other, as they are with me.  It's just strange.  Is this a normal feeling/situation?  So tonight I'll probably end up with my family and their friends.

Last night was Battle of the Bands.  I was pretty much in charge of the event, which ended up bringing in almost 400 people (over 400 with the bands and staff I'm sure).  It was our biggest event yet.  Kind of stressful at the beginning, but once it got going, and staff people actually showed up, it almost ran itself.  I hope I did an OK job running it.  I don't think anyone would really notice anything wrong with it, but I know a few things I wanted to do that just didn't happen.  But it was a success, and I'll probably spend tomorrow creating an in-depth spread sheet analyzing tallies and ticket stubs in relationship to money brought in and tickets sold.

I think I need something or someone to spice up my life a bit and make it more exciting, or at least different.  Any thoughts?  I was thinking John Stamos.  I look at him and think, there is a guy who can make a life exciting just by being close to it.  He probably has awesome stories about Bob Saget.  And maybe when I die he'll come to my funeral.

But yeah, lately I've been feeling like it would be nice to have some sort of wingman, you know, the buddy that is always around or some type of female friend that I could constantly ridicule and tease and throw donuts at.  Yeah.  Then, life would be good.  Why is it SO hard to find a girl you can throw donuts at?  It could eventually become like a Chucky Cheese game, where if she got good enough, I would throw donuts at her and she would just unhinge her jaw and swallow them whole.  At some point she would get sick of me throwing donuts at her face and want to make it a positive.  This decision would be win-win.  She gets to eat donuts, and I get an entertaining game of skill to compete at... oh yeah, and she gets morbidly obese.  Thus is life.

Alright Kristin, you're the only one who reads my blog, so I expect some comments.

Nothing Worse Than Left-Over Pieces

Have you seen these new Charmin commercials with the bears who obviously have some sticky butts. The whole thing is about the major issue of toilet paper sticking to the bottoms of bears and possibly humans.

If you haven't seen them, take a peek.




Is there some big epidemic of butts full of shredded toilet paper that I don't know about? Are there lots of people saying, "If only SOMEBODY would make a toilet tissue that wouldn't cling to my anus, THEN maybe my mother would stop running after me with an industrial cleaning brush aimed at my butt!" Well buddy, maybe you should keep your dangling butt chads to yourself, instead of exposing your badunkadunk and rubbing it against the community football.

Remember these commercials. I believe that in the next 10-15 years we will see a drastic rise in young people freely exposing themselves in public, followed by a sudden gleam of light flashing from their extremely clean rear.

God made us to be ashamed of our naked butts! These unholy clingons aid our shame, thus I must assume they are God's will. Don't take the Mark of the Beast, mass produced by Charmin. But if you are too weak to resist the temptation of an effectively wiped backside; if you've already been deceived by the flex-weave... I guess I'll see you in hell.

Oh yeah, and it feels nice when you rub it on your face too.

I Think I'm SAD

I have been a log of crap lately.

I feel unmotivated in the day to day things of life. I haven't been doing much in the way of cooking, cleaning, eating as healthy as usual, going outside, working out, etc. I do stuff because I'm a busy guy, but whatever is optional, or no one is relying on me for, I completely neglect. I just want to sleep and eat salty foods and occasionally use the bathroom (but only if necessary). This has onset over the last couple weeks. Why?

Maybe I'm SAD. Yes, seasonal affective disorder. I don't know if this is totally true, and I'm not really depressed or anything... like I said, just a... turd. It's common for me to not work out as much (or at all) in the winter; just a trend I've noticed. I haven't been cooking for myself too long, so no real trends to pick up on there. I've been sleepy, but I don't think I sleep as well at my new place for some reason, plus it's chilly in the morning, so I don't like leaving the covers.

What it really comes down to though is the dreariness. I miss the warmth of the sun and frolicking and frog licking outside. They say that in hardship is where ingenuity thrives... actually I just said that. But I think I've come up with a simple idea. Portable, wearable heat lamps. Light, warmth, and lamps make everyone happier. Look, I have visuals for you if you think it'll help...

This is a SAD ham. The dreariness of changing seasons has him in a funk. His body is tired and he hasn't seen a direct ray of sunlight in days.




This is a happy ham. The warm, life-giving rays of his heat lamp have invigorated every cell in his body and he is desiring to live each day to the fullest.

My logic and visuals prove my point exactly, and I dare you or anyone else to try to say otherwise. With this inventive accomplishment thought out, now we just need to get the mechanics worked out. There are certainly some questions and possible pitfalls...

#1. Fire
It's good to feel warm, but fire is a little overkill. Now don't get me wrong, when given the choice between mild depression and life-threatening burns, I'll choose the burns every time; however, I think if we work hard we can find solutions that will allow us warmth and a (fake) sunny day all the time, without the risk of 3rd degree burns and the subsequent infections from said burns. Maybe we'll attach water fountains to our heads that will keep a constant blanket of water flowing over our bodies to save us from this flaming danger.


#2. Skipping School
We all know that School In Summertime = No Class, but School In Wintertime should equal Class. If both Summertime and Wintertime = No Class, we'd be a lot stupider. The picture above shows exactly what would happen if heat lamps were plentiful enough that everyone had an industrial strength heat lamp in cold climates. They would be laying out in the snow working on their tan... ALL THE TIME!!!

Now, I know adults are more responsible, but I can't help think that several adults would also lose their jobs due to a lamp obsession, resulting in what I like to call Arrested Lampedevelopment.

And besides... look here buddy, you need a lamp on both sides, you're going to get some wicked frostbite.


#3. Doorways Not Tall Enough
If these gadgets are going to be portable, we're have to figure out how to let people of average height and taller walk through doorways without needing to duck. We could find a way to make a collapsible lamp, but that would mean it can't be on while in a collapsed state, unacceptable! We could put holes above every doorway to allow the lamp to pass through, but that's ridiculous. We could just raise all the doorways in the world, but that would be expensive. There's only one solution I can see...
Robots.
These robots will allow us mobility, without having height interference with our heat lamps. Now don't get me wrong, this is not necessarily the robot we will use, it's just an example. Ours will be much more awesome. We'll also paint it sky blue and have flowers on it to remind us of summer. Plus it'll shoot fireworks.


#4. Lamp Burn
Now, I realize this one looks a lot like what I mentioned in #1 (Fire), but it's really quite different. #1 was an issue of personal effects catching of fire, and thus setting your skin ablaze. What I'm talking about here is much more subtle, yet equally inconvenient.

When being exposed to heat lamp radiation throughout most or all of your day/life, you don't want to overdo it. There are simple fixes to this problem, such as sun screen or lowing the power to the bulb, but I hate sunscreen and I love sunshine, whether real or fake. But let's face it, sunburn does ruin a summer, so it is not acceptible in this world I'm creating.

The avenue of greatest potential with the lowest annoyance factor is genetic mutation. By watching every spider man episode ever, I think I've figured out how to make a lizardman, rhinoman, birdman, and an elephant man (but ironically, not a spiderman). None of these do me any good because none are impervious to excessively high amount of radiation. I hope that what I've learned will ultimately lead me to the invention of a cockroseman. It's basically a mixture of cockroach (for it's invulnerability to radiation), man (for his intellect and Nascar), and a rose (so that we will no longer need to eat, but gain all of our food from the rays of our heat lamp).


Well, I think I'm going to leave it at that. I'm afraid if I say any more you will get too excited start living the "lamp life" before all the kinks have been worked out. But I assure you, I'm on it.

SAD will no longer have a slight affect on my mood anymore!

LONG LIVE INNOVATION!