(Don't) Stop This Train

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I've decided I do want to reinstate my blogging expedition. It keeps me from taking life for granted, and almost puts me outside myself as a third-party observer who can remind myself when I need to stop and consider a happening or musing more greatly. I've been journaling a smidge (but not enough); however, I see the benefit of a public forum for some of this as well. And I feel as though I need to keep 'Big Brother' from feeling too left out.

Typically I would return with a triumphal reentry stating all of my recent conquests of life, and there are some, but I probably won't do too much of that now. I do feel like this will be a post that many (if many or any ever read this) will greatly relate to.

I have been listening to some John Mayer in my car recently, from time to time. There is a song that has always hit the nail on the head for me, even when I don't "feel it," I know it's just as true a desire. As the title would suggest, this song is Stop This Train.

I think the one word that strikes a chord of reverberation is that word "home." Home has such connotative weight that it can only be called divine in it's message. The universality of the impact found in such a simple uttering is amazing. When you say, "I just feel like I want to go home," and whoever around you knows you don't mean it literally... they know exactly what you mean.

You long for a comfort. One reminiscent of simple times, but not confined by any experience we've had. It's as if "home" is the recognition in our souls that there is a home of permanence that we have yet to savor, allowing only a taste to tease our tongue for the time being. Meanwhile, we set mental images and memories of times past as placeholders to reference the longing we feel. For me, at least previously, I would remember those twilight moments between sleep and wake, where your eyelids are sore under the burden of consciousness, your mind is in a limbo of calm, and you force yourself to be present at the line between two destinations. For me, this was usually found past my bedtime, laying on my mom's bed with the TV on, although no attention was being paid to it, prodding myself to stay awake with my eyes closed. I don't know why moments as these stick out in my mind, but they were total relaxation, free from care; just... being.

I don't feel this anymore. Life is too busy and full of worries to really relax by myself on such terms. No, I presently require distraction to find any peace, and scent of 'home.' A night of old friends whom I'm completely myself and comfortable around or the cradling of one cherished within my arms are the few places of refuge from concern. It saddens me how rarely I can be fully, blissfully distracted toward the real peace of Home by God's presence. I can be motivated by, instructed toward, and passionate for Home; but I rarely taste its peace, which I believe is the elixir my mouth is dry for.

Surely the house I am building to dwell in is one of dry rot. My sin and worry, rooted in my "maturing" and responsibilities has compromised the structural integrity of the Home I wish to discover. I no longer can picture it, I can merely remember picturing it in the past, when I was young and pure. Isn't it amazing the capacity of purity in youth. It is a pitcher that shrinks back with adulthood. Perhaps this is the very reason I wish to "stop this train." When you lose your direction, when you have no vision of where you are going, it's a much scarier ride.

I have gained head knowledge, and perhaps even faith, but it is in purity that we are able to see the beacon which steers us home. No matter how great my map is, there is always a sense of uncertainty and fear in reaching your destination when the fog of life pollutes your sight. Surely you may, and probably will, reach said destination if you are steady, brave, and persevering; but oh what a strain it is to seek without eyes of purity, and what risk of abandoning your quest without assurance.

It's always going to feel like life is going a bit too fast for us. We're rarely going to feel confident with our ability to cope, adapt, and continue. So often we're going to feel like we're running on our heals instead of our toes; this awkward progression forth while leaning back the entire time leaves us feeling as though we could fall on our face at any moment... and knowing ourselves... probably will. We will always seek the peace and comfort of "home," and we will always be perplexed by what that even means. "Life" will distract us from our underlying insecurity "'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark." We are minuscule, finite human beings, who are made to believe that they ought to have everything figured out. It's a tall order, and an intimidating odyssey. Understanding where the dwelling of Peace lies, and being able to see Him with your own eyes of purity (even if just glimmers at a time) will keep you confident in the course your map has plotted. It is then that you can state confidently and in expectancy, "Don't stop this train, it's leading me HOME!"

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God."

- Matthew 5:8

The End

Sometimes you need to get to the end of yourself before you can let go of the staleness and hold on to the fresh.

I sensed a hope yesterday morning on my way to church. I felt like I was fed up with myself and believed I would really meet God for the first time in longer than I would like to believe. I've been distant from God in a relational way lately. I follow him and love him, but like a friend can be distant or less transparent at times, I was that with God.

The first song struck me, and spoke to where I was.

What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You
As the heavens hold the skies
It's your hand that holds my life
And your love will lead me on
When all else is gone

I felt like I had nothing. I felt like no matter how much I try it's not enough to satisfy people, satisfy the world. And I did weep, but found a fullness in letting it go. What is the hope I'm holding onto? Is it these things, or is it Jesus. I'm so glad to see my weakness and my inability, because then I can own it. And only when I realize my weakness can I realize His strength.

Later another song played which was also very penetrating.

Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done
Is there a pardon for sinners, I know I'm one
Before you
Before you

Would you take this heart of foulness, make it clean again
Would you pour on me your mercy, as I confess my sin
Before you
Before you

Point my feet in the way they should go
Place your holy spirit on me
Lead me in the ways everlasting
I long to have a heart that's pure
I need to have a heart that's pure
Before you
Before you

Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy
Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy

The words "before you" wrapped themselves around my thoughts. I saw the throne and I saw myself, and felt like I had screwed up so much. "Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done? Is there a pardon for sinners, I know that I'm one." I sincerely knew I was one right then. Sometimes I say I'm a sinner, but I don't believe it.

I can't remember the last time a tear dripped from my eye, but as I knelt there between my chairs with my head on the ground I could feel the tears dripping from my eyelashes to my hands. Surrender. I felt cleansed. I felt loved and forgiven. The word "Mercy" captured my soul. I knelt and wept in awe of Mercy.

It was a great Sunday to be in church. I saw video of a missions trip to China where they were illegally having church gatherings and giving out CD's of testimonies. It's so much more real when your friends are in the video, when the person sitting a few rows in front of you was there. It's not some distant thing. This person was in this video of the Chinese police catching up with these Christians after searching for them for 2 days. It was their passports and resources the police took away from these violators.

It was also great to hear accounts of miracles. The kind that Americans forget about because we never see them. People being healed of sickness and broken bones by prayer. Stories of dreams that lead Christians to villages, and dreams that have the people knowing that they were coming that very day. Statistics that show Christianity is growing by about 10,000 people a day in China, and that by 2050 about half the world will be Christian. And yet sadly, they also say that by 2050 in the Western world 4 in 5 "white" people will not believe in the Bible.

I feel ready for Easter. I want to celebrate this truth, and anyone reading this who is not living their faith as they should, reconsider. I have eye-witness accounts of things that you would think are fairy tales.

A great follow-up to church was our volunteering day with Light of Life ministries. My Campus Life group and a bunch of students from the musical went to the North Side to throw an Easter party for the kids there. It was great to get to know some of their little personalities. We did a skit, an Easter egg hunt, egg dying, a song, and just played with kids. One little baby got slobbery chocolate chip cookie on my pants, but he was really cute, so I let it slide.

There's something special about being around those less-fortunate kids. It brings joy to my heart, and it's awesome to see their smiles and random dances. They just want to play and be loved.

If everyone loved like Jesus, what kind of world would this be?

The Going On's Of Steve's Life

I think my life is starting to pick up, in that it's becoming a bit more interesting, and in some ways a bit more meaningful. I'll just list some stuff going on in the past week or two.

Last week I picked up my friend Raymond, who has been without a job for a while, and whom I met asking for money on the street several months ago. We were going to put in a few applications online for a couple jobs he was interested in. It ended up we didn't because he didn't have a resume with him, but even so, it was great to see him getting serious about finding a job. He's getting tired of being without. The cold weather is probably making him realize how low things are for him, when he's asking for money in five degree weather. I also visited his room last week and felt kind of bad for his living conditions. But he's getting more determined to make things work.

It was funny though... I took him to Kings to get some food. I think the lady there thought he was retarded or something because he was asking to get a waffle instead of pancakes and wasn't conveying it well, so I spoke for him. And I just got the sneaking suspicion that she believed I was someone "watching" him or something to that extent. It reminded me of the episode of The Office where the new H.R. lady, Holly, thinks Kevin is retarded.

But overall I'm feeling much better about our relationship. I feel less like Raymond is using me and more like we're friends. Even the other day I noticed something different. Usually Raymond ends our calls by saying, "Ok, get on." It's like his trademark sign-off or something. But the other day he ended it with "love ya bro." I didn't even catch it until after I hung up. But it's encouraging to see things progress and close bonds form. And lately he has expressed how appreciative he is of how I help him.

I also had a not so great run-in recently. I've been looking to buy an iPod lately. But since I don't have much money, and I am always looking for a deal anyway, I have been searching Craigslist. There have been a few nice deals that I missed, but I saw a post for someone selling a 32Gig iPod Touch for $235, which is almost half off the $400+ price for the same thing on Apple's website. Since it had just been posted 45 minute prior, I felt I had a good chance of getting it. I texted and e-mailed the guy. We planned to meet at his work, where I could buy it, since I had to leave for a retreat at 5:30.

I got to the Oxford Center, where he works as a chef, and waited for his wife to drop off the iPods (he had two). I opened the box and pulled out the player. It seemed a little small... but it did say iPod on the back. Something was wrong. While waiting, prior to the "iPod's" arrival, I hung out at the Mac Outfitters in the same building; so we headed over there for me to compare. It was fake, but a nice try at a counterfeit. It had a camera, which the touch doesn't have. I didn't have the proprietary iPod input on the bottom. And it was a bit smaller than the real deal.

The whole time this guy was pretending like it was news to him, that this fake iPod, coming out of a real iPod box was not legit. So I left, saying pretty much nothing. When I got home I wrote him an e-mail telling him what he was doing was wrong. I told him that he cheated me out of time and gas because of a lie. He responded with two e-mails full of vulgarity. It was a bummer thing. I wonder if he has tricked anyone with his little scam.

There are two morals of the story. #1. Don't try to trick Steve when it comes to electronics... I'm onto you! #2. Let Steve know if you know anyone selling an iPod for cheap.


I was at a retreat this past weekend. It was the YFC Student Leaders retreat for Pittsburgh. It's a neat time because the kids are pretty much all serious about their walk with God. It's a low-key weekend where we can all just bond without too much work to do.

I was a little bummed that none of my kids came, even though one was supposed to be there; but oh well. I've gotten to know students from other clubs quite well from trips like this one, so I still felt like I had a place. I also was the leader of our small group discussion time. Even though my boss Chris, the Executive Director of our chapter, was in the group, he still let me lead it. I really do enjoy leading discussion groups... especially ones like this where we're all being honest. It's a time where I'm a leader in a way, but I'm also just a member. We aren't hiding ourselves, we're real about the struggles and sins in our lives, and there's something freeing about that. There are also words of wisdom, words of truth, and words of love. But I think most of all it really helps to feel like you're in a family where you're not alone in your sin and hardships.

It's been neat as I dive a little deeper into theology. I find myself filling in the gaps of discussions, where the truth is missing. Those places where emotion fluff over what the Bible says. And when you bring up a Biblical point (even if you're not referencing the Bible with it) it opens things up to an "oh yeah" sensation. And I feel students are starting to know me as a guy who asks hard questions and jumps up on a soapbox from time to time (I did both in our group). Both are good things, I believe, and I hope that things I say resonate with them. I desire to plant seeds or truth and love in the hearts and minds of both the students and the leaders. I hope I can be challenging and an example of love to those around me, and I desire for those around me to repay the favor by challenging and loving me.

With all my words and thoughts, I did feel reminded by the students of Jesus. The supernatural truth that he IS and that he WORKS. I get into the mindset where I believe Jesus gave us the answers the help us in our problems, and I forget that Jesus is the answer. That calling on him and asking of him the right things will result in him granting to us that which the Spirit has spoken to our hearts.

On a similar note, I've been reading some of the writings of the early church fathers. I think Mike is leading me on a path to reading all of them in a row. So far I've read St. Clement of Rome and St. Mathetes. Very interesting and inspiring letters. I hope to keep getting perspective so that I can answer hard questions.

Beyond that, there is a very interesting story from the past weekend, but I believe I will post that on Pragmatically Charged in the near future. So look out for it! Maybe even in a few minutes.

A Good Day

Today was really quite a good day all around.

I woke up and went to church with my cousin Tierney.  The service was good, I felt connected with the sermon, and looking out at the church I saw the church truly being the church.  We all laid hands on and prayed for Scott for several minutes, who is having a return of some cancer lumps.  I watched some members of the church go around to one another with love and sometimes tears in their eyes to give a loving and encouraging word (without any coaxing by the pastor either).  And I saw one of the women lovingly compliment my cousin on the beauty that radiates from her and then anoint her with oil.  It was encouraging.

Then right after church, the pastor's grandson, one of the former Campus Life kids I worked with, took a look at my car.  He's a mechanic now, and he's going to give me a good price on fixing up some problems with my car so I can pass inspection!  It's times like that where it's especially good to have friends.

It was a good day.

I came home and did some preparation for a dish I was cooking for later that night.  After some prep work I gathered the rest of my ingredients etc. and headed to Kristin's for our youth group crew reunion.

Kristin was in a bad mood when I got there, and very pessimistic believing no one would show up.  But we hung out and I started cooking some more there.  Jeana and Dave showed up shortly after.  Jeana told Kristin she was pregnant, and Kristin didn't believe her insisting that she was really just getting fat.  Kristin displayed her tummy exclaiming that she also could be with child.  I think it wasn't until Kristin actually felt the difference in poking a belly with a baby and one without, that she believed.  And that began the talk of the night.  Jeana and her pregnancy/baby.  Kristin's duty in life was now to be the deliverer... not of the baby... but of the news of the baby.  Everyone that walked through the door, Anthony, Kelly, Dave, Jesse, Kelsey, Emma, Jonathan, Stacie, and even Jeana's brother Ben, were immediately informed of the baby, regardless of whether or not they already knew.

So that was fun.

It was great sitting around joking and catching up.  Jonathan and Stacie's son Joshua is two years old today, and he granted us some entertainment by playing close-range football.  I finished up my dish (stuffed zucchini) and chatted with Kristin's roommate some more in the kitchen.  She was really nice and for whatever reason I felt pretty confident about myself.  We actually had decent conversation for it being pretty brief.  There wasn't any flirting or anything (so don't go there Kristin), but it was part of the ongoing theme of the day where I felt comfortable and confident in myself.

It was a good day.

The group began to split.  Some were going to eat, and others were just going.  I was just going, since I had a Christmas/New Years party with Youth For Christ to go to.  I stopped home to throw my food in the oven a bit longer and pick up the gift for the gift exchange, which I forgot earlier.  Then I headed to the coffee shop for the party.  I just kind of hung somewhat by myself for a bit at first, as there weren't too many there who I was close with.  As some of the friends I knew better showed up, I gravitated toward them.

There is some real love in the people of YFC.  I love the relationships I'm forming there.  I felt cool just being myself.  I never felt like anyone was judging me, and I wasn't judging them.  We ate, we talked, we exchanged gifts.  I bought those dryer balls, to use instead of dryer sheets.  My one co-worker Dave and his wife got that, and insisted on knowing who gave that gift.  They liked it and also joked about it, so it was sweet.  I got these picture ornaments that smell like a Catholic church... all incense-like.  We joked about what a weird gift it was, from the girl that brought the gift.  Her grandmother gave it to her for her birthday, and she regifted since it's so ridiculous.  We had fun.  I felt natural and interesting and confident and just... on.

It was a good day.

Love makes a big difference.  So often I'm in situations that reek more of criticism or judgement than of love and compassion.  I am thrilled when I am surrounded by those who are so focused on the good time set before them, that they are way too busy to be petty.  I think that's something very Christian.  If we are really excited and devoted to this life we are being granted, we will be so excited to live it out and to love it out that the petty stuff won't even be noticed.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a utopia.  Hugs and encouraging words flow plentifully.  Other times I feel like I'm in hell, where I don't rate and I can't compare to anyone.  It's so much nicer when nobody is even comparing anyway.

Today I felt like a person and not a clump of attributes.  I felt attractive all around.  I didn't worry about things I normally worry about.  I'm not sure I even heard a negative word directed toward me.  It's good to be loved.

It was a good day.

Help make tomorrow a good day for yourself and for those around you.

Splitting Hairs

I'm getting somewhat annoyed and frustrated this holiday season.

My mother asked me to cut my hair for her Christmas present. I know that she asks for this in a way that is wanting what is best for me, but I also know she doesn't spend hours pondering the pros and cons of manufacturing your appearance. Regardless, I figured at this point it would be a better move to cut it for the sake of her feeling good, than for her to resent and nag me the entire holiday season.

After cutting my hair there is an influx of compliments. "Looking hott," "You look so much better now," "Finally!" "You looked like a little boy with long hair, now you look like a man," "You truly do look great with that haircut." I even felt like my roommate was hitting on me, and wished I had a lock on my door that night. Compliments are supposed to make you feel good about yourself, but these "compliments" are making me feel lousy. It's so discouraging when I want to have a positive impact on people in the ways that matter, yet everyone is so hung up on my appearance. It makes me feel like they're trying to induct me into The Beautiful People's Club.

Especially in context of properly teaching teenagers, I've thought about the implications of compliments on physical attributes. They surely can encourage self-esteem. They can also encourage self-absorbtion, disorders focused on maintaining "beauty" at any cost, and imbalanced self-worth. And of couse, gazing down the road, looks don't usually last a lifetime. When a person builds their self-worth upon something as flimsy as appearance, what do they do when it all comes crashing down; either at once by some sort of accident, or gradually with age.

The public is never satisfied either. Now that my hair is cut, they focus on the next issue at hand. "When are you going to cut that thing off?!? (in reference to my beardish thing)" Once I cut that off, they'll probably want me to start going for some sort of skin treatments at my uncle's Skin Center. And as I continue to do what they want, they will compliment me and encourage me to commit further and further to their Beautiful People's Club. But I'll never be free from ridicule. I believe that those who care about such things, and give you a discouraging encouragement (e.g. you weren't good enough before, but now that you're more like us you're better) are the same people who talk behind your back, or silently dwell on what they find superficially negative about you.

I don't want to be like that, yet I'm surrounded by it. I want to save others from this disease of being o verly critical of things that don't matter whatsoever (amazingly these same people tend to not be the ones who emerse themself deep in thought on the most important issues, but adopt shallow, common views). If not for their own sake, for mine. I'm more superficial than I'd like to be, and I know that it is caused and perpetuated by this rooted issue.

I'm not opposed to looking good, or looking how you want. I'm not opposed to being attractive. But why do I need to be physically appealing to my mother? My friends? Strangers? Shouldn't I focus on being attractive to them in personality, deeds, and love? Except for that "special someone" I don't think physical attractiveness should play the role it currently does in society. And even that special someone should be far more attracted to the person than the look, because, once again, it could go away at any time. Then where would you be?

Fasting

16"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 17But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, 18so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.

Treasures in Heaven

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

- Matthew 6:16-21

Don't go out and make yourself look horrible because of this. But a smile and a great attitude would be a better disguise than hair gel and makeup. This is most certainly a fast... a fast from physical obsession. But if you can gain joy and peace and an attitude to go out and love who God has made you to be, how will it look like a fast to everyone else? They're going to want what you've got. Don't be convicted out of guilt, be convicted with a heart that desires life.

Go after the things that don't rust and wither. Value and pursue things that matter, for where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.

And regardless of whether you want to give an ear to living the way I suggest, at least consider how you compliment someone. Does it enliven the real or does it boost the superficial? Is this an uplifting encouragement or is it a discouraging encouragement?

Alright, I'm off to go play Pretty Pretty Princess.

Let's Cheer For Christmas Cheer

The last several Christmasses... Christmas's... Christmasi... San Diegans have felt off. It was like I didn't even sense Christmas coming (despite the radio stations playing Christmas music mid November), and then before I knew it, everything was over. Then I was left longing for something that didn't even seem to happen. In fact probably my favorite part of the holiday last year was taking some ridiculous pictures in the front lawn (displayed below).

I think they really captured what Christmas is really about now... Blasphemy! Jesus and the American flag... Lacey as the Virgin Mary, me replacing Jesus... flirting with the Mother Mary, and Jesus with a giant TV remote.

This Christmas feels better. I have some Christmas cheer that is appropriate to what the holiday is really about. I'm actually glad Christmas music is on the radio, and I have even been playing some on my computer (Sufjan Stevens currently). I am experiencing a certain amount of joy about it all. Perhaps my family is becoming a little closer than it has been in years past and that has something to do with it. But I think I just have a more balanced attitude this season. I'm encouraged for those who are standing up for what is right this season, and I feel like I am in some way a part of that.

Maybe I feel a little bit of the generous spirit of the holidays warming my heart because I've been actively trying to live generously in my life (holiday or not). Over the last several months I have engaged with individuals who have needs, and I've sacrificed to help meet those needs. Christmas often feels like a time of obligatory giving, and that's the problem... I feel obligated to give so that I can convince myself I am not selfish or something. But I'm content with the lifestyle I am moving towards. I don't feel bad about giving less to people who don't need, when I know I am using those resources to give to those who have very little; whether in my own community or in impoverished countries.

I'm not saying all of this to toot my own horn. If you feel I am being self-absorbed and self-congratulatory, we can sit down and chat, and I will lay out the reasons why I am a bad person. I am instead offering something I am learning and I am experiencing. I am sincerely enjoying the holidays, which I haven't this much in a long time.

I'm coming out of a time of feeling isolated in myself, not relying on God, and actively ignoring the spiritual, educational, and relational things I knew I should be doing. I was frustrated with myself. It's the ultimate insult to your creator when he blesses you with abilities, calls you to utilize them, and although you know you should... you just don't want to, and run away instead. It's the kind of situation that makes you fish food.

But things are better now, and I need to make up for my recent laziness. I want to be an example. I don't want to compromise, but I still want to be loving. My wish this holiday is to be a blessing and to allow others to bless me. There are times I am so welled up with love for people I wouldn't really expect to feel that way about. As per a previous post, I think I need to make an effort to let my love out, rather than stifling it, and allowing it to mellow.

Holidays aren't an allowance to act a certain way once a year... they're a reminder to act a certain way all year. Your friends and family love you and you love them. The important thing in life is that Jesus came and died for us, what else can bring us down? Peace is here, why fret the rest of the year? Salvation has come in certainty, live in that instead of the ambiguity of life! Remember all you have. Don't compare what you have to what everyone else has, live in the generosity Jesus endorses.

The Lord has come and is, celebrate!