(Don't) Stop This Train

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I've decided I do want to reinstate my blogging expedition. It keeps me from taking life for granted, and almost puts me outside myself as a third-party observer who can remind myself when I need to stop and consider a happening or musing more greatly. I've been journaling a smidge (but not enough); however, I see the benefit of a public forum for some of this as well. And I feel as though I need to keep 'Big Brother' from feeling too left out.

Typically I would return with a triumphal reentry stating all of my recent conquests of life, and there are some, but I probably won't do too much of that now. I do feel like this will be a post that many (if many or any ever read this) will greatly relate to.

I have been listening to some John Mayer in my car recently, from time to time. There is a song that has always hit the nail on the head for me, even when I don't "feel it," I know it's just as true a desire. As the title would suggest, this song is Stop This Train.

I think the one word that strikes a chord of reverberation is that word "home." Home has such connotative weight that it can only be called divine in it's message. The universality of the impact found in such a simple uttering is amazing. When you say, "I just feel like I want to go home," and whoever around you knows you don't mean it literally... they know exactly what you mean.

You long for a comfort. One reminiscent of simple times, but not confined by any experience we've had. It's as if "home" is the recognition in our souls that there is a home of permanence that we have yet to savor, allowing only a taste to tease our tongue for the time being. Meanwhile, we set mental images and memories of times past as placeholders to reference the longing we feel. For me, at least previously, I would remember those twilight moments between sleep and wake, where your eyelids are sore under the burden of consciousness, your mind is in a limbo of calm, and you force yourself to be present at the line between two destinations. For me, this was usually found past my bedtime, laying on my mom's bed with the TV on, although no attention was being paid to it, prodding myself to stay awake with my eyes closed. I don't know why moments as these stick out in my mind, but they were total relaxation, free from care; just... being.

I don't feel this anymore. Life is too busy and full of worries to really relax by myself on such terms. No, I presently require distraction to find any peace, and scent of 'home.' A night of old friends whom I'm completely myself and comfortable around or the cradling of one cherished within my arms are the few places of refuge from concern. It saddens me how rarely I can be fully, blissfully distracted toward the real peace of Home by God's presence. I can be motivated by, instructed toward, and passionate for Home; but I rarely taste its peace, which I believe is the elixir my mouth is dry for.

Surely the house I am building to dwell in is one of dry rot. My sin and worry, rooted in my "maturing" and responsibilities has compromised the structural integrity of the Home I wish to discover. I no longer can picture it, I can merely remember picturing it in the past, when I was young and pure. Isn't it amazing the capacity of purity in youth. It is a pitcher that shrinks back with adulthood. Perhaps this is the very reason I wish to "stop this train." When you lose your direction, when you have no vision of where you are going, it's a much scarier ride.

I have gained head knowledge, and perhaps even faith, but it is in purity that we are able to see the beacon which steers us home. No matter how great my map is, there is always a sense of uncertainty and fear in reaching your destination when the fog of life pollutes your sight. Surely you may, and probably will, reach said destination if you are steady, brave, and persevering; but oh what a strain it is to seek without eyes of purity, and what risk of abandoning your quest without assurance.

It's always going to feel like life is going a bit too fast for us. We're rarely going to feel confident with our ability to cope, adapt, and continue. So often we're going to feel like we're running on our heals instead of our toes; this awkward progression forth while leaning back the entire time leaves us feeling as though we could fall on our face at any moment... and knowing ourselves... probably will. We will always seek the peace and comfort of "home," and we will always be perplexed by what that even means. "Life" will distract us from our underlying insecurity "'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark." We are minuscule, finite human beings, who are made to believe that they ought to have everything figured out. It's a tall order, and an intimidating odyssey. Understanding where the dwelling of Peace lies, and being able to see Him with your own eyes of purity (even if just glimmers at a time) will keep you confident in the course your map has plotted. It is then that you can state confidently and in expectancy, "Don't stop this train, it's leading me HOME!"

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God."

- Matthew 5:8

Movie Star

I've been working a ton lately, trying to get all my projects finished and duplicated for various clients. It was so bad that I typically would go to bed at 12 or 1AM and have to wake up at 4 to continue working for the next 18+ hours. I was really starting to lose it.

But last week I finished some of the more pressing videos, and after nearly 6 days of barely stepping foot outside of my room, I needed some interaction. I called up Kristin and told her I required somewhere social to unwind; out 'n about. I went and picked her up, and she got all made up, like we were going somewhere nice... meanwhile I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt, looking like poo from lack of sleep and negligence of hygiene. But we ventured off.

We stopped at Kristin's old Oakland pad, Ophelia St, to recruit other party people. We chatted it up with her old roommate Alyssa for a bit and then headed off to Hemmingway's with no additional members. I got some food, and then Kristin and I had a few drinks, not something I do very often. It was really a lot of fun, me and sis chillin' in da bar. I got a call while I was there from my friend Jess. She was being an extra for the movie Warrior, starring Nick Nolte. Extras had to be there at 3:30PM, and at this point it was almost 11PM. Yet, she told me they were most likely still looking for people. So I took Kristin home, stopped at my place to pick up three changes of clothes and some snackage to bring for the ride. The shoot was at the Twin Highway Drive-In, a nostalgic remembrance from my childhood.

When I arrived there was a crane there holding this large UFO looking light contraption, since it was dark they needed a ton of light. Pretty neat. I found my way to talk to the lady in charge of extras. She made me wait for wardrobe. So I waited, and waited, and waited... for over an hour. Then finally she tells me to go out to get my car for another scene, and this one guy would come find me. I sat in my car for what I think was an hour and a half or two, but it was hard to keep track because I was dozing. It's about 2:30AM by the time the parking lot scene (which I wasn't a part of) is over and I follow all those extras back into the main shooting area. Finally I become part of the shoot, and I find my friend Jess.

It really wasn't all that glamorous. I would walk through shots. I would watch the fight they showed on the screen and react with cheers or boo's, and of course the ever popular chant "MIS-TER-C, MIS-TER-C!" It's hard to be energetic at 5AM. But Jess and I met two girls there, who were pretty cool. We'd joke about things, and what was offered at the fake snack bar. I also saw the dad from Transformers eating at the food table; so star struck! (not really) Shooting ended at about 6AM, when the sun was coming up.

Now this is a paid gig. I think it pays a little over $7/hr, and overtime is around $10/hr. I was there for 6 hours, but the lady was nice and marked me as getting there at 2:30PM instead of 11:40PM. So I got 15 1/2 hours of paid extra work! NICE. Even though I had been working since 4:30 the previous morning, it was still a cool experience.

In other news, I am now the proud owner of a djembe. I decided I wanted to start playing it, since I know some others who do, and they look pretty awesome drumming. Found one on Craigslist for $140, about $80 off retail. It's in new condition, I think the tag was still on it. Plays awesome! And I just bought a harness for it, so I can walk around playing. It's really a lot of fun, I'll find myself jamming out to some tunes (especially Rusted Root) for hours easy. So just when you thought you had Steve firmly positioned on your felt board of awesomeness, you realize he must be cranked up several more levels, which then makes you realize, "I need a taller felt board."

On a more inward look of life, I need to make some changes. I need to prioritize what NEEDS to be a regular activities in my life, non-negotiable. I've lost Sabbath for months now. I need to break and relax in God. I need to be in his Word more frequently than life has 'allowed' me. I haven't been reading or studying. I enjoy life so much more when I can relax and strive for what I feel is the most important, God, knowledge, and relationships. Just another reason I shouldn't be blogging right now.

Perplexed

I am so totally confused how I am two different men.

I am he who does right, and he who does very wrong.

I am the one everyone considers very selfless and charitable, yet I seek my own good above all else.

I am the most caring, compassionate back-stabber you will ever meet.

In the same day I bring upon one undeserved turmoil and frustration and on others I bring intimacy, openness, relationship, and peace.

Do I walk in the one Will, or am I split between two paths simultaneously?

All I know is that I seem to matter most.

I Love You

When I think or the words "I love you," one of the first things that come to mind is the scenario when a man tells a woman that he loves her, and she says nothing in return. I saw a comedian fairly recently who had come up with pre-thought-out responses in certain scenarios. He used this one as an example, where he immediately replies (after her lack of "I love you" response) that he is in a secret government organization and used the code phrase "I love you" to see if she was also in that organization. He then tells her that he will be leaving tomorrow on a mission and will never see her again. It's pretty funny if you watch it, but I can't find the clip.

Way too often we trivialize the words "I love you" to be just a nicity. We lose all meaning, all sincerity, all passion in those words, be it romantic or platonic. It becomes a catchphrase of sorts. And I am guilty of this. I am rarely the one to say "I love you" to someone I love... if anything I am the guy who responds "love you too," as I walk out the door or hang up the phone. I don't think I'm usually very convincing, and it's rarely very heart-felt.

It's not that I don't love him/her/them. Because I probably love very intensely. I tend to want to show my love in action/caring/correcting/prayer, rather than in direct verbal acknowledgement. But there is something powerful about those three words when they are said and meant.

There are friends of mine that I love deeply. They live on opposite sides of life. Some are in good places, some in bad. Some I go to for advice, some come to me. To some I see myself as a caretaker of, others mend my wounds often. And with nearly all of them, the words "I love you" are rarely spoken. So when they are, it has weight to it. When those words are said, it's a game changer. I suddenly now feel worthwhile. When I doubt how desired or important I am to someone in our relationship, those words motivate me to continue. They encourage me, knowing that I truly am loved, and am therefore lovable.

"I love you" reminds me that I significant to the one who spoke them, so I have some type of grip on their life. The words I say have meaning to them because they love me, and most-likely love me because they know I love them. It's a reminder that I shouldn't give-up in my attempts to help them through phases/seasons/trials, because I love them, and apparently they love me too.

It's a blessing to hear those words from someone whom I deeply respect. Someone whom I love for good reason, but don't necessarily expect to be loved back to the same extent. It's an honor to be loved by anyone, but for whatever reason, with some it carries greater weight. Perhaps it can be the busyness of life that paints the setting for some of the most important "I love you's." When someone who is busy, popular, talented, etc. clears away their life for at least a few moments to meaningfully say "I love you" and to take time to care for and appreciate who you are, it's building life.

Those around me know I love them (I think). But I want to say it. I want to initiate it. I want to feel it. Perhaps I should put a ban on feigned "I love you's" in my life. I guess it would make me seem rude, so I probably won't, but perhaps it would just inspire me to mean it more.

Consider those you truly love and who truly love you. Make a point to say I love you if you feel it. Don't hold back due to social awkwardness or fear of an ingenuine response. Let your love be known, because the other person probably really needs to hear it, and maybe you just really need to say it.

Love

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

- Romans 12:9-10

And don't forget to tell God you love Him too.

The End

Sometimes you need to get to the end of yourself before you can let go of the staleness and hold on to the fresh.

I sensed a hope yesterday morning on my way to church. I felt like I was fed up with myself and believed I would really meet God for the first time in longer than I would like to believe. I've been distant from God in a relational way lately. I follow him and love him, but like a friend can be distant or less transparent at times, I was that with God.

The first song struck me, and spoke to where I was.

What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You
As the heavens hold the skies
It's your hand that holds my life
And your love will lead me on
When all else is gone

I felt like I had nothing. I felt like no matter how much I try it's not enough to satisfy people, satisfy the world. And I did weep, but found a fullness in letting it go. What is the hope I'm holding onto? Is it these things, or is it Jesus. I'm so glad to see my weakness and my inability, because then I can own it. And only when I realize my weakness can I realize His strength.

Later another song played which was also very penetrating.

Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done
Is there a pardon for sinners, I know I'm one
Before you
Before you

Would you take this heart of foulness, make it clean again
Would you pour on me your mercy, as I confess my sin
Before you
Before you

Point my feet in the way they should go
Place your holy spirit on me
Lead me in the ways everlasting
I long to have a heart that's pure
I need to have a heart that's pure
Before you
Before you

Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy
Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy

The words "before you" wrapped themselves around my thoughts. I saw the throne and I saw myself, and felt like I had screwed up so much. "Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done? Is there a pardon for sinners, I know that I'm one." I sincerely knew I was one right then. Sometimes I say I'm a sinner, but I don't believe it.

I can't remember the last time a tear dripped from my eye, but as I knelt there between my chairs with my head on the ground I could feel the tears dripping from my eyelashes to my hands. Surrender. I felt cleansed. I felt loved and forgiven. The word "Mercy" captured my soul. I knelt and wept in awe of Mercy.

It was a great Sunday to be in church. I saw video of a missions trip to China where they were illegally having church gatherings and giving out CD's of testimonies. It's so much more real when your friends are in the video, when the person sitting a few rows in front of you was there. It's not some distant thing. This person was in this video of the Chinese police catching up with these Christians after searching for them for 2 days. It was their passports and resources the police took away from these violators.

It was also great to hear accounts of miracles. The kind that Americans forget about because we never see them. People being healed of sickness and broken bones by prayer. Stories of dreams that lead Christians to villages, and dreams that have the people knowing that they were coming that very day. Statistics that show Christianity is growing by about 10,000 people a day in China, and that by 2050 about half the world will be Christian. And yet sadly, they also say that by 2050 in the Western world 4 in 5 "white" people will not believe in the Bible.

I feel ready for Easter. I want to celebrate this truth, and anyone reading this who is not living their faith as they should, reconsider. I have eye-witness accounts of things that you would think are fairy tales.

A great follow-up to church was our volunteering day with Light of Life ministries. My Campus Life group and a bunch of students from the musical went to the North Side to throw an Easter party for the kids there. It was great to get to know some of their little personalities. We did a skit, an Easter egg hunt, egg dying, a song, and just played with kids. One little baby got slobbery chocolate chip cookie on my pants, but he was really cute, so I let it slide.

There's something special about being around those less-fortunate kids. It brings joy to my heart, and it's awesome to see their smiles and random dances. They just want to play and be loved.

If everyone loved like Jesus, what kind of world would this be?

I Wish

There are so many times when an intense lack of satisfaction detonates in my soul and ripples through my emotions.

I find myself in a depressed state of "I wish" because I certainly am not good enough how I am.

I do my best to hide such things, as an ultimate toast to Christian hypocrisy... "I'm perfectly happy and whole in every way."

I wish I were more daring.
I wish I were more attractive.
I wish I were more poetic.
I wish I were more relaxed.
I wish I was the guy people called up to be with.
I wish I had that "someone."
I wish I were taller.
I wish I fit in.
I wish I could see myself as an adult.
I wish I believed I could be the person everyone wants me to be... if I even wanted to.

I wish I displayed more confidence (ironic, huh?).

So often I feel lost, worthless, or forgotten and then I chalk it up to one or more "I wish I were's." Surely these are the reasons I am feeling low, lost, without, depressed.

I am an encouragement junky. It's amazing I've become so addicted to it without tasting much. Maybe it's the wrong metaphor. Perhaps I'm just a soul laden with the disease of low self-esteem, craving a medicine from the viral bombardment of society and the apparent "reality".

What I really wish is that I could have the best attributes of everyone perfected and condensed into my very core. It's selfish and unrealistic. And it's not at all the answer.

The answer is contentment. The answer is a dose of Reality; of Truth. The answer is knowing who God made me. The answer is finding those who will value me as God made me.

Unfortunately I often feel as though this number is few.

I've lately avoided posts expressing my downers in this fashion, but maybe the new Steve is going to be open about things that I've kept more secret lately, or at least presented in a less raw way.

Steve Love... Steve Hate

Does anybody else ever get to points in their lives where they realize it's time to take inventory. You just aren't quite who you want to be or your life isn't quite what you thought it would be. Then you ask yourself, "what needs to stay and what needs to go?"

I'm having one of those now I think, which is typical every year or two. So I'm going to work at reinventing myself in some ways. I'm not totally sure what that even means, but it seems right. I feel a little like George Costanza when he realizes doing everything opposite of his normal inclinations gives drastic, and great, results.

I definitely want to start putting myself out there more. Meeting new people, doing new things. Do the things I'm often too timid or scared to do or say. Parts of my life are definitely progressing very well and I'm pleased with what God has placed before me, but there are other areas that need some change.

Change and reinvention sometimes require not progress, but regression. Such as, the ever popular Steve love, Steve hate lists. I was hanging out with Kristin last night, and these came up at some point, and I was glad to reminisce.

So without further adieu, a sampling:

• Steve love vegetables
• Steve love puppies
• Steve love the gym
• Steve love cute girls
• Steve love Redbox
• Steve love "spring forward"
• Steve love his semi-new Mac laptop
• Steve love small business
• Steve love Rojo-Tron

• Steve hate paying for car inspections
• Steve hate bleu cheese
• Steve hate that he is watching American Idol this season
• Steve hate wrinkled clothes
• Steve hate when Redboxes don't work
• Steve hate doing dishes
• Steve hate stimulus package
• Steve hate Twitter

Although Steve hate Twitter, Steve think that the "Steve hate/love" idea would be a much better rendition of Twitter.

Last night, as I was at Kristin's, which has been a more regular event lately, and we decided to play The Office board game. I went to my car to get it, and found the Legos from Campus Life a few days earlier. I was excited and brought in a container of legos. As I played with my childhood building blocks, nobody joined me :( But Kristin told me I should build Rojo-Tron.

Rojo-Tron started about a week earlier when a group of peeps were playing Settlers of Catan at Kristin's (it's a popular place). I have this habit of taking my unused pieces from the game, and creating characters or faces or whatever out of them. This particular night I was the red player, so all my pieces were red. I formed a robot looking figure out of my unused road, settlement, and city blocks. In my witty fashion, I named with robot "Rojo-Tron," a play on Robotron, substituting the Spanish word for red, "rojo." You think I'm dumb, but it was fun then.

So I spent the evening creating a mostly red rendition of Rojo-Tron out of legos. It was fun. He now lives at Kristin's house, so maybe she'll take a picture and send it to me so I can upload it to my blog. The best part of Rojo-Tron is that he carries a briefcase and aspires to be a ballerina.

Another eventful moment from last night was an incredible "That's what she said!" I feel that I cannot repeat it because it is kind of bad, but was innocent in its original context... until Kristin said, "That's what she said." And we were grossed out and filled with laughter.

So on that note, I want to let all my readers know, if you aren't being an active part of my life right now, you should be. I'm pretty freakin' awesome and I create sweet inside jokes, like "Special Bill." I bet most of you have no idea what I'm talking about. Yeah that's right, you wish you knew!

Yeah, I farted, jealous?

Ok, I'm just being weird now.

Forgive me. Farewell.

2009 Predictions

:::I started this post on January 2nd, but just remembered it and finished it up.  Less guesswork now that we're over a month into the year, but oh well:::

The coming year is bound to bring a lot of new things in my world and the surrounding worlds of my friends and family.  So therefore I am going to list some predictions for the coming year.  I guess we'll see how I do.

1.  New Engagements:

• Marriage was such a popular topic last time, I figured I'd start with engagments this round.  Ok, first I'm going to put Jeana, since that seems like a gimme, if it isn't already official.  Kristin is also up there because she seems to expect it, and Kristin tends to get what she wants.  I'm also throwing Lacey in as a pretty sure thing, seeing as how she has her timeline all mapped out, and I believe an engagement is set for this year.  Seth is tricky, but I'm still pulling for him, so Seth is also added in the 2009 engagement list.  For my sake I hope it's not that soon, but Jamie is probably getting close to an engagement as well.  But who knows, he tends to drag his feet on some stuff.

2.  Apple Losing Some Steam

• Everyone knows I am an Apple fan and that they've been doing a great job.  But it seems they've made a few strange decisions lately.  They also lost the great Steve recently as well (but only for a little while, so they say).  Without Steve, Apple hasn't done great in the past.  So although I do believe they will continue to increase in market share, I also believe they will lose a bit of their wow factor and completeness in meeting the desires of the public.

3.  Obama

• Obama is President now, so "change" is bound to happen.  I think Obama will get most of everything he wants this year.  Huge division will come between Democrats who are further wooed by Barack, and the Republicans who will become more rigid about opposing him, under the command of Rush Limbaugh, and other such blunt conservatives.  Taxes will go up, babies will die, golden parachutes will deploy, and gay marriage will be on its way to legalization during this year.  I sound like a huge Obama hater, which I'm not, I just disagree with a lot of his stuff... and I don't think we can quite put a finger on his moral character yet... but it is shifting a tad.

4.  The Office

• Jim and Pam will get married.  Dwight and Angela will kind of get back together.  Michael will go off and on with Holly.  Ryan will have to make his way back into the show somehow, maybe as a pizza delivery boy or a manager at a competing paper company.  Toby will become interested in Holly and battle Michael for her (not really for any of that).  But Toby will receive the key to the city.  Phyllis will miraculously conceive a child to Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.  Angela will find some sinful activity to replace her deceitful relationships.  And Kevin will get Scrantonicity back together to play for Jim and Pam's wedding.

5.  Me

• I will start reading/learning more.  I'll continue to get more video gigs and develop my little production company.  My cell phone service will switch to Verizon.  I will get a new car.  I'll go on a few dates, and break a few hearts.  I will develop back problems from my continued sleep on a futon.  I will be pretty consistent at the gym, seeing as how it is becoming 24hours!  So I will therefore be in good shape finally, and flocks of women will swoon over me.  I will find a new home church that I feel like I belong at.  I think I might finally start being adventurous when I feel bored and alone, and go meet new people/cause havoc.  Regardless, of any of this, I want this to be a good year where I grow as a person and help others grow too.

Binge & Purge

Nutritionists will tell you not to take on the habitual binge/purge rhythm to your eating.  But you just can't resist the allure of chocolate.  One potato chip leads to one bag of potato chips.  And your daily burger just becomes part of your routine... even though you KNOW your shouldn't.  

So we call 1-800-09-JENNY.  And we go on slimfast.  And we join the gym.  And we go on some crazy diet where you can only eat meat and cheese or do something crazy with an enima.  And we do these things... for a week or two (or until we can no longer either sit on or stop sitting on a toilet).  We cut down our portions or take a magic pill until we've lost 5-10-4,000 lbs (depending on your situation).  Once we feel normal, healthy, and confident again we open ourselves up to the temptation.  And thus we become Oprah or Luther Vandross.  Lose, gain, lose, gain, lose gain... die.

Modern day science, and the rampant spread of disease and death makes it clear that binge/purge is not the way we should live.  But my point is not really about weight or diet.

I'm coming off of a few day purge (or binge, depending on how you look at it).  Sitting in my high-back swivel chair, going through hours and hours of football footage to make a montage video.  Over the last few days I have spent probably close to 50 hours working on this video.  Edit, sleep for 5 hours, wake up, edit, shoot some supplemental video, edit, eat a cracker and a bag of m&m's, edit, sleep.  It's not healthy to be working 18 hours a day, even if it is for just a few days or a week.

The point is that I have bad living habits that are comparable to bad eating habits.  I binge on life and relaxation to a point where it isn't good for me.  And then I have to purge and work super hard to catch up, which also isn't good for me.  If I could buckle down and find some structure in my life I could be in a much better place.  Like eating, I wouldn't feel forced to purge hardcore if I hadn't been bingeing so much!

I've gotten some good, stern advice, that I should schedule everything in my day.  Oh my.  For me that seems like a lot, seeing as how I schedule very little except for work events or meetings (and that's only because of iCal).  But I'm going to start trying to schedule most of my day; despite the fact that I'm sure the unforeseen variables will blow holes in it on a regular basis.

My binge might be other people's purge.  Some people are so structured and such work-aholics that to be away from the office any day of the week feels like a purge to them.  Obviously this isn't ideal either, and can be harmful to a person's life, identity, health, etc.

Maybe this is a good thing for all of us to reflect on occasionally, or regularly.  Am I being a good steward of my time?  Is my life balanced, does it reflect harmony?  Does the way I live my life leave room for all my priorities (God, others, myself, work... hopefully in an order close to that)?

A balanced life is such an enticing goal.  That's why I can't understand the reasons I fight it so.

I am the most interesting of creatures, in that I defy logic at every opportunity.  But at least I dwell upon my absurdities... and then blog about them.

Scratch Each Others Egos

Have you ever been afraid to pay someone a compliment because you don't quite know where you stand with them? Perhaps they are one of those people that you just idolize and elevate to a pedestal, and so you assume that if they're up there, they must be looking down on you. The game commences where you try to become close friends without seeming too needy.

Or maybe it's someone of the opposite sex that you're into. You see the world in him/her and know they don't or can't find the same in you. It becomes an endless back and forth of getting your hopes up and then letting your self-esteem pull you down.

Why do we make celebrity figures out of certain people in our lives? Why do we make friendship and acceptance such a labyrinth instead of a straight shot? Why do I assume that other humans are beyond self-consciousness or have it all together?

Why am I so scared of any form of rejection that I often avoid giving compliments?

Around some I feel equal and capable of handing out and receiving compliments and encouragement. Around others I feel I need to prove myself and constantly doubt my ability to attain such acceptance, or harder yet be desirable by them.

I don't know if you're like me, but I tend to catalog all of my skills, attributes, etc. and list them out so I can see the things that give me worth. But they never seem like enough on their own. Value is in the eye of the beholder. If you aren't telling me I'm valuable in one way or another, I'll never believe I have anything to offer.

Freely flowing words of encouragement are the great equalizer. They remind us of the worth of others and in doing so, come back around to remind us of our own worth.

Stop hiding your light under a basket. Let it be seen!