Sudden Push

I guess I've reached the point in my life where all signs and all fingers start leading you down the aisle.

It's funny how suddenly that push takes place, or at least has for me. A year ago, there was no indication that marriage should be within my scope. I wasn't, and still am not completely, sure that it's part of my lot in life. I lean toward believing I will find the right girl, fall in love, get married, have 2.3 kids (does .3 represent some weird conjoined twin thing, or an extra arm and liver?). But honestly I don't know. It certainly seems nice, but I'm so "out there" in my values, convictions, and desires that I'm not sure any girl will fit into my bizarre (by our current social structure) lifestyle and beliefs.

I've only been to the wedding of one friend in the last several years. My buddy Brooks got married, and I was a groomsman. I don't count Brooks though, because he's four or five years older than me. Things are changing though (and already have). My good friend Jesse just got married on Saturday. My good friend Kelly is getting married this coming Saturday. And surely within the next 1-2 years a few more of my "my age" friends will be married.

I can't comprehend. I mean, good for them, but at this time and position in my life, I cannot fathom saying "this is the woman I will spend the rest of my life with." As much as I'd like to be able to feel that and as much as I search for that, I just can't currently. I am still perplexed by the phenomenon that is marriage. I don't know how one cannot believe in a God, and believe solely in Darwinistic happenings as the cause of everything we do and are. The decision for two people to devote the rest of their lives to one another would be ridiculous if it weren't so beautiful. And when it happens, that's a picture that is truly miraculous. Day after day, year after year, love proving itself again and again. Amazing... but heavy!



What a decision. They say you "just know" when you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. You better know, because that's a big lifestyle change. Especially with the promise of children, which my mom has been getting on me about lately. Just today I got a text saying how her friend was going to be a grandmother. This past summer I accompanied my mom to this very friend's son's wedding.

Marriage is one thing, procreating is another. I've always been more capable of seeing myself as a husband than a father. Maybe both are difficult to envision because of divorce rate in my family. Yet, I crave the companionship of a wife, but also fear the distraction that could come with it. As for children, I just can't often picture myself as a father. But there are moments...

There are moments when an image before me transports me through time to what I could be. I place myself in the shoes of the one I'm watching, and I can picture myself as a husband or a father. I can feel the love that I'll have, and the fulfillment of it. After the moment fades, I'm still a little skeptical and even fearful, but also hopeful, and usually wearing a smile.

I don't know why I worry so much. I am responsible, caring, and capable. There are those who are excellent husbands and fathers, who have needed to grow into the role greatly, and been successful in it. But I always want to do everything well... exceedingly well. And the undertaking of a family would be big.

Am I ready. I think not. I am under-disciplined, underpaid, and under-established; overly distracted, overly critical, and overly self-indulged. But if/when it happens I will ready myself. After all, I am a fierce, brave, daring man. I am not a nice guy. I am a warrior! A warrior that one day may walk down an aisle in a tuxedo... but not yet.