Updatage

It's been a fairly eventful last few days.

Yesterday, was Kelly's wedding day. She is no long Kelly Chappell, she is Kelly O'Leary. I really want to continue to call her Kellychappell, because I'm used to it and I like it. But Dave is a good guy, and if he doesn't want me calling her that, I'll have to make an effort to stop.

The wedding was great/beautiful/joyous. It was neat that David's father married them and as he spoke of the passages read and gave words of wisdom, it was a pastor speaking to the couple being married and those attending the wedding, but it was obvious that he was also very much speaking as a father to a son and his wife. I loved watching David and Kelly, holding each other's hands and wearing their emotions all over their faces. It was cute how they would at times swing each others arms slightly in excitement of the moment. Their smiles told the whole story.

The reception brought about even more fun. David and Kelly's (DK) first dance was awesome. Everyone thought it was choreographed, but as I spoke to Kelly later, she said it wasn't at all. They are a great pair. So much energy, so much character, so much love! I know that the extent of their love and joy was and is an inspiration to everyone in attendance. It's good to be reminded that love like that exists.

It was also great seeing so many of my old friends. The old youth group crew was representin'! Jonathan, Stacie, Seth, Jesse, Anthony, Jess Baker, Kristin, and myself; all at one table! We also had Jesse's wife Kelsey, Kristin's boyfriend Jordan, and my date Marissa. There were lots of laughs and reminiscing. But there is something a little strange. I think we encountered a wedding crasher...

Soon after finding our way to the table, which was filled with all youth group people, except for 2 seats, a middle aged woman (Debbie) sits down saying she is at our table. It was strange, but we were nice. She told us she was from PA, and was best friends with David's mother. I didn't know why they would stick her at our table. I actually chatted with her for a bit. She asked if we knew who Curry was because they were at our table too. We realized Jonathan and Stacie must be at our table, but there aren't enough seats. Then she left for a moment. About a minute later Jonathan and Stacie got there and sat in the two remaining seats, moving Debbie's things. We realized none of us had seen her table marker. She came back and stated she was at a different table. The rest of the night we kept a little eye on her, and she didn't seem to talk to anyone really. She was totally crashing that wedding! She just spies where there are empty seats and takes the spot. There is so much I have to learn from her.

So Marissa was my date. A great date she was too. She met a lot of my friends, most of which she didn't know at all. Early on, at the ceremony there were some issues, but after some cough medicine and a few safety pins, all was well. We had fun dancing, taking pictures, and breeding hamsters. Ok, so there were no hamsters (a man can dream). If you read this ever, thanks again for being my date to the wedding!

I tried to make myself have fun and hold back many of my typical reservations. I think I succeeded. I know I had fun, and was maybe even more awesome than usual; if that's possible. I really want to get some copies of the pictures from Marissa, because I think they will make me smile and chuckle and perhaps fart a little.

Now I feel like more of my friends need to get married so I can keep having fun nights like this. Maybe a marriage, followed by divorce, followed by subsequent remarriage (so I can wedding it up again!). Ok, let's make it happennn... annnnnnnnnnnd... Break!

Oh yeah... Kristin requested for Brooks (who DJed) to play My Humps via texting him on my phone. After he started playing it, David yelled at him. Kristin got Brooks in trouble. He was then stripped and beaten publically so everyone would know what "we" think of My Humps.


Today was/is Mother's Day. I'm not super close to my mom, but I'm making an effort to be a better son and let her into my life somewhat (although I remain cautious). I showed up at her house this morning to go to church with her. It was nice enough, got to see some friends (I had just been at the church the previous day for Kelly's wedding). It's good to see Pastor Morgan is still teaching almost exclusively on "Joy" without telling us why we should have it, just that we ought to be joyful. :::FRUSTRATION:::

After church my mom needed to go to the mall, so I went there with her. While she shopped I bought vitamins from Vitamin World. Then I walked around and sat around and played Tetris on my phone. Then I went home to eat and take a nap before going on a bike ride with my mom. We rode 14 miles, which is a good bit for a guy who is kind of out of shape. My mom is crazier with riding than you'd think. We finished the fourteen miles in a little over an hour of biking. I had to prove myself by keeping up. I think maybe I could outbike her... maybe. We stopped at Station Square to get a quick bite, since we were riding right by it. Then after biking, I came back home with her and cut the grass. Exciting yes. My mom really enjoyed the day though, so that's good.

Hopefully this wasn't too boring, but it's what the DA was originally designed for... telling of the excitement and drabness of my day to day.

Lotionin' Oilin', Oilin' Lotionin'

Yeah, this clip has almost nothing to do with this post, yet at the same time has everything to do with everything... It's a magic moment.

What I really wanted to say is that my uncle was on the news. Check it out.

Now you all can be beautiful and protect yourselves from the nasty sun. As for myself, I will be wearing this as protection.

Does His Power Come From God?

Pat Robertson's Leg Press | Viral | SPIKE.com

I'm not a big fan of Pat Robertson at all. But check this out!

I really don't know what to say about this old man with quads of steel.

So maybe he's cheating a little...

All I know is, this is certainly a humble man ;)

Sudden Push

I guess I've reached the point in my life where all signs and all fingers start leading you down the aisle.

It's funny how suddenly that push takes place, or at least has for me. A year ago, there was no indication that marriage should be within my scope. I wasn't, and still am not completely, sure that it's part of my lot in life. I lean toward believing I will find the right girl, fall in love, get married, have 2.3 kids (does .3 represent some weird conjoined twin thing, or an extra arm and liver?). But honestly I don't know. It certainly seems nice, but I'm so "out there" in my values, convictions, and desires that I'm not sure any girl will fit into my bizarre (by our current social structure) lifestyle and beliefs.

I've only been to the wedding of one friend in the last several years. My buddy Brooks got married, and I was a groomsman. I don't count Brooks though, because he's four or five years older than me. Things are changing though (and already have). My good friend Jesse just got married on Saturday. My good friend Kelly is getting married this coming Saturday. And surely within the next 1-2 years a few more of my "my age" friends will be married.

I can't comprehend. I mean, good for them, but at this time and position in my life, I cannot fathom saying "this is the woman I will spend the rest of my life with." As much as I'd like to be able to feel that and as much as I search for that, I just can't currently. I am still perplexed by the phenomenon that is marriage. I don't know how one cannot believe in a God, and believe solely in Darwinistic happenings as the cause of everything we do and are. The decision for two people to devote the rest of their lives to one another would be ridiculous if it weren't so beautiful. And when it happens, that's a picture that is truly miraculous. Day after day, year after year, love proving itself again and again. Amazing... but heavy!



What a decision. They say you "just know" when you meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. You better know, because that's a big lifestyle change. Especially with the promise of children, which my mom has been getting on me about lately. Just today I got a text saying how her friend was going to be a grandmother. This past summer I accompanied my mom to this very friend's son's wedding.

Marriage is one thing, procreating is another. I've always been more capable of seeing myself as a husband than a father. Maybe both are difficult to envision because of divorce rate in my family. Yet, I crave the companionship of a wife, but also fear the distraction that could come with it. As for children, I just can't often picture myself as a father. But there are moments...

There are moments when an image before me transports me through time to what I could be. I place myself in the shoes of the one I'm watching, and I can picture myself as a husband or a father. I can feel the love that I'll have, and the fulfillment of it. After the moment fades, I'm still a little skeptical and even fearful, but also hopeful, and usually wearing a smile.

I don't know why I worry so much. I am responsible, caring, and capable. There are those who are excellent husbands and fathers, who have needed to grow into the role greatly, and been successful in it. But I always want to do everything well... exceedingly well. And the undertaking of a family would be big.

Am I ready. I think not. I am under-disciplined, underpaid, and under-established; overly distracted, overly critical, and overly self-indulged. But if/when it happens I will ready myself. After all, I am a fierce, brave, daring man. I am not a nice guy. I am a warrior! A warrior that one day may walk down an aisle in a tuxedo... but not yet.

So How Many Do You Want?

I got back today from the One Heart retreat I went to for YFC. It was interesting. I might blog on that another time soon, but there is a more pressing story that must be told. It occured about six hours ago, and I first told my tale for a group of fine young ladies, one of which looked like she was about to pop some Marta tokens out of her belly button, she was laughing so hard.

I was at home earlier, preparing for some clients to come over to preview a video. I heard the doorbell ring and noticed they were about 20 minutes early. As I open the door, it's not them. It's some dude who has the appearance of a man who has been working on a car for the past few hours. He explains to me in a rehersed manner that he is selling a cleaner. He asks me if I have any kids. No. Any pets? No. He tells me I am a smart man. He asks what the hardest thing for me to clean is. I don't know. This whole situation reminds me of Deb in Napoleon Dynamite trying to sell glamour shots and beaded bracelets.

He pulls out his squirt bottle. "Here, watch this clean your wall." He squirts the dirty paneling on my house and rubs it with a towel. It smudges and rubs off some of the loose dirt. "See, it removes oil and grime." "Here check this out." He pulls out a Sharpie and another towel. The towel has a mark of Sharpie already on it (which tells me already that this demonstration will also leave a lot to be desired). He draws on the towel. Squirt, squirt. And he rubs it. The thin black sharpie mark, magically becomes a blob of a grey mark on the towel. "See how that works, it's like a Shout strip, but Shout won't take out Sharpie." "Is that your car?" He asks, as he points to my roommate's car. I almost want to say yes and see if he's going to draw on the car with his Sharpie. I say no.

He asks me again what the hardest thing to clean in my house is. I still don't have an answer, but he goes ahead and informs me that I can clean grease build ups or glass or pretty much anything with this product held before me. In fact with just a few cap fulls diluted in water, I can clean all my carpeting with a steam cleaner.

He gets back to the car thing again, "which car is yours?" I point to it. We walk over and he asks what the dirtiest thing is about the car, I respond sarcastically, "the car", enjoying making fun of him, but still losing my patience. He asks if there are any stains. I inform there are, but they are rather old. He seems very up for the challenge, scoffing at these old stains. My passenger side seat, stain found, squirt squirt. He pulls out his towel, covered in grime from a day of testing. He searches the towel for a clean spot and finds a tiny corner, which he wipes on the spot maybe twice (this guy doesn't put a lot of effort into his presentation in any way). "See, look at this." He shows me a brown on his rag from my chair. I don't know if it was the stain actually, I think it was just proof of how dirty my car is.

He's not done, he starts rooting through my car in search of stains. He is lifting up my floor mats, where he suspects there could be a nice hidden stain. He finds one the size of half a pea. Squirt squirt. Rubbing with the towel. Can he tell I'm not impressed yet?

He stands up outside my car and talks some more. Noticing my roof he says, "You have oxidation on your roof here. If I could take that off, how many bottles would you want to buy?"

I tell him I'm probably not interested. We find our way back to my porch. He asks me again how many bottle I'd be interested in buying (all still with the inflection of a Napoleon Dynamite character). At that moment my neighbor pulls up and is a little confused by who this man is. I quickly introduce her and tell her his purpose. I find my way back into the house to let her deal with this guy.

It's fun to meet new people!

The End

Sometimes you need to get to the end of yourself before you can let go of the staleness and hold on to the fresh.

I sensed a hope yesterday morning on my way to church. I felt like I was fed up with myself and believed I would really meet God for the first time in longer than I would like to believe. I've been distant from God in a relational way lately. I follow him and love him, but like a friend can be distant or less transparent at times, I was that with God.

The first song struck me, and spoke to where I was.

What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain

Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You
As the heavens hold the skies
It's your hand that holds my life
And your love will lead me on
When all else is gone

I felt like I had nothing. I felt like no matter how much I try it's not enough to satisfy people, satisfy the world. And I did weep, but found a fullness in letting it go. What is the hope I'm holding onto? Is it these things, or is it Jesus. I'm so glad to see my weakness and my inability, because then I can own it. And only when I realize my weakness can I realize His strength.

Later another song played which was also very penetrating.

Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done
Is there a pardon for sinners, I know I'm one
Before you
Before you

Would you take this heart of foulness, make it clean again
Would you pour on me your mercy, as I confess my sin
Before you
Before you

Point my feet in the way they should go
Place your holy spirit on me
Lead me in the ways everlasting
I long to have a heart that's pure
I need to have a heart that's pure
Before you
Before you

Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy
Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy

The words "before you" wrapped themselves around my thoughts. I saw the throne and I saw myself, and felt like I had screwed up so much. "Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done? Is there a pardon for sinners, I know that I'm one." I sincerely knew I was one right then. Sometimes I say I'm a sinner, but I don't believe it.

I can't remember the last time a tear dripped from my eye, but as I knelt there between my chairs with my head on the ground I could feel the tears dripping from my eyelashes to my hands. Surrender. I felt cleansed. I felt loved and forgiven. The word "Mercy" captured my soul. I knelt and wept in awe of Mercy.

It was a great Sunday to be in church. I saw video of a missions trip to China where they were illegally having church gatherings and giving out CD's of testimonies. It's so much more real when your friends are in the video, when the person sitting a few rows in front of you was there. It's not some distant thing. This person was in this video of the Chinese police catching up with these Christians after searching for them for 2 days. It was their passports and resources the police took away from these violators.

It was also great to hear accounts of miracles. The kind that Americans forget about because we never see them. People being healed of sickness and broken bones by prayer. Stories of dreams that lead Christians to villages, and dreams that have the people knowing that they were coming that very day. Statistics that show Christianity is growing by about 10,000 people a day in China, and that by 2050 about half the world will be Christian. And yet sadly, they also say that by 2050 in the Western world 4 in 5 "white" people will not believe in the Bible.

I feel ready for Easter. I want to celebrate this truth, and anyone reading this who is not living their faith as they should, reconsider. I have eye-witness accounts of things that you would think are fairy tales.

A great follow-up to church was our volunteering day with Light of Life ministries. My Campus Life group and a bunch of students from the musical went to the North Side to throw an Easter party for the kids there. It was great to get to know some of their little personalities. We did a skit, an Easter egg hunt, egg dying, a song, and just played with kids. One little baby got slobbery chocolate chip cookie on my pants, but he was really cute, so I let it slide.

There's something special about being around those less-fortunate kids. It brings joy to my heart, and it's awesome to see their smiles and random dances. They just want to play and be loved.

If everyone loved like Jesus, what kind of world would this be?

I Wish

There are so many times when an intense lack of satisfaction detonates in my soul and ripples through my emotions.

I find myself in a depressed state of "I wish" because I certainly am not good enough how I am.

I do my best to hide such things, as an ultimate toast to Christian hypocrisy... "I'm perfectly happy and whole in every way."

I wish I were more daring.
I wish I were more attractive.
I wish I were more poetic.
I wish I were more relaxed.
I wish I was the guy people called up to be with.
I wish I had that "someone."
I wish I were taller.
I wish I fit in.
I wish I could see myself as an adult.
I wish I believed I could be the person everyone wants me to be... if I even wanted to.

I wish I displayed more confidence (ironic, huh?).

So often I feel lost, worthless, or forgotten and then I chalk it up to one or more "I wish I were's." Surely these are the reasons I am feeling low, lost, without, depressed.

I am an encouragement junky. It's amazing I've become so addicted to it without tasting much. Maybe it's the wrong metaphor. Perhaps I'm just a soul laden with the disease of low self-esteem, craving a medicine from the viral bombardment of society and the apparent "reality".

What I really wish is that I could have the best attributes of everyone perfected and condensed into my very core. It's selfish and unrealistic. And it's not at all the answer.

The answer is contentment. The answer is a dose of Reality; of Truth. The answer is knowing who God made me. The answer is finding those who will value me as God made me.

Unfortunately I often feel as though this number is few.

I've lately avoided posts expressing my downers in this fashion, but maybe the new Steve is going to be open about things that I've kept more secret lately, or at least presented in a less raw way.