I sensed a hope yesterday morning on my way to church. I felt like I was fed up with myself and believed I would really meet God for the first time in longer than I would like to believe. I've been distant from God in a relational way lately. I follow him and love him, but like a friend can be distant or less transparent at times, I was that with God.
The first song struck me, and spoke to where I was.
What have I in this life
But the love in Your eyes
This empty world will one day fade
Only Your truth will remain
Jesus, all I have is You
You're the hope I'm holding to
I might weep but still my faith
Rests in You
As the heavens hold the skies
It's your hand that holds my life
And your love will lead me on
When all else is gone
I felt like I had nothing. I felt like no matter how much I try it's not enough to satisfy people, satisfy the world. And I did weep, but found a fullness in letting it go. What is the hope I'm holding onto? Is it these things, or is it Jesus. I'm so glad to see my weakness and my inability, because then I can own it. And only when I realize my weakness can I realize His strength.
Later another song played which was also very penetrating.
Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done
Is there a pardon for sinners, I know I'm one
Before you
Before you
Would you take this heart of foulness, make it clean again
Would you pour on me your mercy, as I confess my sin
Before you
Before you
Point my feet in the way they should go
Place your holy spirit on me
Lead me in the ways everlasting
I long to have a heart that's pure
I need to have a heart that's pure
Before you
Before you
Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy
Oh Lord forgive me
I need your mercy
The words "before you" wrapped themselves around my thoughts. I saw the throne and I saw myself, and felt like I had screwed up so much. "Is there any forgiveness for the things I've done? Is there a pardon for sinners, I know that I'm one." I sincerely knew I was one right then. Sometimes I say I'm a sinner, but I don't believe it.
I can't remember the last time a tear dripped from my eye, but as I knelt there between my chairs with my head on the ground I could feel the tears dripping from my eyelashes to my hands. Surrender. I felt cleansed. I felt loved and forgiven. The word "Mercy" captured my soul. I knelt and wept in awe of Mercy.
It was a great Sunday to be in church. I saw video of a missions trip to China where they were illegally having church gatherings and giving out CD's of testimonies. It's so much more real when your friends are in the video, when the person sitting a few rows in front of you was there. It's not some distant thing. This person was in this video of the Chinese police catching up with these Christians after searching for them for 2 days. It was their passports and resources the police took away from these violators.
It was also great to hear accounts of miracles. The kind that Americans forget about because we never see them. People being healed of sickness and broken bones by prayer. Stories of dreams that lead Christians to villages, and dreams that have the people knowing that they were coming that very day. Statistics that show Christianity is growing by about 10,000 people a day in China, and that by 2050 about half the world will be Christian. And yet sadly, they also say that by 2050 in the Western world 4 in 5 "white" people will not believe in the Bible.
I feel ready for Easter. I want to celebrate this truth, and anyone reading this who is not living their faith as they should, reconsider. I have eye-witness accounts of things that you would think are fairy tales.
A great follow-up to church was our volunteering day with Light of Life ministries. My Campus Life group and a bunch of students from the musical went to the North Side to throw an Easter party for the kids there. It was great to get to know some of their little personalities. We did a skit, an Easter egg hunt, egg dying, a song, and just played with kids. One little baby got slobbery chocolate chip cookie on my pants, but he was really cute, so I let it slide.
There's something special about being around those less-fortunate kids. It brings joy to my heart, and it's awesome to see their smiles and random dances. They just want to play and be loved.
If everyone loved like Jesus, what kind of world would this be?
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