When Life Gets Heavy

Life has been a bit confusing lately, and certainly not relaxing. Since graduating college and ignoring my degree I have had a rough time financially. I justified this as a venture towards a simple life as a means to have a more fulfilling existence and have a positive effect on the world. I recited this mantra in my head repeatedly, especially when I was faint of heart and light of wallet. I can remember times where I would sit on my bed in a buzzed (not buzzed with alcohol or narcotics) state of mind, just trying to strategize some sort of way to manifest the money I needed to pay my bills. What could I sell? What little job could I pick up? Does anybody owe me any money? It always seemed to end in me rolling the coins from my piggy bank.

The hidden question in my mind was, do I use this sense of righteous duty to the greater way as a cop out for being unsuccessful? Everyone did and does get on my case about finding a job. "Do you have a job yet?" Of course I do, it's a part time job, I've had it for a few years. "But you need to keep looking for something."

I'm not wealthy now. I'm probably not even close to middle class at this point. But I feel wealthier, especially compared to where I was just a few months ago. What I make with my regular salary is about enough to cover all my bills. I've also been getting quite a bit of computer tech/video work. I can afford to eat out every now and then now, I am affording some new equipment, and I am able to give more to people in need. I feel like I should say "good for me!" It's looking more and more like my video business could become something lucrative as word spreads. Success is within my grasp!

Money doesn't bring meaning or success to life. I'm seriously not opposed to people making money, and I'm glad I can put a little more into the church offering on a regular basis, but the busyness, stress, and distraction it has brought me makes me feel like a failure. I miss some of the spontaneity I strived for before, the time of reflection and thinking I allowed for myself, and the amount of time I spent seeking God. Sometimes I felt lazy as being someone who didn't have a job job, but instead would hang out with homeless people, think about stuff, read, debate with Mormons, and write blogs. Now I feel lazy for not doing those things like I should.

Should I be able to live both sides adequately? Maybe. I want to say yes, but I also feel like something is always sacrificed. If I really do have to choose, I think I prefer the one that brings me more peace. But maybe I am just lazy. Perhaps I can do all these things still, but in recent experience of trying, I have felt exhausted trying to do everything I should and want to do.

As I've considered all of these things I've realized how alone I am (or at least feel). It seems like I need to do everything for myself and help out other people with their stuff. I have almost no one looking out for me, or lessening my burden. I feel I should clarify... there are people like my volunteers with Campus Life, my family who has helped me out financially and other ways many times, and other friends who are there for me. But still overall I feel like the guy who needs to carry the world.

Even if I need to carry most of the things in my life, some good moral support would do wonders. I'm starved for affection. I find myself longing for a strong enduring hug that someone only gives you when they really care. I actually find myself going home to my mom's more often just so I can get a hug and kiss from my mom (whom most of you know I'm not all that close with). I've built the castle I'm living in. I'm typically not real touchy or affectionate, out of fear that it would be awkward or misconstrued or just because I never have been that way with so-and-so. But there's something special about being around people who love to embrace, encourage, and just plain love each other. It's freeing and life-giving.

My cousin Sam is a perfect example. When you talk to him he looks you in the eye. He cares. He talks loud and with passion. He loves to hug and kiss... and pinch cheeks. He's so uninhibited with displaying his affection. I love seeing him and I can't help but smile when he's around. When I experience his zest, I see hints of what I want my life to display.

I guess I should start being this a little more to those around me. Maybe we all should. I would imagine most of us could use a deep loving hug more than we admit. So next time you see me, don't be surprised to get a big hug... or if I don't why don't you surprise me with a big hug... and if you're daring, a sloppy kiss.

CRISIS: Identity

Who am I?

It's a good question.

I guess in a round about way I've been thinking about who I am lately.  I think of my desires, and ask if I'm really doing anything to achieve them.  I think of of some of my proclamations of things I believe in and occasionally wonder if I have anything solid backing it or do I just want to believe I'm right.  I have a mental picture of the type of personality I am, but am I looking in a circus mirror when I assess myself?

There is a Steve lurking inside that is pretty self-assured.  He believes that he has the makings of a pretty decent ladies' man.  He thinks deep down that he really does have an acceptionally functional brain, probably even much smarter than most people he meets.  Steve also sees little he couldn't tackle if he desired... musician, comedian, writer, physicist, politician, pastor, therapist, personal trainer... just a few of the many possibilities for such an up-and-comer.  He's also a guy who is aware of how super self-aware he is!  He will analyze and fix whatever issues are going on in his life before you even know they exist.  This guy knows that between his intellect, creativity, skills, great personality, and rigorous work-out routine, he is quite the catch as an acquaintance, friend, or if you're that lucky, boyfriend.

This is a potentially arrogant, but confident Steve.  This is the Steve that sees himself in a vacuum, possibly comparing himself to others, as he sees them in their own vacuum.  This Steve views himself from a vantage point outside of the context of his day to day actions/life.  There is a Steve that sees himself in context of his life... but he's a completely different Steve.

Comparisons look very different under the light of the reality, rather than the glow of fantasy.  A short, average, ignorant, white guy who sometimes just tries too hard to be what he thinks he already is.  Someone who has a job working with high school kids because everyone his own age is progressing in life as he treads water.  The Steve who spends so much time applauding his own thoughts that he doesn't continue to learn and develop his mind.  This is the kind of guy who craves an affirming word and many times goes out of his way to do nice things for recognition.  Most of the time when he looks around he notices just how alone and lonely he is, and that tells him about the kind of person he is.  There is a sense of paranoia that surrounds him, in that he feels he can't know himself fully because culturally correct people say nice things rather than true things, and thus give him no true mirror through which to see his actual reflection.

It's a full out battle between the two Steve's, trying to reconcile one complete person.  Certainly neither of them are fully correct.  It's natural to want to encourage someone that they are all the good qualities (like Steve 1 believes), but I've caught enough stray reflections in the world to deduct that I am not as great as Steve 1 thinks.  I've also had enough sincere compliments to know I am not a total loser.

The question remains, "Who am I?"  There are most definitely many spiritual answers to this, but I'm speaking about actual self-awareness.  How do I find out?  Everyone's opinion will be different based on their experience with me.  But combined I should get a pretty good idea.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this, but I think most of us have a two-sided ego.  One that thinks we're great, and one that thinks we're crap.  Neither are probably right completely.  

Vids

I am returned.  I feel like when you use the word "am" in the stead of "have" it makes one sound much more confident, royal, and  British.  I desire to be all of these, but unfortunately am none.  Then again, maybe using "am" there is plain incorrect grammar.

Grammar is a funny word.  I think it should end in an "er" rather than "ar."  I also believe it should be a term for a grandmother, who knows how to rock out.  The kind of grandmother that will have her teenage grandkids say "Grammer, you really messed up that dude in the mosh pit."  Then grammer bakes cookies to cheer up the kid that she tore up at the show.  That's grammer!  GrammAr is just some gunk you get on the bottom of your shoe.  "Ah man, I just stepped in grammar.  It'll take me forever to get this off."  Grammar is that gunk you can't wash off... well you could, but you don't want to touch it at all.  You will only clean it via indirect spray from a faucet.  So instead you complain about the grammar on your shoe, while doing nothing about it, hoping that friction-esque erosion will handle the problem in due time.

Life has felt pretty busy lately, which is usually what I say when I come back from not blogging for a bit.  I've been getting a few more video jobs and doing a lot with Youth for Christ, plus I am adding to my list of friends I am trying to help in charity (whether financial or relational or both), so I guess I feel like I'm in demand. 

Last night was our Youth For Christ - Campus Life banquet.  I am always a pretty behind the scenes guy there.  But I spent many hours editing some videos together, that I got footage for on Tuesday.  I'm posting the five short videos I made for last night.

I feel a lot of times like my video work is more of a hobby than anything... like it's just some cute little thing I do.  Maybe it's because my work doesn't end up on TV or because so much of what I do involves youth or churches, and not as often professional, corporate pieces.  But I guess I do a good, professional job at what I do.  And thankfully I am getting more calls about doing video work lately.  I was hoping video stuff would pick up so I can afford to live.  I think it'll just keep getting better as time goes on and people get to see my work.

This all is just in wait for the big collaboration of minds in creating a commercial-creating force of elite minds and wits.  We all know it's coming.  Ben, Steve, Jason, Anthony, Jess, and whatever other stragglers find their way in.  We will make your business boom with multi-product inclusion in the same ad, such as "Converse... Got Milk?"  And breakthrough two-in-one inventions like Dr. Lube (the first ever engine de-greaser, soft drink), SPF Whip (our sunscreen mayonnaise), and TP Tie (Toilet paper tie, convenience meets fashion).  Plus concepts that are fun and can be formatted to endorse any product like "The Video Edit-tor," and the missile launching attack helicopter that guards against speeding ("Speed enforced by aircraft").  And don't forget about our new Prime Time Show "Si-Esse (CSI) Mexico."

We're totally going to blow Nutrigrain out of the water!

Ok, I'm going for now.  I am going to relax after my stressful last few days.

Holy Macramony

Isn't she just glowing?

So I finally did it. Some people say men have a hard time with commitment. I usually take people like that and give them a big bear hug, until I realize I don't think I know them well enough to be giving them a hug. But gosh-darnit (thanks Palin) I did commit myself... and no, not to a psych ward, but to a beautiful blushing (seriously, look) bride. Adorned with her 8 carat solid state diamond engagement ring, come Wednesday (or whenever she gets shipped to me) I will look her all over, gaze into her glossy screen, tickle her elegant multi-touch trackpad, and dual-boot her with OSX and XP!

Did I take that too far? I didn't think so.

There are a few things left to be desired in a Mac, or even additions I didn't like. Let's get the negative out of the way...

1. Glossy screen. What the heck, super glare except in total dark.
2. No Blu-ray. Other laptops offer it, why not a Macbook PRO?
3. Taking away all my ports. I understand less ports mean you can make a smaller, light laptop, but I like firewire 400, I like an s-video out, I like a third USB port... but I guess I can deal.
4. No major processor upgrade/quad-core processing. I know it's probably a battery drain, but it would seem neat. There were some bumps in processor though.

Ok, now what I'm excited about...

1. The new design looks pretty nice, although I'm not too picky either way.
2. New process of making the laptop case from a single piece of aluminum is supposed to make it very solid and lighter.
3. Glass trackpad. I hear it has a great feel, and I'm sure Apple will keep inplementing more multi-touch gesture for it as time goes on.
4. iSight. This isn't a new feature at all, but it is to me. I really do want to try the video chat, or maybe doing some video blogs. SWEET!
5. Sweet hard drive. Now they have 7200rpm 320GB laptop hard drive for this piece. My old laptop had a 5200rpm 100GB. This is soo much better!
6. Two GPU (Graphics Processing Units). Right now these are mildly cool, but come the new Mac OS, Snow Leopard, I know that the GPU not being used will be able to help aid your processor with OpenCL, in running programs etc. And that will speed stuff up like crazy, ye-ah.
7. Macs are also much more environmentally friendly now, which I put down here because I should care... I don't care so much in actuality right now, but deep down I do.
8. Actually using Apple software to use in creating sweet videos (even though this isn't just about the new Macbook Pro, but Mac in general).
   

For some more info and pics you can go here.

I've been wating over a year for this laptop, and now it's so close. I do think having a laptop will help me in my learning and writing. It's much easier to type than write and most of you know I have terrible penmanship... although Mike says paper is more reliable than a computer as far as saving your writing.

Things I want to do with my mac...

1. Learn Final Cut Pro
2. Learn Motion and Live Type
3. Play with Logic, so I can start composing music again
4. Recreate my website
5. Make it sing The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song in text to speech
   
6. Take over the world

Ok, I know my blog demographic is not hip to or interested in this Apple tech stuff, so I'll go to bed now.

Kick-off of Wedding Season 08/09

I don't know when "wedding season" actually starts, but this was the beginning of mine. Does using gaming terminology for the wedding scene allow me to ready, aim, and fire at couples rhythmically jaunting down the aisle; with a bee bee gun of course, we're not shooting to kill, just to stir things up. You know, trouble in paradise; playing The Most Dangerous Game in paradise.

Anyway, I went with my mother to a wedding in York, PA. I was her guest, she was not mine... I am not asking my mother to accompany to a wedding, no matter how bad I may be at scoring a date. My mom's friend's son, who is right about my age, got married to some girl. Riveting, huh? I had only met the guy once before, and never met the chick before. She was a cute girl, but from the little nuances I picked up, not someone I would go after.

So I don't know if this really counts counts as the first wedding of my season, since it wasn't a friend, but I'm sure you won't fault me for including it. I act as though I will be attending 10 weddings over the course of this year... well probably not that many... but dare I order the weddings of my friends as I expect them to occur? I dare.

Jesse's wedding is set, so he's first. Then, since Kelly just got engaged, and since everyone knows it's the perfect match, I put her as number 2. Kristin keeps talking about getting married, so, even though she can be deceiving, I'll put her at number 3. Seth, although very good at not coming into Pittsburgh to hang out, I suppose must be getting close to engagement with his girlfriend of several years; he is number 4. And even though she's family, she's still a friend, I put Lacey at 5, since she seems really set on getting married and having babies soon... but we'll still give her a few years. As far as timing... I could see potentially up to the first three happening by the end of 2009, but once again, that's potentially.

The rest is too far outside my radar to know... but I wouldn't put it past Anth-a-ma-nanth to pull something out of his hat, and everyone wondering where that came from. If you're wondering where I rate... I will be the next to last one to get married. I peg myself for tying the knot at 38 or maybe 42, just in front of Jason Kozak, at 44.

Seriously though, the wedding ceremony scares me. The marriage part I think I could handle ok, but I don't want to have this special moment in front of everyone I know. I'd much rather have it in front of a lady in a moo-moo with a mustache and a college drop-out, Elvis impersonator. It's just more... meaningful that way. I know, I'm missing the point of the wedding, I just don't like being in front of people like that, unless it's on my terms, not theirs or society's. But after we run away to get married, we will have a cookout, so I can inexpensively gather all my friends and family to play volleyball, eat veggie-burgers, and give me and my super-model wife expensive presents and well-wishes.

But just to throw this out there, I think a marriage will take place on Tuesday. Yes, the joining in holy MACramony, of me and my new Macbook Pro. I can't wait to get a new laptop. I feel greedy and sinful desiring a possession so much, but oh well. To consummate the marriage will we have to have cyber-s... nevermind.

If you are enough in my friend circle(s) to add potentials to the list, please do. Or if you want to speculate a different order, please do that as well. And if you're a mac fan and want to speculate or discuss the new features, you are welcome to also. Just leave some comments, I never get any!

I Think I'm SAD

I have been a log of crap lately.

I feel unmotivated in the day to day things of life. I haven't been doing much in the way of cooking, cleaning, eating as healthy as usual, going outside, working out, etc. I do stuff because I'm a busy guy, but whatever is optional, or no one is relying on me for, I completely neglect. I just want to sleep and eat salty foods and occasionally use the bathroom (but only if necessary). This has onset over the last couple weeks. Why?

Maybe I'm SAD. Yes, seasonal affective disorder. I don't know if this is totally true, and I'm not really depressed or anything... like I said, just a... turd. It's common for me to not work out as much (or at all) in the winter; just a trend I've noticed. I haven't been cooking for myself too long, so no real trends to pick up on there. I've been sleepy, but I don't think I sleep as well at my new place for some reason, plus it's chilly in the morning, so I don't like leaving the covers.

What it really comes down to though is the dreariness. I miss the warmth of the sun and frolicking and frog licking outside. They say that in hardship is where ingenuity thrives... actually I just said that. But I think I've come up with a simple idea. Portable, wearable heat lamps. Light, warmth, and lamps make everyone happier. Look, I have visuals for you if you think it'll help...

This is a SAD ham. The dreariness of changing seasons has him in a funk. His body is tired and he hasn't seen a direct ray of sunlight in days.




This is a happy ham. The warm, life-giving rays of his heat lamp have invigorated every cell in his body and he is desiring to live each day to the fullest.

My logic and visuals prove my point exactly, and I dare you or anyone else to try to say otherwise. With this inventive accomplishment thought out, now we just need to get the mechanics worked out. There are certainly some questions and possible pitfalls...

#1. Fire
It's good to feel warm, but fire is a little overkill. Now don't get me wrong, when given the choice between mild depression and life-threatening burns, I'll choose the burns every time; however, I think if we work hard we can find solutions that will allow us warmth and a (fake) sunny day all the time, without the risk of 3rd degree burns and the subsequent infections from said burns. Maybe we'll attach water fountains to our heads that will keep a constant blanket of water flowing over our bodies to save us from this flaming danger.


#2. Skipping School
We all know that School In Summertime = No Class, but School In Wintertime should equal Class. If both Summertime and Wintertime = No Class, we'd be a lot stupider. The picture above shows exactly what would happen if heat lamps were plentiful enough that everyone had an industrial strength heat lamp in cold climates. They would be laying out in the snow working on their tan... ALL THE TIME!!!

Now, I know adults are more responsible, but I can't help think that several adults would also lose their jobs due to a lamp obsession, resulting in what I like to call Arrested Lampedevelopment.

And besides... look here buddy, you need a lamp on both sides, you're going to get some wicked frostbite.


#3. Doorways Not Tall Enough
If these gadgets are going to be portable, we're have to figure out how to let people of average height and taller walk through doorways without needing to duck. We could find a way to make a collapsible lamp, but that would mean it can't be on while in a collapsed state, unacceptable! We could put holes above every doorway to allow the lamp to pass through, but that's ridiculous. We could just raise all the doorways in the world, but that would be expensive. There's only one solution I can see...
Robots.
These robots will allow us mobility, without having height interference with our heat lamps. Now don't get me wrong, this is not necessarily the robot we will use, it's just an example. Ours will be much more awesome. We'll also paint it sky blue and have flowers on it to remind us of summer. Plus it'll shoot fireworks.


#4. Lamp Burn
Now, I realize this one looks a lot like what I mentioned in #1 (Fire), but it's really quite different. #1 was an issue of personal effects catching of fire, and thus setting your skin ablaze. What I'm talking about here is much more subtle, yet equally inconvenient.

When being exposed to heat lamp radiation throughout most or all of your day/life, you don't want to overdo it. There are simple fixes to this problem, such as sun screen or lowing the power to the bulb, but I hate sunscreen and I love sunshine, whether real or fake. But let's face it, sunburn does ruin a summer, so it is not acceptible in this world I'm creating.

The avenue of greatest potential with the lowest annoyance factor is genetic mutation. By watching every spider man episode ever, I think I've figured out how to make a lizardman, rhinoman, birdman, and an elephant man (but ironically, not a spiderman). None of these do me any good because none are impervious to excessively high amount of radiation. I hope that what I've learned will ultimately lead me to the invention of a cockroseman. It's basically a mixture of cockroach (for it's invulnerability to radiation), man (for his intellect and Nascar), and a rose (so that we will no longer need to eat, but gain all of our food from the rays of our heat lamp).


Well, I think I'm going to leave it at that. I'm afraid if I say any more you will get too excited start living the "lamp life" before all the kinks have been worked out. But I assure you, I'm on it.

SAD will no longer have a slight affect on my mood anymore!

LONG LIVE INNOVATION!

SNL

I really like it when SNL is funny. I remember a few years where I could watch an episode and not even laugh the entire show. It certainly still has its hit and miss sketches, but I think it might be on the upswing right now.

I found this sketch to be quite entertaining, mostly due to the hands.




The VP debate sketch at the beginning was really quite funny too. I'll probably post that on Pragmatically Charged.