It's a good question.
I guess in a round about way I've been thinking about who I am lately. I think of my desires, and ask if I'm really doing anything to achieve them. I think of of some of my proclamations of things I believe in and occasionally wonder if I have anything solid backing it or do I just want to believe I'm right. I have a mental picture of the type of personality I am, but am I looking in a circus mirror when I assess myself?
There is a Steve lurking inside that is pretty self-assured. He believes that he has the makings of a pretty decent ladies' man. He thinks deep down that he really does have an acceptionally functional brain, probably even much smarter than most people he meets. Steve also sees little he couldn't tackle if he desired... musician, comedian, writer, physicist, politician, pastor, therapist, personal trainer... just a few of the many possibilities for such an up-and-comer. He's also a guy who is aware of how super self-aware he is! He will analyze and fix whatever issues are going on in his life before you even know they exist. This guy knows that between his intellect, creativity, skills, great personality, and rigorous work-out routine, he is quite the catch as an acquaintance, friend, or if you're that lucky, boyfriend.
This is a potentially arrogant, but confident Steve. This is the Steve that sees himself in a vacuum, possibly comparing himself to others, as he sees them in their own vacuum. This Steve views himself from a vantage point outside of the context of his day to day actions/life. There is a Steve that sees himself in context of his life... but he's a completely different Steve.
Comparisons look very different under the light of the reality, rather than the glow of fantasy. A short, average, ignorant, white guy who sometimes just tries too hard to be what he thinks he already is. Someone who has a job working with high school kids because everyone his own age is progressing in life as he treads water. The Steve who spends so much time applauding his own thoughts that he doesn't continue to learn and develop his mind. This is the kind of guy who craves an affirming word and many times goes out of his way to do nice things for recognition. Most of the time when he looks around he notices just how alone and lonely he is, and that tells him about the kind of person he is. There is a sense of paranoia that surrounds him, in that he feels he can't know himself fully because culturally correct people say nice things rather than true things, and thus give him no true mirror through which to see his actual reflection.
It's a full out battle between the two Steve's, trying to reconcile one complete person. Certainly neither of them are fully correct. It's natural to want to encourage someone that they are all the good qualities (like Steve 1 believes), but I've caught enough stray reflections in the world to deduct that I am not as great as Steve 1 thinks. I've also had enough sincere compliments to know I am not a total loser.
The question remains, "Who am I?" There are most definitely many spiritual answers to this, but I'm speaking about actual self-awareness. How do I find out? Everyone's opinion will be different based on their experience with me. But combined I should get a pretty good idea.
I don't know where exactly I'm going with this, but I think most of us have a two-sided ego. One that thinks we're great, and one that thinks we're crap. Neither are probably right completely.
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