Questionaire

Hey kiddos,

I just put up a post on pragmatically charged, and would love any input I can get. The link to the post can be found here.

Ode To A Non-Friend

There is an unwelcome intruder on my ceiling
He is constantly wandering as he pleases
The sight of him gives me an uneasy feeling
Knowing full well he's bearing diseases

He has a strange fascination with my light
I think it's the reason that he's staying
I'd turn it off if it darkness wasn't my fright
Cause momma would stick me in a box for disobeying

Do I dare close my eyes and find some peace?
His motives for being here are still in question
And what if his exploration doesn't cease
His ultimate fate could come through my digestion

Crawling down my mouth and into my belly
Will he break apart like a time-release drug?
As my stomach acid liquefies him into a jelly
I'd dread my burps cause he is a stink bug

Why are you here, oh bug of the air?
When you know I could crunch you with hardly a thought
I pierce your soul with a penetrating glare
I'm jealous of you and the talent you've got

You're slow enough, you'd be easy to catch
I could killed you now with a sharp little dart
Even then you would still win the match
Because striking you dead would release your inner fart

You remain peaceful toward me while I make threats
Perhaps you have come to be my protector
Guarding me from my rival enemy, The Jets
Just promise me you won't be a defector

Certainly you are a sacred gift from the Lord
Saving me magically from any known issue
Ehh, screw it I'm bored
I'm just gonna squish you


Sorry that wasn't better. My standards are dwindling.

Hold On...

Today is Monday, meaning yesterday was Sunday, which was the last day of this year's Campus Life winter retreat, Fallout.

It's always a fun trip. Usually I am solely or at least largely, "Video Guy." But it's fun interacting with the kids, hanging out with Brooks, playing boxball, and seeing the kids enjoy my video. The last few years I've gone as more than just a video guy, also being a staff person with a student there. My cousin had been my only Campus Life student attending any of the trips, and because of that she would end up falling into the responsibility of another group, as I was largely preoccupied with videoing.

This year I had two new students and one of my volunteers, Jared, helping. I had a bit of help on the video end this year, which allowed me to participate more in the activities of Fallout, although I still did miss out on a few things. Part of me was glad I had to allow Jared to be more of a representative to the students there. I know he also formed much stronger bonds with the kids from spending more time with them, especially Jonathan, our only male student there. I'm a control freak, and someone who thinks I need to be a part of things for them to get done, but it's just not true, and I'm glad God helped show me the fruit of allowing others to step up in situations. Even now I feel less stressed about the future knowing I can let go of controlling a little easier, and hold on to those around me for help.

The theme this year was Hold On, and it turned out to be a great theme. The speaker was Don Talley, who is handicapped, in that he is one of only a few people in the world with a muscle condition that leaves him very weak (kind of like MS I think). He spoke of the hardship in his life from this disease showing itself in his physical limitations, emotion turmoil, and spiritual restlings. Through it all, he spoke about us holding onto God and God noticing us and making himself available to us. Frank, who organized the trip this year, also wrote out a lesson for the leaders (me included) to teach our designated group of students. This discussion focused on holding on to each other and being held on to. That is what a community based on love should be. It addressed masks we wear to cover who we really are, and not trusting others with who you really are, out of fear. We discussed how we help those wearing masks, and we can make a decision to take off our own masks, but one of the best parts of that, I think, was the time where students paired up with other students they didn't know so well, and they had an open discussion where they weren't hiding. They loved it, and I loved that they loved it. I truly hope they embrace a life without masks in their daily life. That they will learn to be open and real with those they come in contact with. That they will notice people as God notices us, and love them as God first loved us.

I was slightly nervous about speaking to a group of students that aren't my regulars. I'm not nervous about what they think, but maybe about measuring up against some of the other awesome leaders we have who are more experienced. But I do think our conversation went really well, and I hope that I helped bring forth God's Truth in an appropriate way.

So, now some of the less serious stuff of the weekend...
Brooks and I had a new driving buddy on the way up and back from Fallout... Katie, who always seems to hang out in the back booth with us, tagged along, which meant I had competition for the front seat. She also spilled her Mt. Dew in floor of the back seat, which she never told Brooks about.

I had video help from a guy named Justin. It was nice to have a bit more freedom, but I still got a lot of my own footage. When you've done this for as long as I have, it seems easier to just do it myself the way I want it, rather than getting stuff that isn't quite what I want.

There was a game we played where all the guys hold on tight to each other, and the girls have to try to pull the guys apart. My forearms felt like they were going to pop after that one. Then later I found tons of bruises all over my body from the girls ripping my limbs from the other guys. I also played boxball again this year and might have broken my finger (broke my nose last year). But I don't think it's really broken, just kind of messed up/swollen. It's my middle finger, so I flick off a lot of people wearing my splint.

I thought I would get done editing the Fallout video at a reasonable hour this year, since I already had the intro done and such, but that wasn't the case. I guess in my aged state I don't stay up late as well as I used to. Around 1AM I started dozing, and everything I went to watch a clip, I'd fall asleep for a few seconds and miss it. Thus editing took a really long time, and I didn't get to go to bed at all. No shower, no new clothes, no sleep until on the way home, I slept about 30 min. or so. I would have slept more if Brooks didn't play Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen... Katie and I broke out into a duet sing-along at the top of our lungs, and I was once again very awake.

So yeah, I was a walking zombie most of the day yesterday. I thought my video was kind of lamer than usual, but once it was ont he big screen I actually thought it was pretty good. I made fun of Dave (one of our staff) again this year. Last Fallout, he didn't participate in Boxball and the staff lost, so throughout the video I kept putting in text about Dave giving 100%, and then made fun of him for not giving 100% by not playing boxball. This year he played, so I did investigation breaks documenting him during boxball, mostly making fun of if he yawned or whatnot. I hope he's not mad at me. He really does a good job, I just do it for laughs from the kids.

So yeah, good trip overall... just one of my students when I asked her if she had a good time said "No. Did you expect anything else from me?" She was kind of sick, and also kind of a hypocondriac. It was stressful, but I do hope she got something out of it. She had tons of opportunities to have fun, and I think she had more than she admits, but most of the time she just chose not to join in. Bummer.

Campus Life is like family though. The testimonies at the end of the week attest to that. Students feel like they don't have to pretend they're something they're not. They can be themselves and be loved. I got caught up on a lot of hugs and loving words that I talked about needing in my previous post... plus we had a dance party the last night, courtesy of Brooks.

Trips like this show what Campus Life is really all about.

I'm really looking forward to Heatwave, and hope to be brining more students and staff.

Here's the weekend's video

When Life Gets Heavy

Life has been a bit confusing lately, and certainly not relaxing. Since graduating college and ignoring my degree I have had a rough time financially. I justified this as a venture towards a simple life as a means to have a more fulfilling existence and have a positive effect on the world. I recited this mantra in my head repeatedly, especially when I was faint of heart and light of wallet. I can remember times where I would sit on my bed in a buzzed (not buzzed with alcohol or narcotics) state of mind, just trying to strategize some sort of way to manifest the money I needed to pay my bills. What could I sell? What little job could I pick up? Does anybody owe me any money? It always seemed to end in me rolling the coins from my piggy bank.

The hidden question in my mind was, do I use this sense of righteous duty to the greater way as a cop out for being unsuccessful? Everyone did and does get on my case about finding a job. "Do you have a job yet?" Of course I do, it's a part time job, I've had it for a few years. "But you need to keep looking for something."

I'm not wealthy now. I'm probably not even close to middle class at this point. But I feel wealthier, especially compared to where I was just a few months ago. What I make with my regular salary is about enough to cover all my bills. I've also been getting quite a bit of computer tech/video work. I can afford to eat out every now and then now, I am affording some new equipment, and I am able to give more to people in need. I feel like I should say "good for me!" It's looking more and more like my video business could become something lucrative as word spreads. Success is within my grasp!

Money doesn't bring meaning or success to life. I'm seriously not opposed to people making money, and I'm glad I can put a little more into the church offering on a regular basis, but the busyness, stress, and distraction it has brought me makes me feel like a failure. I miss some of the spontaneity I strived for before, the time of reflection and thinking I allowed for myself, and the amount of time I spent seeking God. Sometimes I felt lazy as being someone who didn't have a job job, but instead would hang out with homeless people, think about stuff, read, debate with Mormons, and write blogs. Now I feel lazy for not doing those things like I should.

Should I be able to live both sides adequately? Maybe. I want to say yes, but I also feel like something is always sacrificed. If I really do have to choose, I think I prefer the one that brings me more peace. But maybe I am just lazy. Perhaps I can do all these things still, but in recent experience of trying, I have felt exhausted trying to do everything I should and want to do.

As I've considered all of these things I've realized how alone I am (or at least feel). It seems like I need to do everything for myself and help out other people with their stuff. I have almost no one looking out for me, or lessening my burden. I feel I should clarify... there are people like my volunteers with Campus Life, my family who has helped me out financially and other ways many times, and other friends who are there for me. But still overall I feel like the guy who needs to carry the world.

Even if I need to carry most of the things in my life, some good moral support would do wonders. I'm starved for affection. I find myself longing for a strong enduring hug that someone only gives you when they really care. I actually find myself going home to my mom's more often just so I can get a hug and kiss from my mom (whom most of you know I'm not all that close with). I've built the castle I'm living in. I'm typically not real touchy or affectionate, out of fear that it would be awkward or misconstrued or just because I never have been that way with so-and-so. But there's something special about being around people who love to embrace, encourage, and just plain love each other. It's freeing and life-giving.

My cousin Sam is a perfect example. When you talk to him he looks you in the eye. He cares. He talks loud and with passion. He loves to hug and kiss... and pinch cheeks. He's so uninhibited with displaying his affection. I love seeing him and I can't help but smile when he's around. When I experience his zest, I see hints of what I want my life to display.

I guess I should start being this a little more to those around me. Maybe we all should. I would imagine most of us could use a deep loving hug more than we admit. So next time you see me, don't be surprised to get a big hug... or if I don't why don't you surprise me with a big hug... and if you're daring, a sloppy kiss.

CRISIS: Identity

Who am I?

It's a good question.

I guess in a round about way I've been thinking about who I am lately.  I think of my desires, and ask if I'm really doing anything to achieve them.  I think of of some of my proclamations of things I believe in and occasionally wonder if I have anything solid backing it or do I just want to believe I'm right.  I have a mental picture of the type of personality I am, but am I looking in a circus mirror when I assess myself?

There is a Steve lurking inside that is pretty self-assured.  He believes that he has the makings of a pretty decent ladies' man.  He thinks deep down that he really does have an acceptionally functional brain, probably even much smarter than most people he meets.  Steve also sees little he couldn't tackle if he desired... musician, comedian, writer, physicist, politician, pastor, therapist, personal trainer... just a few of the many possibilities for such an up-and-comer.  He's also a guy who is aware of how super self-aware he is!  He will analyze and fix whatever issues are going on in his life before you even know they exist.  This guy knows that between his intellect, creativity, skills, great personality, and rigorous work-out routine, he is quite the catch as an acquaintance, friend, or if you're that lucky, boyfriend.

This is a potentially arrogant, but confident Steve.  This is the Steve that sees himself in a vacuum, possibly comparing himself to others, as he sees them in their own vacuum.  This Steve views himself from a vantage point outside of the context of his day to day actions/life.  There is a Steve that sees himself in context of his life... but he's a completely different Steve.

Comparisons look very different under the light of the reality, rather than the glow of fantasy.  A short, average, ignorant, white guy who sometimes just tries too hard to be what he thinks he already is.  Someone who has a job working with high school kids because everyone his own age is progressing in life as he treads water.  The Steve who spends so much time applauding his own thoughts that he doesn't continue to learn and develop his mind.  This is the kind of guy who craves an affirming word and many times goes out of his way to do nice things for recognition.  Most of the time when he looks around he notices just how alone and lonely he is, and that tells him about the kind of person he is.  There is a sense of paranoia that surrounds him, in that he feels he can't know himself fully because culturally correct people say nice things rather than true things, and thus give him no true mirror through which to see his actual reflection.

It's a full out battle between the two Steve's, trying to reconcile one complete person.  Certainly neither of them are fully correct.  It's natural to want to encourage someone that they are all the good qualities (like Steve 1 believes), but I've caught enough stray reflections in the world to deduct that I am not as great as Steve 1 thinks.  I've also had enough sincere compliments to know I am not a total loser.

The question remains, "Who am I?"  There are most definitely many spiritual answers to this, but I'm speaking about actual self-awareness.  How do I find out?  Everyone's opinion will be different based on their experience with me.  But combined I should get a pretty good idea.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this, but I think most of us have a two-sided ego.  One that thinks we're great, and one that thinks we're crap.  Neither are probably right completely.  

Vids

I am returned.  I feel like when you use the word "am" in the stead of "have" it makes one sound much more confident, royal, and  British.  I desire to be all of these, but unfortunately am none.  Then again, maybe using "am" there is plain incorrect grammar.

Grammar is a funny word.  I think it should end in an "er" rather than "ar."  I also believe it should be a term for a grandmother, who knows how to rock out.  The kind of grandmother that will have her teenage grandkids say "Grammer, you really messed up that dude in the mosh pit."  Then grammer bakes cookies to cheer up the kid that she tore up at the show.  That's grammer!  GrammAr is just some gunk you get on the bottom of your shoe.  "Ah man, I just stepped in grammar.  It'll take me forever to get this off."  Grammar is that gunk you can't wash off... well you could, but you don't want to touch it at all.  You will only clean it via indirect spray from a faucet.  So instead you complain about the grammar on your shoe, while doing nothing about it, hoping that friction-esque erosion will handle the problem in due time.

Life has felt pretty busy lately, which is usually what I say when I come back from not blogging for a bit.  I've been getting a few more video jobs and doing a lot with Youth for Christ, plus I am adding to my list of friends I am trying to help in charity (whether financial or relational or both), so I guess I feel like I'm in demand. 

Last night was our Youth For Christ - Campus Life banquet.  I am always a pretty behind the scenes guy there.  But I spent many hours editing some videos together, that I got footage for on Tuesday.  I'm posting the five short videos I made for last night.

I feel a lot of times like my video work is more of a hobby than anything... like it's just some cute little thing I do.  Maybe it's because my work doesn't end up on TV or because so much of what I do involves youth or churches, and not as often professional, corporate pieces.  But I guess I do a good, professional job at what I do.  And thankfully I am getting more calls about doing video work lately.  I was hoping video stuff would pick up so I can afford to live.  I think it'll just keep getting better as time goes on and people get to see my work.

This all is just in wait for the big collaboration of minds in creating a commercial-creating force of elite minds and wits.  We all know it's coming.  Ben, Steve, Jason, Anthony, Jess, and whatever other stragglers find their way in.  We will make your business boom with multi-product inclusion in the same ad, such as "Converse... Got Milk?"  And breakthrough two-in-one inventions like Dr. Lube (the first ever engine de-greaser, soft drink), SPF Whip (our sunscreen mayonnaise), and TP Tie (Toilet paper tie, convenience meets fashion).  Plus concepts that are fun and can be formatted to endorse any product like "The Video Edit-tor," and the missile launching attack helicopter that guards against speeding ("Speed enforced by aircraft").  And don't forget about our new Prime Time Show "Si-Esse (CSI) Mexico."

We're totally going to blow Nutrigrain out of the water!

Ok, I'm going for now.  I am going to relax after my stressful last few days.

Holy Macramony

Isn't she just glowing?

So I finally did it. Some people say men have a hard time with commitment. I usually take people like that and give them a big bear hug, until I realize I don't think I know them well enough to be giving them a hug. But gosh-darnit (thanks Palin) I did commit myself... and no, not to a psych ward, but to a beautiful blushing (seriously, look) bride. Adorned with her 8 carat solid state diamond engagement ring, come Wednesday (or whenever she gets shipped to me) I will look her all over, gaze into her glossy screen, tickle her elegant multi-touch trackpad, and dual-boot her with OSX and XP!

Did I take that too far? I didn't think so.

There are a few things left to be desired in a Mac, or even additions I didn't like. Let's get the negative out of the way...

1. Glossy screen. What the heck, super glare except in total dark.
2. No Blu-ray. Other laptops offer it, why not a Macbook PRO?
3. Taking away all my ports. I understand less ports mean you can make a smaller, light laptop, but I like firewire 400, I like an s-video out, I like a third USB port... but I guess I can deal.
4. No major processor upgrade/quad-core processing. I know it's probably a battery drain, but it would seem neat. There were some bumps in processor though.

Ok, now what I'm excited about...

1. The new design looks pretty nice, although I'm not too picky either way.
2. New process of making the laptop case from a single piece of aluminum is supposed to make it very solid and lighter.
3. Glass trackpad. I hear it has a great feel, and I'm sure Apple will keep inplementing more multi-touch gesture for it as time goes on.
4. iSight. This isn't a new feature at all, but it is to me. I really do want to try the video chat, or maybe doing some video blogs. SWEET!
5. Sweet hard drive. Now they have 7200rpm 320GB laptop hard drive for this piece. My old laptop had a 5200rpm 100GB. This is soo much better!
6. Two GPU (Graphics Processing Units). Right now these are mildly cool, but come the new Mac OS, Snow Leopard, I know that the GPU not being used will be able to help aid your processor with OpenCL, in running programs etc. And that will speed stuff up like crazy, ye-ah.
7. Macs are also much more environmentally friendly now, which I put down here because I should care... I don't care so much in actuality right now, but deep down I do.
8. Actually using Apple software to use in creating sweet videos (even though this isn't just about the new Macbook Pro, but Mac in general).
   

For some more info and pics you can go here.

I've been wating over a year for this laptop, and now it's so close. I do think having a laptop will help me in my learning and writing. It's much easier to type than write and most of you know I have terrible penmanship... although Mike says paper is more reliable than a computer as far as saving your writing.

Things I want to do with my mac...

1. Learn Final Cut Pro
2. Learn Motion and Live Type
3. Play with Logic, so I can start composing music again
4. Recreate my website
5. Make it sing The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song in text to speech
   
6. Take over the world

Ok, I know my blog demographic is not hip to or interested in this Apple tech stuff, so I'll go to bed now.