When Life Gets Heavy

Life has been a bit confusing lately, and certainly not relaxing. Since graduating college and ignoring my degree I have had a rough time financially. I justified this as a venture towards a simple life as a means to have a more fulfilling existence and have a positive effect on the world. I recited this mantra in my head repeatedly, especially when I was faint of heart and light of wallet. I can remember times where I would sit on my bed in a buzzed (not buzzed with alcohol or narcotics) state of mind, just trying to strategize some sort of way to manifest the money I needed to pay my bills. What could I sell? What little job could I pick up? Does anybody owe me any money? It always seemed to end in me rolling the coins from my piggy bank.

The hidden question in my mind was, do I use this sense of righteous duty to the greater way as a cop out for being unsuccessful? Everyone did and does get on my case about finding a job. "Do you have a job yet?" Of course I do, it's a part time job, I've had it for a few years. "But you need to keep looking for something."

I'm not wealthy now. I'm probably not even close to middle class at this point. But I feel wealthier, especially compared to where I was just a few months ago. What I make with my regular salary is about enough to cover all my bills. I've also been getting quite a bit of computer tech/video work. I can afford to eat out every now and then now, I am affording some new equipment, and I am able to give more to people in need. I feel like I should say "good for me!" It's looking more and more like my video business could become something lucrative as word spreads. Success is within my grasp!

Money doesn't bring meaning or success to life. I'm seriously not opposed to people making money, and I'm glad I can put a little more into the church offering on a regular basis, but the busyness, stress, and distraction it has brought me makes me feel like a failure. I miss some of the spontaneity I strived for before, the time of reflection and thinking I allowed for myself, and the amount of time I spent seeking God. Sometimes I felt lazy as being someone who didn't have a job job, but instead would hang out with homeless people, think about stuff, read, debate with Mormons, and write blogs. Now I feel lazy for not doing those things like I should.

Should I be able to live both sides adequately? Maybe. I want to say yes, but I also feel like something is always sacrificed. If I really do have to choose, I think I prefer the one that brings me more peace. But maybe I am just lazy. Perhaps I can do all these things still, but in recent experience of trying, I have felt exhausted trying to do everything I should and want to do.

As I've considered all of these things I've realized how alone I am (or at least feel). It seems like I need to do everything for myself and help out other people with their stuff. I have almost no one looking out for me, or lessening my burden. I feel I should clarify... there are people like my volunteers with Campus Life, my family who has helped me out financially and other ways many times, and other friends who are there for me. But still overall I feel like the guy who needs to carry the world.

Even if I need to carry most of the things in my life, some good moral support would do wonders. I'm starved for affection. I find myself longing for a strong enduring hug that someone only gives you when they really care. I actually find myself going home to my mom's more often just so I can get a hug and kiss from my mom (whom most of you know I'm not all that close with). I've built the castle I'm living in. I'm typically not real touchy or affectionate, out of fear that it would be awkward or misconstrued or just because I never have been that way with so-and-so. But there's something special about being around people who love to embrace, encourage, and just plain love each other. It's freeing and life-giving.

My cousin Sam is a perfect example. When you talk to him he looks you in the eye. He cares. He talks loud and with passion. He loves to hug and kiss... and pinch cheeks. He's so uninhibited with displaying his affection. I love seeing him and I can't help but smile when he's around. When I experience his zest, I see hints of what I want my life to display.

I guess I should start being this a little more to those around me. Maybe we all should. I would imagine most of us could use a deep loving hug more than we admit. So next time you see me, don't be surprised to get a big hug... or if I don't why don't you surprise me with a big hug... and if you're daring, a sloppy kiss.