(Don't) Stop This Train

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I've decided I do want to reinstate my blogging expedition. It keeps me from taking life for granted, and almost puts me outside myself as a third-party observer who can remind myself when I need to stop and consider a happening or musing more greatly. I've been journaling a smidge (but not enough); however, I see the benefit of a public forum for some of this as well. And I feel as though I need to keep 'Big Brother' from feeling too left out.

Typically I would return with a triumphal reentry stating all of my recent conquests of life, and there are some, but I probably won't do too much of that now. I do feel like this will be a post that many (if many or any ever read this) will greatly relate to.

I have been listening to some John Mayer in my car recently, from time to time. There is a song that has always hit the nail on the head for me, even when I don't "feel it," I know it's just as true a desire. As the title would suggest, this song is Stop This Train.

I think the one word that strikes a chord of reverberation is that word "home." Home has such connotative weight that it can only be called divine in it's message. The universality of the impact found in such a simple uttering is amazing. When you say, "I just feel like I want to go home," and whoever around you knows you don't mean it literally... they know exactly what you mean.

You long for a comfort. One reminiscent of simple times, but not confined by any experience we've had. It's as if "home" is the recognition in our souls that there is a home of permanence that we have yet to savor, allowing only a taste to tease our tongue for the time being. Meanwhile, we set mental images and memories of times past as placeholders to reference the longing we feel. For me, at least previously, I would remember those twilight moments between sleep and wake, where your eyelids are sore under the burden of consciousness, your mind is in a limbo of calm, and you force yourself to be present at the line between two destinations. For me, this was usually found past my bedtime, laying on my mom's bed with the TV on, although no attention was being paid to it, prodding myself to stay awake with my eyes closed. I don't know why moments as these stick out in my mind, but they were total relaxation, free from care; just... being.

I don't feel this anymore. Life is too busy and full of worries to really relax by myself on such terms. No, I presently require distraction to find any peace, and scent of 'home.' A night of old friends whom I'm completely myself and comfortable around or the cradling of one cherished within my arms are the few places of refuge from concern. It saddens me how rarely I can be fully, blissfully distracted toward the real peace of Home by God's presence. I can be motivated by, instructed toward, and passionate for Home; but I rarely taste its peace, which I believe is the elixir my mouth is dry for.

Surely the house I am building to dwell in is one of dry rot. My sin and worry, rooted in my "maturing" and responsibilities has compromised the structural integrity of the Home I wish to discover. I no longer can picture it, I can merely remember picturing it in the past, when I was young and pure. Isn't it amazing the capacity of purity in youth. It is a pitcher that shrinks back with adulthood. Perhaps this is the very reason I wish to "stop this train." When you lose your direction, when you have no vision of where you are going, it's a much scarier ride.

I have gained head knowledge, and perhaps even faith, but it is in purity that we are able to see the beacon which steers us home. No matter how great my map is, there is always a sense of uncertainty and fear in reaching your destination when the fog of life pollutes your sight. Surely you may, and probably will, reach said destination if you are steady, brave, and persevering; but oh what a strain it is to seek without eyes of purity, and what risk of abandoning your quest without assurance.

It's always going to feel like life is going a bit too fast for us. We're rarely going to feel confident with our ability to cope, adapt, and continue. So often we're going to feel like we're running on our heals instead of our toes; this awkward progression forth while leaning back the entire time leaves us feeling as though we could fall on our face at any moment... and knowing ourselves... probably will. We will always seek the peace and comfort of "home," and we will always be perplexed by what that even means. "Life" will distract us from our underlying insecurity "'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark." We are minuscule, finite human beings, who are made to believe that they ought to have everything figured out. It's a tall order, and an intimidating odyssey. Understanding where the dwelling of Peace lies, and being able to see Him with your own eyes of purity (even if just glimmers at a time) will keep you confident in the course your map has plotted. It is then that you can state confidently and in expectancy, "Don't stop this train, it's leading me HOME!"

"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God."

- Matthew 5:8

Naturally 7

These guys are pretty amazing. The name of the group is Naturally7 I forget how I came across them, but if you appreciate music, and the art of a cappella singing (or just R&B) "you gonna like it!"

This band does all their own instrumentation sounds, which until you see them, you probably wouldn't believe they aren't real instruments. Rockapella, eat your heart out!

This Review Left Me "Howling"

I stumbled across the link to this review in a comment from another blog.

I enjoyed it greatly, and hopefully you will too.

Now I feel like I MUST have this shirt!

B. Govern, you da man!

Da Da Da (have I used this before?)

I'm excited for tomorrow. By some point tomorrow I should officially be done with all my big summer projects! I am under the impression that I will then get my life back. I could be wrong, but I'm hoping I'm not. My work ethic is slowing with the vision of rest in sight, thus pushing back more and more my actual time of vacation.

Even with these projects ending, it doesn't mean I will have nothing going on. My work on the Montour Football Highlight Video has just started and I have some home video conversions lined up, as well as some other work. But what I really want to do now is cook, read, hang with friends, and relax on my porch. Unfortunately I am ending my work as many others are beginning their work/school. But I'll still find some fun to have!

So I was driving down Rt. 60 today and there was a guy walking. As I approached him, there it came... the thumb. It was second nature once I saw it. Come to a stop, hit the hazard lights, and wait for his approach. I wasn't nervous... well I guess there is that initial thought, but it literally lasted all but 5 seconds. The man was dressed a little sloppy, but seemed like a good enough guy. I figured he might be homeless or poor, but he wasn't. He was just drunk. 3PM and he was drunk, walking home from the bar.

I found out his name was Tony, he's been married and divorced twice, he has a daughter, he's retired, and he's about to have his license taken away for DUI. He dropped the F-bomb a few times, blaming it on him being either drunk or stupid each time. I honestly wouldn't have known he was drunk if he hadn't said anything. I think this is more of a slap in the face to the appearance and speech of the typical Pittsburgher than it is a praising of Tony's composure under drunkenness or a revealing of my lack of discernment of drunken behavior.

Regardless, I drove Tony home, and he seemed appreciative and somewhat apologetic. I kind of wished I had mentioned Jesus to him, although I'm pretty sure he would not have seen it as a feasible option for himself. It's such a sad state where a man of his age is in a poor place.

Speaking of which, my homeless friend Raymond was on the news. He called me today to let me know, so I looked it up. Raymond is talking about the stuff they're going to get him from him being on the news, like getting his old job back, getting money to go to school, and maybe some other stuff. I'm not quite so certain he's going to get all these handouts because he was on TV for 10 seconds, but we'll see. Regardless he seems pretty set on getting his life in order. He wants to get his own place, get a job, and go to school to be an x-ray tech. I hope he really takes the steps to attain those things; although once he does, I think he'll still be somewhat lost. There's only so much I can do.

I think I'm going to start taking ballroom dance lessons at CMU. I would like some people (or at least a lady) to start going with me. Let me know if anyone is interested. You really don't need a partner to go, it's just my personal preference. Anyway, it's only $3 and is usually Wednesday nights.

I wish I had some funny story to add to this blog, but I can't think of any at the moment. Hopefully I'll be on here more with my free time approaching!

Be good, stay in school.

Freak Out

I'm supposed to be preparing to leave for the Big Wow tomorrow... but I'm not. I'm stupid. Instead I'm being entertained by these incredible Greatest Freak Out Ever videos on Youtube. I'll ruin it for you and let you know they're fake... part of me is happy for the world that they are fake. But it's so insane... especially the first one. If you're into remixes, check out this remix!

In additional new, I witnessed a car accident today. I was cruising down a suburban road, just getting past the road construction, when the truck in front of my smashes into a parked car. It's not like he was swerving at all, he just drifted right into the side of the car as if it were invisible. The car was smashed pretty good, and the trucks front right tire completely came off; surprising I thought. The dude pulls right into a driveway after the accident, with his three wheels. The guy was kind of old, but not really old. Somewhat strange seeming. I don't know if he was drunk, losing his mind, or just distracted... maybe all of the above.

Anyway, I helped them roll the heavy detached tire and axle off the road and then helped clean the hard plastic fragments off the road. Once I told the police what happened I left. I wish that story was more exciting. Oh yeah, the guy was my dad. Ok, not really.

I was going to throw in a "shooting" joke to add excitement, but that seems horribly inappropriate due to the shooting tragedy from last night. Amazingly it was world news. And sadly one of my friends knows one of those who died in the shooting. It's such a sad situation.

Well this is mostly a boring post on my end, but we'll leave it at that, for I must go.

Movie Star

I've been working a ton lately, trying to get all my projects finished and duplicated for various clients. It was so bad that I typically would go to bed at 12 or 1AM and have to wake up at 4 to continue working for the next 18+ hours. I was really starting to lose it.

But last week I finished some of the more pressing videos, and after nearly 6 days of barely stepping foot outside of my room, I needed some interaction. I called up Kristin and told her I required somewhere social to unwind; out 'n about. I went and picked her up, and she got all made up, like we were going somewhere nice... meanwhile I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt, looking like poo from lack of sleep and negligence of hygiene. But we ventured off.

We stopped at Kristin's old Oakland pad, Ophelia St, to recruit other party people. We chatted it up with her old roommate Alyssa for a bit and then headed off to Hemmingway's with no additional members. I got some food, and then Kristin and I had a few drinks, not something I do very often. It was really a lot of fun, me and sis chillin' in da bar. I got a call while I was there from my friend Jess. She was being an extra for the movie Warrior, starring Nick Nolte. Extras had to be there at 3:30PM, and at this point it was almost 11PM. Yet, she told me they were most likely still looking for people. So I took Kristin home, stopped at my place to pick up three changes of clothes and some snackage to bring for the ride. The shoot was at the Twin Highway Drive-In, a nostalgic remembrance from my childhood.

When I arrived there was a crane there holding this large UFO looking light contraption, since it was dark they needed a ton of light. Pretty neat. I found my way to talk to the lady in charge of extras. She made me wait for wardrobe. So I waited, and waited, and waited... for over an hour. Then finally she tells me to go out to get my car for another scene, and this one guy would come find me. I sat in my car for what I think was an hour and a half or two, but it was hard to keep track because I was dozing. It's about 2:30AM by the time the parking lot scene (which I wasn't a part of) is over and I follow all those extras back into the main shooting area. Finally I become part of the shoot, and I find my friend Jess.

It really wasn't all that glamorous. I would walk through shots. I would watch the fight they showed on the screen and react with cheers or boo's, and of course the ever popular chant "MIS-TER-C, MIS-TER-C!" It's hard to be energetic at 5AM. But Jess and I met two girls there, who were pretty cool. We'd joke about things, and what was offered at the fake snack bar. I also saw the dad from Transformers eating at the food table; so star struck! (not really) Shooting ended at about 6AM, when the sun was coming up.

Now this is a paid gig. I think it pays a little over $7/hr, and overtime is around $10/hr. I was there for 6 hours, but the lady was nice and marked me as getting there at 2:30PM instead of 11:40PM. So I got 15 1/2 hours of paid extra work! NICE. Even though I had been working since 4:30 the previous morning, it was still a cool experience.

In other news, I am now the proud owner of a djembe. I decided I wanted to start playing it, since I know some others who do, and they look pretty awesome drumming. Found one on Craigslist for $140, about $80 off retail. It's in new condition, I think the tag was still on it. Plays awesome! And I just bought a harness for it, so I can walk around playing. It's really a lot of fun, I'll find myself jamming out to some tunes (especially Rusted Root) for hours easy. So just when you thought you had Steve firmly positioned on your felt board of awesomeness, you realize he must be cranked up several more levels, which then makes you realize, "I need a taller felt board."

On a more inward look of life, I need to make some changes. I need to prioritize what NEEDS to be a regular activities in my life, non-negotiable. I've lost Sabbath for months now. I need to break and relax in God. I need to be in his Word more frequently than life has 'allowed' me. I haven't been reading or studying. I enjoy life so much more when I can relax and strive for what I feel is the most important, God, knowledge, and relationships. Just another reason I shouldn't be blogging right now.

Pubelic Humiliation

I received a call from my darling little cousin Tierney a few weeks ago. She left a message saying, "Oh my God Steve! I can't believe... hold on your mom is calling me... click" What kind of message is that. What a little sharkface! So I called her back from her abandoned message and here's what the message was regarding... I'll include the backstory.

Alright, so a few weeks ago I informed the world at large of my move to shave "the gotee" out of my life. And I did. An item that incites as much emotional reaction as a grotesque gotee must not be eradicated from a peoples without some great action to accompany it. Thus I decided to inform my gotee's two most distinct rivals of their ultimate victory over the feared beard. So I did what any rational human being would do... I saved the hair I shaved off, separated it into two equal groups, and inserted into two envelopes. On one, I wrote "Mom," on the other I wrote "Tammy." I must inform those who do not know, I am my mother's only child, so she had an easy enough time knowing that the contents of the envelope (not containing a "From") were indeed from her beloved child, how proud she was. My aunt (Tammy), however, was not given the clue of "Aunt" preceding her name to allow her to know that the envelope was from me.

Upon opening the envelope and finding it full of short curly hairs, she freaked out. She had no clue who it was from... negligence on my part. My mom found her envelope first and told me I should put a "from" on it for my aunt, but my car was in the shop and I wasn't able to make it over there to correct my mistake. Annnnnyway, my aunt, in her panic, calls the cops. They show up and she wants them to get fingerprints. They exclaim "We can't get fingerprints off of hair." "THE ENVELOPE, GET THEM OFF THE ENVELOPE!" my aunt calmly responds.

She's wondering who would do such a thing. They have a maid also named Tammy who was there the previous day, and they wonder if it was hers. Who would commit such a hate crime? What sick-minded pervert could possibly have the audacity to disgust a decent American family with such a lewd act?

Her daughters are telling her that it must be a joke. But my aunt is still freaked until she finds out (dun, dun, dunnnnnn) it was me. Once she discovers the culprit, she thinks it's hysterical. She calls my other aunt, Trina, and they laugh until they almost pee. I had heavily considered splitting the hair into three parts, and including Trina, since she despised it too. I'm just glad Tammy wasn't mad. And days later when I visited, the envelope was sitting next to their kitchen sink, as if it was waiting to be used or further discussed when company was over. Weird... but so am I.