Pubelic Humiliation

I received a call from my darling little cousin Tierney a few weeks ago. She left a message saying, "Oh my God Steve! I can't believe... hold on your mom is calling me... click" What kind of message is that. What a little sharkface! So I called her back from her abandoned message and here's what the message was regarding... I'll include the backstory.

Alright, so a few weeks ago I informed the world at large of my move to shave "the gotee" out of my life. And I did. An item that incites as much emotional reaction as a grotesque gotee must not be eradicated from a peoples without some great action to accompany it. Thus I decided to inform my gotee's two most distinct rivals of their ultimate victory over the feared beard. So I did what any rational human being would do... I saved the hair I shaved off, separated it into two equal groups, and inserted into two envelopes. On one, I wrote "Mom," on the other I wrote "Tammy." I must inform those who do not know, I am my mother's only child, so she had an easy enough time knowing that the contents of the envelope (not containing a "From") were indeed from her beloved child, how proud she was. My aunt (Tammy), however, was not given the clue of "Aunt" preceding her name to allow her to know that the envelope was from me.

Upon opening the envelope and finding it full of short curly hairs, she freaked out. She had no clue who it was from... negligence on my part. My mom found her envelope first and told me I should put a "from" on it for my aunt, but my car was in the shop and I wasn't able to make it over there to correct my mistake. Annnnnyway, my aunt, in her panic, calls the cops. They show up and she wants them to get fingerprints. They exclaim "We can't get fingerprints off of hair." "THE ENVELOPE, GET THEM OFF THE ENVELOPE!" my aunt calmly responds.

She's wondering who would do such a thing. They have a maid also named Tammy who was there the previous day, and they wonder if it was hers. Who would commit such a hate crime? What sick-minded pervert could possibly have the audacity to disgust a decent American family with such a lewd act?

Her daughters are telling her that it must be a joke. But my aunt is still freaked until she finds out (dun, dun, dunnnnnn) it was me. Once she discovers the culprit, she thinks it's hysterical. She calls my other aunt, Trina, and they laugh until they almost pee. I had heavily considered splitting the hair into three parts, and including Trina, since she despised it too. I'm just glad Tammy wasn't mad. And days later when I visited, the envelope was sitting next to their kitchen sink, as if it was waiting to be used or further discussed when company was over. Weird... but so am I.