When Life Gets Heavy

Life has been a bit confusing lately, and certainly not relaxing. Since graduating college and ignoring my degree I have had a rough time financially. I justified this as a venture towards a simple life as a means to have a more fulfilling existence and have a positive effect on the world. I recited this mantra in my head repeatedly, especially when I was faint of heart and light of wallet. I can remember times where I would sit on my bed in a buzzed (not buzzed with alcohol or narcotics) state of mind, just trying to strategize some sort of way to manifest the money I needed to pay my bills. What could I sell? What little job could I pick up? Does anybody owe me any money? It always seemed to end in me rolling the coins from my piggy bank.

The hidden question in my mind was, do I use this sense of righteous duty to the greater way as a cop out for being unsuccessful? Everyone did and does get on my case about finding a job. "Do you have a job yet?" Of course I do, it's a part time job, I've had it for a few years. "But you need to keep looking for something."

I'm not wealthy now. I'm probably not even close to middle class at this point. But I feel wealthier, especially compared to where I was just a few months ago. What I make with my regular salary is about enough to cover all my bills. I've also been getting quite a bit of computer tech/video work. I can afford to eat out every now and then now, I am affording some new equipment, and I am able to give more to people in need. I feel like I should say "good for me!" It's looking more and more like my video business could become something lucrative as word spreads. Success is within my grasp!

Money doesn't bring meaning or success to life. I'm seriously not opposed to people making money, and I'm glad I can put a little more into the church offering on a regular basis, but the busyness, stress, and distraction it has brought me makes me feel like a failure. I miss some of the spontaneity I strived for before, the time of reflection and thinking I allowed for myself, and the amount of time I spent seeking God. Sometimes I felt lazy as being someone who didn't have a job job, but instead would hang out with homeless people, think about stuff, read, debate with Mormons, and write blogs. Now I feel lazy for not doing those things like I should.

Should I be able to live both sides adequately? Maybe. I want to say yes, but I also feel like something is always sacrificed. If I really do have to choose, I think I prefer the one that brings me more peace. But maybe I am just lazy. Perhaps I can do all these things still, but in recent experience of trying, I have felt exhausted trying to do everything I should and want to do.

As I've considered all of these things I've realized how alone I am (or at least feel). It seems like I need to do everything for myself and help out other people with their stuff. I have almost no one looking out for me, or lessening my burden. I feel I should clarify... there are people like my volunteers with Campus Life, my family who has helped me out financially and other ways many times, and other friends who are there for me. But still overall I feel like the guy who needs to carry the world.

Even if I need to carry most of the things in my life, some good moral support would do wonders. I'm starved for affection. I find myself longing for a strong enduring hug that someone only gives you when they really care. I actually find myself going home to my mom's more often just so I can get a hug and kiss from my mom (whom most of you know I'm not all that close with). I've built the castle I'm living in. I'm typically not real touchy or affectionate, out of fear that it would be awkward or misconstrued or just because I never have been that way with so-and-so. But there's something special about being around people who love to embrace, encourage, and just plain love each other. It's freeing and life-giving.

My cousin Sam is a perfect example. When you talk to him he looks you in the eye. He cares. He talks loud and with passion. He loves to hug and kiss... and pinch cheeks. He's so uninhibited with displaying his affection. I love seeing him and I can't help but smile when he's around. When I experience his zest, I see hints of what I want my life to display.

I guess I should start being this a little more to those around me. Maybe we all should. I would imagine most of us could use a deep loving hug more than we admit. So next time you see me, don't be surprised to get a big hug... or if I don't why don't you surprise me with a big hug... and if you're daring, a sloppy kiss.

CRISIS: Identity

Who am I?

It's a good question.

I guess in a round about way I've been thinking about who I am lately.  I think of my desires, and ask if I'm really doing anything to achieve them.  I think of of some of my proclamations of things I believe in and occasionally wonder if I have anything solid backing it or do I just want to believe I'm right.  I have a mental picture of the type of personality I am, but am I looking in a circus mirror when I assess myself?

There is a Steve lurking inside that is pretty self-assured.  He believes that he has the makings of a pretty decent ladies' man.  He thinks deep down that he really does have an acceptionally functional brain, probably even much smarter than most people he meets.  Steve also sees little he couldn't tackle if he desired... musician, comedian, writer, physicist, politician, pastor, therapist, personal trainer... just a few of the many possibilities for such an up-and-comer.  He's also a guy who is aware of how super self-aware he is!  He will analyze and fix whatever issues are going on in his life before you even know they exist.  This guy knows that between his intellect, creativity, skills, great personality, and rigorous work-out routine, he is quite the catch as an acquaintance, friend, or if you're that lucky, boyfriend.

This is a potentially arrogant, but confident Steve.  This is the Steve that sees himself in a vacuum, possibly comparing himself to others, as he sees them in their own vacuum.  This Steve views himself from a vantage point outside of the context of his day to day actions/life.  There is a Steve that sees himself in context of his life... but he's a completely different Steve.

Comparisons look very different under the light of the reality, rather than the glow of fantasy.  A short, average, ignorant, white guy who sometimes just tries too hard to be what he thinks he already is.  Someone who has a job working with high school kids because everyone his own age is progressing in life as he treads water.  The Steve who spends so much time applauding his own thoughts that he doesn't continue to learn and develop his mind.  This is the kind of guy who craves an affirming word and many times goes out of his way to do nice things for recognition.  Most of the time when he looks around he notices just how alone and lonely he is, and that tells him about the kind of person he is.  There is a sense of paranoia that surrounds him, in that he feels he can't know himself fully because culturally correct people say nice things rather than true things, and thus give him no true mirror through which to see his actual reflection.

It's a full out battle between the two Steve's, trying to reconcile one complete person.  Certainly neither of them are fully correct.  It's natural to want to encourage someone that they are all the good qualities (like Steve 1 believes), but I've caught enough stray reflections in the world to deduct that I am not as great as Steve 1 thinks.  I've also had enough sincere compliments to know I am not a total loser.

The question remains, "Who am I?"  There are most definitely many spiritual answers to this, but I'm speaking about actual self-awareness.  How do I find out?  Everyone's opinion will be different based on their experience with me.  But combined I should get a pretty good idea.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this, but I think most of us have a two-sided ego.  One that thinks we're great, and one that thinks we're crap.  Neither are probably right completely.  

Vids

I am returned.  I feel like when you use the word "am" in the stead of "have" it makes one sound much more confident, royal, and  British.  I desire to be all of these, but unfortunately am none.  Then again, maybe using "am" there is plain incorrect grammar.

Grammar is a funny word.  I think it should end in an "er" rather than "ar."  I also believe it should be a term for a grandmother, who knows how to rock out.  The kind of grandmother that will have her teenage grandkids say "Grammer, you really messed up that dude in the mosh pit."  Then grammer bakes cookies to cheer up the kid that she tore up at the show.  That's grammer!  GrammAr is just some gunk you get on the bottom of your shoe.  "Ah man, I just stepped in grammar.  It'll take me forever to get this off."  Grammar is that gunk you can't wash off... well you could, but you don't want to touch it at all.  You will only clean it via indirect spray from a faucet.  So instead you complain about the grammar on your shoe, while doing nothing about it, hoping that friction-esque erosion will handle the problem in due time.

Life has felt pretty busy lately, which is usually what I say when I come back from not blogging for a bit.  I've been getting a few more video jobs and doing a lot with Youth for Christ, plus I am adding to my list of friends I am trying to help in charity (whether financial or relational or both), so I guess I feel like I'm in demand. 

Last night was our Youth For Christ - Campus Life banquet.  I am always a pretty behind the scenes guy there.  But I spent many hours editing some videos together, that I got footage for on Tuesday.  I'm posting the five short videos I made for last night.

I feel a lot of times like my video work is more of a hobby than anything... like it's just some cute little thing I do.  Maybe it's because my work doesn't end up on TV or because so much of what I do involves youth or churches, and not as often professional, corporate pieces.  But I guess I do a good, professional job at what I do.  And thankfully I am getting more calls about doing video work lately.  I was hoping video stuff would pick up so I can afford to live.  I think it'll just keep getting better as time goes on and people get to see my work.

This all is just in wait for the big collaboration of minds in creating a commercial-creating force of elite minds and wits.  We all know it's coming.  Ben, Steve, Jason, Anthony, Jess, and whatever other stragglers find their way in.  We will make your business boom with multi-product inclusion in the same ad, such as "Converse... Got Milk?"  And breakthrough two-in-one inventions like Dr. Lube (the first ever engine de-greaser, soft drink), SPF Whip (our sunscreen mayonnaise), and TP Tie (Toilet paper tie, convenience meets fashion).  Plus concepts that are fun and can be formatted to endorse any product like "The Video Edit-tor," and the missile launching attack helicopter that guards against speeding ("Speed enforced by aircraft").  And don't forget about our new Prime Time Show "Si-Esse (CSI) Mexico."

We're totally going to blow Nutrigrain out of the water!

Ok, I'm going for now.  I am going to relax after my stressful last few days.