Perplexed

I am so totally confused how I am two different men.

I am he who does right, and he who does very wrong.

I am the one everyone considers very selfless and charitable, yet I seek my own good above all else.

I am the most caring, compassionate back-stabber you will ever meet.

In the same day I bring upon one undeserved turmoil and frustration and on others I bring intimacy, openness, relationship, and peace.

Do I walk in the one Will, or am I split between two paths simultaneously?

All I know is that I seem to matter most.

It's Been A While... And It'll Be A While

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I tried on a few occasions, but then would get distracted and such.

Life has been busy. I was working non-stop for a few weeks in June. Lots of editing both for my jobs and for Warhola, plus Campus Life. I also had some dance recitals to shoot... three performances in one day. I have built my new computer and it's working pretty well, just need to work out a few kinks.

My friend Raymond got kicked out of his subsidized housing. His married girlfriend complained about him locking her in his room or something. He said she shouldn't have said that and he was not guilty of doing such a thing, but just argued with her a bit. I talked to this woman on the phone and she agreed she thought she HAD to write him up, but wouldn't have if she knew it wasn't a requirement. Raymond will point fingers and blame people, but he is ultimately to blame.

I drove to his place and loaded up my car with whatever stuff of his would fit. I was upset that he hadn't packed before I got there, since he knew for a few days he was being evicted. A majority of Raymond's belongings are in my basement currently. I drove him around all day making calls and visiting locations to find him a new place. Raymond was falling asleep in the passenger seat; making me feel like he didn't really care that much. I've been more frustrated with Raymond since that time, and I also don't trust him as much. I asked the lady who works at his previous residence about what kind of guy he was. She said she legally couldn't tell me, but asked me why I was asking. I told her that I'm concerned because he's being kicked out and it makes me wonder if he's putting on a front to me. She said "It sounds like you've already made up your mind," as if to say that I was right in thinking that.

Raymond stayed a night at my place, after going to Brooks' house with me to watch the Stanley Cup Championship. He really loved the party there. The next day he checked himself into the hospital as having mental issues, just so he could have a roof over his head. He's still in the hospital, which makes me mad, since he doesn't have mental issues. He is expecting to be moved to the VA hospital soon, where they will find him long-term housing and a job. He says "Steve aren't you proud of me," because he's going to be getting a new place to live and a job. I'm not proud of him. He's using and abusing the system, when he is very capable himself. Maybe I'll be proud if he accomplishes some things on his own, stops dating married women, and stops feeling like he deserves the world from the government.

My other friend, Ray, who has actual mental/emotional problems is wearing me very thin. He has been calling me to complain about me more and more frequently. One complaint was that he doesn't want me being so nice to him all the time. He says I'm "buttering him up" and it's giving him a big head. And he wasn't admitting that as much as he was yelling at me about it (note: this was the first time he had ever mentioned it). He gets angry with me for spending time with other friends as much or more than I do with him. I spend 1-3 hours a week with Ray usually. Part of me loves Ray, and part of me is just making a decisions to show Ray love, regardless of my emotions. He has a rough life, where he knows he has issues, but can't control himself. He's so heavily medicated and in such an disgustingly unhealthy living situation. He can be great and fun, but I constantly am on guard as to not frustrate him or get yelled at. It's a sad situation; I can only hope to bring some good to it.

This past week I was in Wildwood, NJ for our summer conference, Heatwave. It was a great time with some really nice weather. Sunny, but not all that hot. I was busy as usual making videos, which I'll post on this blog. It's so much work for a little 6 minute video. I definitely felt like I missed out. I wanted to spend time with my students and other students from Metro-Pitt, but was constantly filming or editing. I love meeting kids and leaders from all the different groups. I love getting students excited, and I think "doing stuff for the video" adds a bit of excitement to their week. I get lots of appreciation for the videos I make; everyone seems to really enjoy and value them. I don't know if it's selfish, but part of me just wants to stop it all though (even though I know I would miss it).

I was so glad that two of my students attended and both had an awesome, awesome time! I'm really hoping this December we'll have a good showing for Fallout, our winter retreat. I'm looking for some volunteers to help with Campus Life on a weekly basis if anyone is interested; we meet on Monday nights.

Speaking of Campus Life meetings Monday nights, I had CL last night. We spoke about shaving things out of your life that it's time to leave behind; whether they are childish, inappropriate, or sinful. I centered it around my gotee. I started by brushing it and conditioning it, speaking on how we often take certain things in our lives and make them who we are, and we care for and pamper these aspects of who we think we are, whether we love them, hate them, or hate to love them. But we must shave them out of our lives, so of course... I shaved off my gotee. I'm sure there are shouts of glee and anguish both stemming from that proclamation. It's weird, but I think it was time. Now I need to decide if I'll grow back a normal gotee or just cling to my lonely soul-patch. Alas, I was saddened to realize I don't have another fist behind my beard like C. Norris.

I'm also part of a book discussion group this summer. We're reading Mere Christianity, by C.S. Lewis. We're meeting at South Hills Assembly, in the youth room. Mike Milano, my main man, is leading it, so you know it's good. It ranges from very philosophical/heady, to almost theologically preachy, to very down to earth. I'm greatly enjoying it, and I know anyone is welcome to join whenever. We're only about 40-50 pages into the book.

Well I guess that's enough for now. Stay posted, Steve is still reinventing himself, so you never know what may happen next!

A Festering Frenzy Within

I was inspired by an awesome CD to catch up on the happenings of Reese Roper.

Reese was the lead singer of the former band Five Iron Frenzy. Some of you reading this may be familiar with FIF and reminisce with a smile on your face of the joy they brought to your life; whether skanking with some friends, car-ride sing-alongs, awesome concerts, or just trying to recreate the blue comb incident, FIF was certainly a band that touched it's listeners by some reasoning that must be divine in nature. Others of you probably have no idea who Five Iron Fenzy was, and I'm sad to say that even if you download all their songs, the fullness of FIF is most likely lost to you. The closest you can get to understanding is to buy one of their live albums, and listening to it with a REAL Five Iron fan.

The band certainly had character all around, but Reese was the essence of the band, hands down. He's the one everyone keeps their eye on, now that FIF is RIP.

Reading this slightly dated article, it seems there is still hope for future musical stylings of Mr. Roper, despite the fact that he's in school now to be a male nurse. Reading some of the recent forum posts on the Brave Saint Saturn site (F.I.F.'s side project band, which isn't yet dead), has given me more respect and insight to what kind of guy Reese is. He deeply loves God and regrets much of what happened with FIF; however, he does not at all regret how they were somehow able to reach into kids' lives and show them Jesus. He is an artist that sings with such passion and doesn't hide what he believes, while maintaining something about him that makes everyone wish they were like Reese!

In that interview, he says he wishes things weren't done so cheaply, so he didn't have to regret not putting everything they had into the band, while it was. But I have no idea what he's talking about, they were first class... riiiight.

The former band members of Five Iron Frenzy make about $1.50, split between the eight of them, for every CD purchased. So get people buying their music to support good people and your nostalgia. Also, as kind of mentioned Brave Saint Saturn does have that newer CD out Anti-Meridian.

Plus at some point there will be a FIF DVD coming out, that has behind the scenes stuff and video shorts that seems fun.

Also, watch for a project Reese is working on with Josh Dies called The Theives Guild.

"What are you eating under there?"
"Under where?" (Underwear)
"HAHA"

I Love You

When I think or the words "I love you," one of the first things that come to mind is the scenario when a man tells a woman that he loves her, and she says nothing in return. I saw a comedian fairly recently who had come up with pre-thought-out responses in certain scenarios. He used this one as an example, where he immediately replies (after her lack of "I love you" response) that he is in a secret government organization and used the code phrase "I love you" to see if she was also in that organization. He then tells her that he will be leaving tomorrow on a mission and will never see her again. It's pretty funny if you watch it, but I can't find the clip.

Way too often we trivialize the words "I love you" to be just a nicity. We lose all meaning, all sincerity, all passion in those words, be it romantic or platonic. It becomes a catchphrase of sorts. And I am guilty of this. I am rarely the one to say "I love you" to someone I love... if anything I am the guy who responds "love you too," as I walk out the door or hang up the phone. I don't think I'm usually very convincing, and it's rarely very heart-felt.

It's not that I don't love him/her/them. Because I probably love very intensely. I tend to want to show my love in action/caring/correcting/prayer, rather than in direct verbal acknowledgement. But there is something powerful about those three words when they are said and meant.

There are friends of mine that I love deeply. They live on opposite sides of life. Some are in good places, some in bad. Some I go to for advice, some come to me. To some I see myself as a caretaker of, others mend my wounds often. And with nearly all of them, the words "I love you" are rarely spoken. So when they are, it has weight to it. When those words are said, it's a game changer. I suddenly now feel worthwhile. When I doubt how desired or important I am to someone in our relationship, those words motivate me to continue. They encourage me, knowing that I truly am loved, and am therefore lovable.

"I love you" reminds me that I significant to the one who spoke them, so I have some type of grip on their life. The words I say have meaning to them because they love me, and most-likely love me because they know I love them. It's a reminder that I shouldn't give-up in my attempts to help them through phases/seasons/trials, because I love them, and apparently they love me too.

It's a blessing to hear those words from someone whom I deeply respect. Someone whom I love for good reason, but don't necessarily expect to be loved back to the same extent. It's an honor to be loved by anyone, but for whatever reason, with some it carries greater weight. Perhaps it can be the busyness of life that paints the setting for some of the most important "I love you's." When someone who is busy, popular, talented, etc. clears away their life for at least a few moments to meaningfully say "I love you" and to take time to care for and appreciate who you are, it's building life.

Those around me know I love them (I think). But I want to say it. I want to initiate it. I want to feel it. Perhaps I should put a ban on feigned "I love you's" in my life. I guess it would make me seem rude, so I probably won't, but perhaps it would just inspire me to mean it more.

Consider those you truly love and who truly love you. Make a point to say I love you if you feel it. Don't hold back due to social awkwardness or fear of an ingenuine response. Let your love be known, because the other person probably really needs to hear it, and maybe you just really need to say it.

Love

⁹Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.

- Romans 12:9-10

And don't forget to tell God you love Him too.

Compu-Stein

No, Compu-Stein is not a Jewish robot. It is, rather, me alluding to the new computer I'm building.

This post will be boring to probably everyone who reads my blog, but get over yourself, this blog isn't about you, it's about me. I'm important, and a documentation of my life, in all areas, is very important for posterity.

I've started working with my friend Jess at Warhola Productions every now and then as freelance. There are perks though. Such as picking up equipment they no longer are going to use at good prices. So I'm going to buy very soon from them a Matrox RT.X2, to replace my old Matrox RT.X100.

The thing is... I still like my RT.X100, and it works fine. Plus my computer could barely handle an RT.X2; so we all know what that means... time to Upgrade, HOORAY!!!

It's a fun time, but also an expensive time. I must say though, I'm going all out for this machine, and it's going to rock hard.

Processor:
Intel Core i7 940 - bought it on Craigslist from a guy who won one at a convention. It's a shame they are soon discontinuing it. Still a good processor though.

Motherboard:
Asus Rampage II Extreme - This thing is a beast. Got one on E-bay well under retail cost.

Asus Rampage II Extreme Motherboard
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Graphics Card:
Sapphire Radeon HD 4850 X2 2GB - When I saw 4 DVI outputs and an analog out, I fell in love. Steve Love Options! It's basically 2 video cards in one. And then you can link up multiple HD 4850's; TECHNOLOGY!!!

Sapphire Radeon HD 4850 X2 PCIe Video Card
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Chassis:
Thermaltake Spedo Advance Package - I came across many really sweet cases, but I don't think I can pass this one up, even though it's a little past my budget. With some big-time components in there generating lots of heat, I think this is the case to keep it all cool. Plus the cable management is complete awesomeness.

Thermaltake SPEDO Full-Tower ATX Case
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RAM:
OCZ FLEX EX DD3 - Nothing too exciting, but 6Gig is cool. And I can easily upgrade it to 12Gig in the near future if I desire. Six RAM slots on the motherboard and bought 3 2GB sticks.

Hard Drive:
Seagate 1.5 TB SATA - Bought this from Frys.com at a very good price. There is a lot of talk from people about how the drive doesn't work properly, but new firmware updates have solved all known issues, as far as I can tell. This will be used for media/video files mostly. Perhaps when prices come down I will make a RAID of 1.5TB drives. I'm also planning on transporting my a WD Raptor 10,000RPM drive from my old computer as the system drive on this new one.

Power Supply:
This is the only component I have not yet purchased. I'm having trouble gauging how much power I need since my motherboard, processor, and video card can all be power hogs if I'm doing intense work with them. But more than likely I will not max out their wattage potential. I'm probably shooting for 1000-1200Watts.
Here is my most likely candidate...
Tuniq Ripper 1000Watt PSU - It's $80 off after rebates and has a very high rating, even though I've never heard of the brand before.

If you have any suggestions or parts to offer me for my new Compu-Stein, please offer them up. Possible names for this rig are also welcome (keep them clean).

Some of you may at times think I'm a cool, interesting guy... No? Well let's pretend. After reading posts like this current one, you realize none of that is true. I am pure dork and no girl will ever want me. But it's ok because I have a TI-83. Or maybe this. Or maybe I'm black. Yeah I'm definitely black! Too far?

I'm sexy as a black man though, right? No? Ok, fine.

I doubt many of you have found your way to the gems at the end of this nerdtastic blog entry, so to those of you who endured, yours are the spoils.

Updatage

It's been a fairly eventful last few days.

Yesterday, was Kelly's wedding day. She is no long Kelly Chappell, she is Kelly O'Leary. I really want to continue to call her Kellychappell, because I'm used to it and I like it. But Dave is a good guy, and if he doesn't want me calling her that, I'll have to make an effort to stop.

The wedding was great/beautiful/joyous. It was neat that David's father married them and as he spoke of the passages read and gave words of wisdom, it was a pastor speaking to the couple being married and those attending the wedding, but it was obvious that he was also very much speaking as a father to a son and his wife. I loved watching David and Kelly, holding each other's hands and wearing their emotions all over their faces. It was cute how they would at times swing each others arms slightly in excitement of the moment. Their smiles told the whole story.

The reception brought about even more fun. David and Kelly's (DK) first dance was awesome. Everyone thought it was choreographed, but as I spoke to Kelly later, she said it wasn't at all. They are a great pair. So much energy, so much character, so much love! I know that the extent of their love and joy was and is an inspiration to everyone in attendance. It's good to be reminded that love like that exists.

It was also great seeing so many of my old friends. The old youth group crew was representin'! Jonathan, Stacie, Seth, Jesse, Anthony, Jess Baker, Kristin, and myself; all at one table! We also had Jesse's wife Kelsey, Kristin's boyfriend Jordan, and my date Marissa. There were lots of laughs and reminiscing. But there is something a little strange. I think we encountered a wedding crasher...

Soon after finding our way to the table, which was filled with all youth group people, except for 2 seats, a middle aged woman (Debbie) sits down saying she is at our table. It was strange, but we were nice. She told us she was from PA, and was best friends with David's mother. I didn't know why they would stick her at our table. I actually chatted with her for a bit. She asked if we knew who Curry was because they were at our table too. We realized Jonathan and Stacie must be at our table, but there aren't enough seats. Then she left for a moment. About a minute later Jonathan and Stacie got there and sat in the two remaining seats, moving Debbie's things. We realized none of us had seen her table marker. She came back and stated she was at a different table. The rest of the night we kept a little eye on her, and she didn't seem to talk to anyone really. She was totally crashing that wedding! She just spies where there are empty seats and takes the spot. There is so much I have to learn from her.

So Marissa was my date. A great date she was too. She met a lot of my friends, most of which she didn't know at all. Early on, at the ceremony there were some issues, but after some cough medicine and a few safety pins, all was well. We had fun dancing, taking pictures, and breeding hamsters. Ok, so there were no hamsters (a man can dream). If you read this ever, thanks again for being my date to the wedding!

I tried to make myself have fun and hold back many of my typical reservations. I think I succeeded. I know I had fun, and was maybe even more awesome than usual; if that's possible. I really want to get some copies of the pictures from Marissa, because I think they will make me smile and chuckle and perhaps fart a little.

Now I feel like more of my friends need to get married so I can keep having fun nights like this. Maybe a marriage, followed by divorce, followed by subsequent remarriage (so I can wedding it up again!). Ok, let's make it happennn... annnnnnnnnnnd... Break!

Oh yeah... Kristin requested for Brooks (who DJed) to play My Humps via texting him on my phone. After he started playing it, David yelled at him. Kristin got Brooks in trouble. He was then stripped and beaten publically so everyone would know what "we" think of My Humps.


Today was/is Mother's Day. I'm not super close to my mom, but I'm making an effort to be a better son and let her into my life somewhat (although I remain cautious). I showed up at her house this morning to go to church with her. It was nice enough, got to see some friends (I had just been at the church the previous day for Kelly's wedding). It's good to see Pastor Morgan is still teaching almost exclusively on "Joy" without telling us why we should have it, just that we ought to be joyful. :::FRUSTRATION:::

After church my mom needed to go to the mall, so I went there with her. While she shopped I bought vitamins from Vitamin World. Then I walked around and sat around and played Tetris on my phone. Then I went home to eat and take a nap before going on a bike ride with my mom. We rode 14 miles, which is a good bit for a guy who is kind of out of shape. My mom is crazier with riding than you'd think. We finished the fourteen miles in a little over an hour of biking. I had to prove myself by keeping up. I think maybe I could outbike her... maybe. We stopped at Station Square to get a quick bite, since we were riding right by it. Then after biking, I came back home with her and cut the grass. Exciting yes. My mom really enjoyed the day though, so that's good.

Hopefully this wasn't too boring, but it's what the DA was originally designed for... telling of the excitement and drabness of my day to day.

Lotionin' Oilin', Oilin' Lotionin'

Yeah, this clip has almost nothing to do with this post, yet at the same time has everything to do with everything... It's a magic moment.

What I really wanted to say is that my uncle was on the news. Check it out.

Now you all can be beautiful and protect yourselves from the nasty sun. As for myself, I will be wearing this as protection.