Typically I would return with a triumphal reentry stating all of my recent conquests of life, and there are some, but I probably won't do too much of that now. I do feel like this will be a post that many (if many or any ever read this) will greatly relate to.
I have been listening to some John Mayer in my car recently, from time to time. There is a song that has always hit the nail on the head for me, even when I don't "feel it," I know it's just as true a desire. As the title would suggest, this song is Stop This Train.
I think the one word that strikes a chord of reverberation is that word "home." Home has such connotative weight that it can only be called divine in it's message. The universality of the impact found in such a simple uttering is amazing. When you say, "I just feel like I want to go home," and whoever around you knows you don't mean it literally... they know exactly what you mean.
You long for a comfort. One reminiscent of simple times, but not confined by any experience we've had. It's as if "home" is the recognition in our souls that there is a home of permanence that we have yet to savor, allowing only a taste to tease our tongue for the time being. Meanwhile, we set mental images and memories of times past as placeholders to reference the longing we feel. For me, at least previously, I would remember those twilight moments between sleep and wake, where your eyelids are sore under the burden of consciousness, your mind is in a limbo of calm, and you force yourself to be present at the line between two destinations. For me, this was usually found past my bedtime, laying on my mom's bed with the TV on, although no attention was being paid to it, prodding myself to stay awake with my eyes closed. I don't know why moments as these stick out in my mind, but they were total relaxation, free from care; just... being.
I don't feel this anymore. Life is too busy and full of worries to really relax by myself on such terms. No, I presently require distraction to find any peace, and scent of 'home.' A night of old friends whom I'm completely myself and comfortable around or the cradling of one cherished within my arms are the few places of refuge from concern. It saddens me how rarely I can be fully, blissfully distracted toward the real peace of Home by God's presence. I can be motivated by, instructed toward, and passionate for Home; but I rarely taste its peace, which I believe is the elixir my mouth is dry for.
Surely the house I am building to dwell in is one of dry rot. My sin and worry, rooted in my "maturing" and responsibilities has compromised the structural integrity of the Home I wish to discover. I no longer can picture it, I can merely remember picturing it in the past, when I was young and pure. Isn't it amazing the capacity of purity in youth. It is a pitcher that shrinks back with adulthood. Perhaps this is the very reason I wish to "stop this train." When you lose your direction, when you have no vision of where you are going, it's a much scarier ride.
I have gained head knowledge, and perhaps even faith, but it is in purity that we are able to see the beacon which steers us home. No matter how great my map is, there is always a sense of uncertainty and fear in reaching your destination when the fog of life pollutes your sight. Surely you may, and probably will, reach said destination if you are steady, brave, and persevering; but oh what a strain it is to seek without eyes of purity, and what risk of abandoning your quest without assurance.
It's always going to feel like life is going a bit too fast for us. We're rarely going to feel confident with our ability to cope, adapt, and continue. So often we're going to feel like we're running on our heals instead of our toes; this awkward progression forth while leaning back the entire time leaves us feeling as though we could fall on our face at any moment... and knowing ourselves... probably will. We will always seek the peace and comfort of "home," and we will always be perplexed by what that even means. "Life" will distract us from our underlying insecurity "'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark." We are minuscule, finite human beings, who are made to believe that they ought to have everything figured out. It's a tall order, and an intimidating odyssey. Understanding where the dwelling of Peace lies, and being able to see Him with your own eyes of purity (even if just glimmers at a time) will keep you confident in the course your map has plotted. It is then that you can state confidently and in expectancy, "Don't stop this train, it's leading me HOME!"
"Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God."- Matthew 5:8
